Jesus Gibb, Downing Street & Penis Referrals

We are in a funk, we do not like funks of any kind, shape or size. Hell, even p-funk couldn't shake my ass out of this funk. We will be chalking up this particular funk to "those saucy, but ill-mannered, hormones" deal with it or it won't be a horse head you wake up next too, rather, it will be an ovary with my name on it. Anyhoo, I'll refrain from any wretched details as it will only make you wish you were born a man and if you were born a man, you'd be gay 5 seconds after I told you of the horrors. We tell you this not for the sake of pity, instead, we tell you this because I have a keyboard.

Alrighty, back to the business of blogging, I did little web surfing this weekend, but what little I did do will surly enlighten your day, make you see God, make you drop those unsightly pounds, make you wish that blogs didn't exist at all, but, they do, so with that, I bring you linkage:

Jesus or Barry Gibb, you decide.

Click for story.
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Normally, I'm not one to "join up", the last time I joined a progressive group I was abolished for not having their fucking blogroll on my website, Democracy in action, whatever, smell my finger. That last group ended up being taken over by crazy moonbat/asshats and the whatnot, my inbox was swelling over with demands for vengeful unproductive assaults on conservative sites, which ultimately failed to produce any change whatsoever and I was glad to be "let go". However, I did join Shakespeare's Sister's Big Brass Blog Alliance, if only to help bring to light the Downing Street Memo. The American press doesn't seem to be obsessing over this particular memo for whatever reason, perhaps because its legit, perhaps its because we know the President is a filthy fucking liar and the press is weary and bored with his bullshit and fear retribution. Who can say?

C reported on his recent talks in Washington. There was a perceptible shift in attitude. Military action was now seen as inevitable. Bush wanted to remove Saddam, through military action, justified by the conjunction of terrorism and WMD. But the intelligence and facts were being fixed around the policy. The NSC had no patience with the UN route, and no enthusiasm for publishing material on the Iraqi regime's record. There was little discussion in Washington of the aftermath after military action

.
Clinton was impeached for lying about getting his dingle dunked down the throat of Ms. Lewinsky, it seems trivial by comparison. Impeachment doesn't mean the end of a Presidency, it just validates the fact we are being lead by a creepy liar with a personal agenda that was fed by the tragedy of 9-11. Take action or not, the choice is yours, I for one (voices included) don't like being lied to by anyone, especially our leaders. /spew
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And finally, referrals are all the rage! (Shoot me)

Boo-fucking-hoo Award

This weeks winner/whiner: Tom Delay (yes, again)

"Dear Mr. Zucker,
"It was with grave concern I learned this morning of the disturbing misuse of my name on last night's episode of Law & Order: Criminal Intent. In the episode, a police officer investigating the murder of a federal judge suggested "put[ting] out an APB for somebody in a Tom DeLay t-shirt." This manipulation of my name and trivialization of the sensitive issue of judicial security represents a reckless disregard for the suffering initiated by recent tragedies and a great disservice to public discourse. [via atrios]

Dude, you are such a massive weenie, you get all plump when they cook ya', woohoo, juicy! That is all.

Week In Review Via The Spew--um....doodly doo?

It's been a good week. The second best bookstore in town (mine) was audited and received a 93, I rock and while I'm tooting my own horn in public for your pleasure, I recently won our company's most prestigious leadership award to be presented at a conference later this year, again, I rock, of course the store is closing, but hey, I'm a valuable asset with a pending severance package, who's hot? *strikes a soon to be unemployed pose* Woo!

Speaking of hot, its already 70 degrees here in the greater Seattle area, toasty and rare for the Memorial Day weekend. So as we webbed feet wonders sweat to death the Seattlest has some great suggestions for the weekend, although no mention of the patchuloui scented Northwest Folk Life Festival, its free for all foot tappers, anyone without a sense of rhythm must pay with firstborn child.
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The ACLU should be all over this, for the love of gawd, its just a bear, bitch. Now bend over.

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USA Today gets all Wonky: What Bush is saying when he's talking

Leave them laughing

Aiming to disarm reporters, he tries teasing humor:

- Surprising a reporter by calling on him: "If you don't raise your hand, does that mean you don't have a question?"

- After he referred to a reporter's daughter when, in fact, the child is a boy: "Excuse me. I should have done the background check."

- Teasing a TV reporter: "He's a sensitive guy. Well-centered, though."

- Bidding farewell to reporters as he prepares to go to his Texas ranch for a holiday: "I look forward to not seeing you down there."

[via Shakespeares Sister]
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Autoblogging, it blogs so you don't have to, nice.
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15 Answers to Creationist Nonsense, now stfu already, thanks.

I could link 'til I puke, but, I'm done for the day, your welcome. Def Leppard is singing an oldie but goodie Badfinger song to close out the Today Show, I instantly put my hands in the air and started banging my head and dancing around....
"knock down the old gray wall
be a part of it all
nothing to say; nothing to see; nothing to do"
Life is good. Oh, Joe Elliot, *sigh* twenty years on and you still make me go to my happy place, and know this, I'd still lick ya! Meow........have a wonderful weekend people!

