If you think it's butter, but it's not...... When things aren't really what they seem, what are they? Delusions? Creation of the mind? We are constantly being sold stuff, like butter products, that aren't really butter, but similes of butter? Greasy goo or dairy? Hmmmmmm. Butta, Parkay..........Buuuuuuuuutttttttter, Parkay. See?
Anyhoo, that's my thought for the day, if that's really a thought, more an observation methinks. Snarf :oP~

How I do love the Wholesale Gift Shows, such inspiration, gazillions of Ideas for sale, and that's just the gifty stuff.....I can't even fathom the rest of the spectrum, my feet hurt from walking the miles of convention center. I took some New Zealand funds and bought some freakin Swaroski Crystal beads.....crickey.......! Guess I have to focus on making something out of them to get a return as quick as possible methinks. Alrighty, I've written nothing brilliant today, I've done nothing of importance except breathe and surf the web......guess I better take my fat arse off to work. MMMMMMmmmmHHmmHHmmHHmm der.

Load Why is it......when you finally say the stuff you've been wanting to say.....you feel like utter complete shit? I try to be straight up at all times......but sometimes, when the feelings are confused and you fuel yer agnst with beer, as I'm known to do from time to time, the attack is relentless. I mean it's the simple things that make us happy, but damn if our minds don't get in our way. Ack! I just tossed and turned for the better part of the night because I couldn't deal with how harsh I was.....I can be a nasty bitch when I want to...but damn, I feel bad now......awful. I've got this thing where I shut people out....the whole FEAR gig going on here.....paging Dr. Freud......at 38 you'd think I'd get over it...but alas....here I am....still doing what I've been doing all this time.....not too progressive.

Anyhooo.....I've got loads of work to do today...just purchased my domain name...so um, I'll work on that and the painting...spending the day with my parents tomorrow at gift show in Seattle, that should be productive. I become quite the workaholic when I hide from the world but it keeps me focused. I like that. :oP~

Becareful of what you ask for or you might just get it. You can't always get what you want........Fly me to the moon I want to dance among the stars.......Jibberish, what jibberish? Where art thou Oh beloved mind o' mine, I seek ye but alas, you hide. This could take me all day to write.......I've drawn a blank......*bang*! I'm still working on my painting.....daylight helps with that....and since I'm pimping the books during the day, I'm not getting much done. I locked myself out of my apartment last night, that sucked hairy balls. I left my keys on my desk at work, yes I admit it......I'm a brainiac.....NOT. I'm taking my last vacation day for the fiscal year....joy. I had completely freaked out dreams again......I'm not quite sure whats up with my brain this past year or so. I babble therefore, I am. I am um............very wordless at present.....I may continue this later...or not......such is life or so it goes.......yanno.

Ah such sweet slumber come to rape thy mind, aye me. Completely wanked out dreams, I woke up feeling BLAH, freaked and um...still unwilling to play the games that people play. When I shut down like this, it's my brain trying to work out stuff, all that stuff that accures with the passing weeks, hell years!. I watched two movies last night, both of which were demented reminders of how evil can enter your life at anytime. Unfaithful, totally fucked cheated on my husband, husband kills lover flick and Trapped, a kidnapping attempt gone oh so wrong. I'm thinking perhaps a comedy or 12 tonight as both of the movies I watched last night only showed the fucked up psyche of humanity that we all struggle with. Blah. I must say, I did enjoy the Two Towers, Peter Jackson did some great work on that film any accolades that come his way are just!

Well I'm off to work, all the seasonal stores are closed now, the logistics company picked up the Calendar store fixtures yesterday, twas kinda sad saying good bye to the seasonal folk and not really having a grasp on my own lease situation has me in limbo. ACK, wotever happens will happen on it's own accord, things change, or they don't, I'm kinda ready for change methinks. Snarf.

I dreamt that a security alert occured at the mall, some dude had a bomb in a van out in the parking lot. Instead of letting us out they made us sleep in the mall that night, ack. I opted for sleeping in the display beds at Sears, still they were quite umcomfortable and I thought as I layed between a nice poly-cotton blend, that tomorrow would be a better day. Ever the optimist even in dreamland.

Well the writing exercise is warping me brain and I thought I'd take a little chat break, that warped my brain more so I blog instead. I'm going to see the Two Towers this afternoon, yippeeeee....Looking forward to is as I've seen the the Fellowship of the Ring about a gazillion times. I admit I never read the books thought I have them, I tried but to no avail, I just couldn't get into Tolkeins use of language. I guess, considering I make up my own language as well, the two don't interact easily. So be it! LOL megone.

Lunaticfringe So I'm sitting at Laura Dern's dining room table and looking a some lovely china pieces she's been collecting. Each piece I pick up I admire the craftsmanship and place them back on the table, all the while thinking "this shit's ugly as fuck''. In this dream I'm living in a new apartment, it's larger and other 'cool' people live in the same complex. We gather together weekly to show off our 'things', admire each other, stab each other in the back and then saygoodbye, looking forward to next week's gathering.

I can't remember all of the dreams I had last night, being that there was a full moon there were many. Have you ever slept and kept at the back of your mind all the work needing to be done the next day? It's no wonder times at what seems to be warp speed, we fill our days and nights with projects and other 'things to do', thinking of them every minute until they are done if by chance you actually do them. I prefer lofty dreams of escapisms. I want daydreams not to be considered flighty. I want this decaf to kick in real soon. This weekend is reserved for my first painting in a while. It will be an impressionistic piece of the Seattle skyline at night, with the full moon beginning it's wane, I will focus on it as my muse. For this piece as the moon will be floating next to the Space Needle. Also, I shall continue with the reading and writing this weekend. I have an exercise I want to start today about Dick & Jane, the antagonist being Jane, the nasty wench! This excersise is given in Stephen Kings book On Writing. it's a practical book about writing and in a sense following your bliss, the older I get the more I crave bliss. Creativity is the only source I have, short of total drunken annihilation, for release. Just like drawing, painting or sculpting, writing should be practiced daily if it's to be an art form....so it's another thing I shove into my day the brings me strife at times but I enjoy it. My writings are definately an aquired taste as at times it's vulgar and nonsensical, but it's a true representation of who and what I am. So on this day I continue on, I hide from world, continue being blown off by others, I don't give a shit, yet I do in a way, oh well. But as Kurt Vonnegut says in Slaughter House Five after telling a story of fancy or after the most dreadful of incidents....so it goes.
The sun has risen! It has risen indeed! har har

Human Nature "Express yourself don't repress yourself"-Madonna
I dreamt I was being engulfed by a raging fire in my home. I awoke myself with a moan only to find my face resting in a pool of my own drool. I looked around the room, the soft glow of my night light helped me refocus on my whereabouts and I fell back to sleep. I dreamt that I was hangin with Madonna and Guy Ritchie, Guy made a pass at me and I went splat. Honestly, I'd do Madonna before I'd shag on Guy......so again, I awoke myself with a moan and drool. It's a full moon tonight, exscuse me while I get all lunatical in yer face. I hope that tonight my dreams take me hostage in a kindly way, this week has been exhausting. No, easily said, not so easily heard. Yes, easily said, very easily heard. Maybe, perhaps, kinda, sorta, um......whatever. Words are of course a form of communication that can never, ever express whats truly behind the actions. I'm an emotional person, maybe too emotional. I have known to shut down all feelings for days, weeks, months, and years at a time.......I have this sensory thingy, I don't like small places with large amounts of people, nor do I like my personal space being challenged. I don't like when the everything in the world chooses to lump it's hairy ass on my face and suffocate me. When I feel as though this may be impending.....I shut down. No communicato, nothing. I go on with my small life, and relish in it's simpleness. When I choose to, I reinsert myself into society and family functions, this is how I live. Therapy didn't work, I'm just a freak, I accept it. I have anxiety attacks in public, I go off on people just to gain some sort of control, that in the end is meaningless to any win I thought I may have scored.
Today I let all of my seasonal people go, the job is completed and the holidays are a thing of the past. I think about how everyone of those people will survive till the next job. I appreciated every effort and will give good recommendations to all of them. Some of them may return, that is if the store still exists this fall, some may not return, life goes on. Still, it's difficult saying thanks and goodbye, they'll be missed. So, what happens in the next few weeks shall be interesting. Will the store Close? Will it become a Bargain "Outlet" Store? It's been an interesting week of emails flying from Vice Presidents to Regional Directors to District Managers, and then moi. After reading the emails I run to the bathroom and um have a little anxiety attack, crying, practicing my tourettes, you know the usual. Trying to save the little store that could :|
I've just been pluggin along, closing the two seasonal stores, getting paperwork in order, doing the regional book quest. Just doing what I do, I come home light a fire, and get lost in a book, sleep, awake for the next day of blows. I'm tired. I made a feeble attempt at forgettin last week, hell I'm too old for that Band Bus shit, and I'm too in denial of giving it up ;)
I want quiet, a quiet solitude without a straightjacket, a serene balance to return. It will, this I'm sure of.....when it will is the question. Once I've got word of whether we stay open or close I can attain some sort of semblance of my former reality. If it closes, so be it. If it stays open, so be it. Either way, I travel this year, off to visit a future entry in my BLOG, Hayley and the Gwenners, some call it New Zealand, I call it the bottom of the globe......Hayley calls it a 3rd world cuntry. That's my short term goal......to get there. My long term goal still is to be the greatest thang that came from my mothers crotch, the competition is relentless! ack.

Slaughter House Five. so it goes Events drive us over the edge, things happen and we grasp for some miniscule amount of sanity and use it for survival. Billy Pilgrim a veteran of WWII, a father and prominent business man, also, he's been abducted by Aliens and travels through time. Billy is a survior of the Dresdan bombing of 1944. Dresdan was an open city in Germany considered safe enough for some sort of regular exsistence in the midst of the henious happenings, POWs, like Billy, were detained there for safety purposes. All is fair in love and war......England and the US damned and determined to end the fucking war, bomb the living shit out of Dresdan and Billy, a chaplains assistant, see's the devastating results, so it goes. The reader is flipped through time like a ragdoll, never knowing which decade Billy will end up. The endless time hopping helps the reader understand Pilgrim's inner agnst and psyche, making one question their own. Alien theology is given to us through Billy's narration and it makes sense, Time is Time, unchangable, ever inert. I've tried to grasp the meaning of this anti-war story and came away with....escapism is the only route to sanity. War will always happen, life and death occurs daily and we are left with only facts and our vast imaginations to cope with it all. The Aliens tell Billy to focus on the pretty stuff, the good he experiences and try not to focus on the negative and bad stuff he experiences, as it stifles growth of people, and more importantly...of civilizations. Slaughter House Five is humerous, sad and gauranteed good read, it took about a day to read it and it's definately time well spent.

Third Law of Motion For every action there inreturn is a reaction of equal and opposite in direction. This week is a reminder of that. Hero's fall, Pete Townshend got caught downloading kiddie porn.....ack...he claims this is research for his autobiography, right! Another great mind snaps in my opinion, when genius drives you mad.....we no longer are privvy to such as absolute privacy. The great internet hath taken that away, we are bought and sold commodoties and the internet is the puppet master. It (the internet) has liberated and corrupted all who fall under it's spell, hero's included. I admired Peter Townshend, I emulated him as a teen with my junker guitar, windmilling my arms in lieu of my damned breasts getting in the way......I painted his face and tried to see "behind blue eyes". I wanted to get Hannibal on his brain. Funny thing, we put people on pedestals only to rip them down we they let us down. It is our free will that leads us to our behaviors and actions.

I had a very Rock n' Roll night of debauchery this past Friday......I rode on the bands bus to the gig, I drank like a fish and only recall being plopped into my armchair buy my friends and hours later I awoke to the smell of the mocha purchased for me untouched. I knew I was tired, menstral and that I shouldn't have had that last jaegermiester....um...yeah...crossing lines not ment to be crossed...ack. But, the blame lays solely on my free will to get fucked up...now of course I will be judged by my actions and I accept that. You learn to do that as an adult, never is the judgement kind, never just.....the story is nothing more than perceptions and untold sentiments. So perhaps I shouldn't judge my hero, but I don't know the whole story so I do stand in judgement till the facts come out. Maybe Townshend made a mistake and if he didn't that's gonna be one fucked up chapter in his bio. But then again, we all have those fucked up chapters.

I'm halfway through Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughter House Five and suprisingly the discussion of free will comes up between good ol' Billy Pilgrim and his Tralfamadorian captor: we are all bugs in amber... the alien explains to Billy that he has travelled to 31 inhabited planets and only on earth is there talk of free will. "All time is all time. It does not change. It does not lend itself to warnings or explanations. It simply is. Take it moment by moment, and you will find that we are all, as I've said before, bugs in amber." We are glorious imperfections in the jewels, good to know, I was sweating it there for a minute. ;)

Book Swut I'm a working gal on a budget, I have addictions, addictions which I must fit into my budget. The first addiction would be food, that's a given, the second; cigarettes (yeah, yeah) the third addiction would be books. I bought more books today and tried to justify the need for them with saying, "it's like food for the brain", yeah um...whatever. I got a nice coffee table book "Over Europe" fucking beautiful and definately a dreamers books. I bought Stephen Kings book "On writing"...funny and tre' informative. In full geek form a I bought a new pocket dictionary, you never know when a word needs to be looked up, or ponder upon or what the fuck is the damn origin and etymology, a serious geek wants to know these things. I bought a book on Egypt, New Zealand (destination spot 2003) and a fluff peace bye Suzanne Frank. Now waiting in the store yet to have purchased.....I have the Annotated Wizard of Oz ;)....and the making of Willi Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Yipeeeeeeeeee, now I've just got to finish on essay book and that damn History of Knowledge then onto Kurt Vonnegut's Slauterhouse Five and the Stephen King book....I admit it, I have book lust, I crave a good novel or history piece........I love trashy Bio's and fuck if coffee table books dunt turn me on....*sigh*...more books please!

Coffee Crotch It's Monday and back to work time after a well deserved vacation from reality...er work. I had the classic dream of being late for work and awoke at 4:30, 5:30 and finally dragged the ass out of bed at 6. Before I leave for work though, I'd thought I'd share my utter disdain for the dreaded Coffee Crotch Dunn Dun Dun!!! I sit at my computers some mornings and surf happily until Psycho Siamese vocalises her want of attention....I look down and pet the kitty...(don't go there fella's) anyhooo, after I comply to her demands I continue on my surfing expedition, sipping my coffee, relaxing....tis good, then I hear it.......MEOW.....oh god, she wasn't sufficeintly pleased with the little head pet....Dun Dun Dunnnnnnn....she stands on her hind legs and uses my side as a scratching post......ow....um....instant coffee crotch and of course coffee spittle on the keyboard. The jump and the coffee splatter scare off the cat and I'm left with a damp albeit decaffeinated french roast crotch. I hate this. Alrighty, just thought I'd share that. Have a loverly day.com!

Believe Happy New Year!!! I'm home and ready to pack up the christmas stuff and get the party started. The vacation was terrific, 6 days and nights of California Adventures and Disneyland, who could ask for anything more? Disneyland during the holidays is a nightmare. People from all over the damn spinning orb chose to celebrate with the masses, it was insanity, I'm not sure what I was thinking when I asked my sister if it was possible to do Disneyland during the holidays, I just didn't want to sweat my way through the park this year. Well, needless to say, no sweating was involved and the magic of Disney wasn't there when my niece took a header in Frontier Land. No, Davey Crockett didn't come to the poor lil boogers rescue, just the park nurse and security, she split her lip so my sister and brother in law took a little visit to the E.R. while I took my other niece Hanna around to stand in long lines smooshed between thousands of Mickey Mouse lovin' foreigners, eek. I myself took a header the next day, picking up my niece taking two steps forward then BAM!!! Obnoxious stroller incident, what flashed through my mind as I flew through the air holding the bruised lil imp was...."Her mother will kill me if her head hits the pavement"......my body contorted mid air, holding onto to my niece for dear life, a little spin....and *splat* I hit the pavement ass first.......ta da!!!! Not a scratch on the child and only a scratch on my elbow.....amen. The man with stroller was regretful, apologized in his native tongue, at least I hope hope it was an apology and helped me up, my sister rushed to comfort my stunned lil niece and the child in the affending stroller cried a bit but wasn't hurt, his mother gave me the obigitory scowl as if I some how traumatised the child for life (the bitch) then we all went our separate ways. After all the sorry's and thank you's were said and done I light a cigarette and hobbled along with my family, back to Fantasy Land, Toon Town was entirely too traumatic.
The Firework show was loverly and very christmas like and in Disneyesque fashion it ended with fabricated snow drifting onto the masses while a gorgeous rendition of White Christmas played quietly in the back ground, it slilenced the thousands of people and brought such joy to the childern, it was really beautiful and um...very Hollywood. One night, the 'snow' got in my eye and blinded me, it stung like holy hell, apparently to make snow in southern California it takes soap bubbles, snarf.
New Years Eve, my father came up from San Diego to join in the fun....yikes, all I have to say is NAM and there ya have it, but his disabled pass got us through the hideously long longs in minutes, bonus!
I'm still feeling as though I'm a ride, everythings a little wavey, warbely, wookie snookie, where's the rail, Hello? I'm sure after I sleep in my own bed I'll be fine, I hope.
So, I did something different to start off my new year. I hope it's an indication of great things, ya neva know ;)