This is my United States of NooooOOOooOOoo!

Rock on!

Brain Slide With A Side Of Spew!

Jericho found the Brain Slide, and yeah, my brain, the slippery slope that it is, slid all over the place. Everything is a slippery slope nowadays, kinda makes me wanna pour kitty litter all over everything so as not to be so damn slippery, but then my cats would shit all over everything and that my friend would just be straight up nasty. Brain Slide, nice.

Gay Is Not A Choice

It is the written word of man that condemns homosexuality, what people choose to not understand leads to fear of the unknown. These written words are said to be the word of God. When confronting God directly on this issue, his only comment was: "I made man of my likeness, wink-wink, nudge-nudge." divinely said, if I say so myself.

"People are happy to believe I chose this. That I wanted to be a "pervert." I chose.

Well, I am here to tell you, I most certainly did NOT choose this. I was born this way, and as an American citizen, who has a committed loving relationship, and who votes and pays taxes the same way every other American does, I deserve. No, let me restate, it is my American birthright to be guaranteed the same rights under the law as EVERY other American. This includes all 1,049 rights the Federal government gives to straight couples." [American Progression] ;)

Never say never, ever.

Gennie passed it...*sniff*...
10 Things I've Never Done

1. I have never ever, not even once, voted for Carrie Underwood, snarf.
2. I've never liked people who state the obvious, bring on the slap o' matic.
3. I have never been to New York City, somebody bring me a rope.
4. I have never read To Kill A Mockingbird, but would seriously consider naming a male spawn of mine Atticus.
5. I have never had the pleasure of licking Bo Bice.
6. I have never had an argument with myself and won. [What do you mean you haven't won? Shut up. Say what beeyotch? Bring it on? Shut up.]
7. I have never worn hip huggers and a belly shirt, indecent exposure is not my thang.
8. I have never been married, had children and I'm one cat and a moo-moo shy of spinsterville, lol...mmmkay, what are you looking at?? :|
9. I have never mentioned Jonathan (you spleen me) Safron Foer on this blog until now, now not only am I a little bit Jewy, I'm officially hip, really.
10. I will never say never without meaning it, never.
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Wonkette will never sit on another blogging panel again?

Ms. Cox noted the "neverending frenzy" of blogging, observing that Powerline and related sites are now being themselves watchdogged by another generation of bloggers. She compared blogging to the self-renewing tumult of punk rock: People at the top will get commercialized, but "there's always someone in the garage." [via]

Take it from a blogger with tits that doesn't own a garage, let alone a car, Ms. Cox is the only reason their should be blogging panels.
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And finally, we will never admit to the fact that all the Gawker buzz-marketing full on frontal assault worked. Radar came to the bookstore late Friday afternoon, I had resisted even looking at it and the sight of Paris Hilton sends me into convulsions so there was no way I was going to read it, and then I read it, but I'll never admit to liking it, its a matter of pride, I am not an affected person. If you like the crap you read on blogs and articles written by the upper echelons of the blogosphere, you might like Radar, it's kind of like the cool kids table on crack, fuck, whatever.

Dear Dr. Dobson,

You might want to stfu before my wrath crawls up your uber-tight cornhole. You have become beyond scary, power hungry, judgemental and just straight up MENTAL. Your mission was to spread my message, instead you blather on about hate, betrayals, etc.

"This Senate agreement represents a complete bailout and betrayal by a cabal of Republicans and a great victory for united Democrats. Only three of President Bush’s nominees will be given the courtesy of an up-or-down vote, and it's business as usual for all the rest. The rules that blocked conservative nominees remain in effect, and nothing of significance has changed. Justice Clarence Thomas, Justice Antonin Scalia, and Chief Justice William Rehnquist would never have served on the U. S. Supreme Court if this agreement had been in place during their confirmations. The unconstitutional filibuster survives in the arsenal of Senate liberals.

"We are grateful to Majority Leader Frist for courageously fighting to defend the vital principle of basic fairness. That principle has now gone down to defeat. We share the disappointment, outrage and sense of abandonment felt by millions of conservative Americans who helped put Republicans in power last November. I am certain that these voters will remember both Democrats and Republicans who betrayed their trust."

My son, Democracy and compromise works. So, I'd suggest a chill pill up the ying-yang or No Soup For YOU!!! Haha, that's Godspeak for "Lighten Up" or no Heaven for you. I'm a funny asexual, aren't I?

Love,
God xoxox

WWJD or WWYD: The WYSIWYG Edition *Strike A Pose*

Read the below situation carefully, based on your religious beliefs, your moral code, your brain wiring-- when presented with the below options, what would you do?

You're in Washington DC...
There is chaos around you, caused by a hurricane and severe and unusual floods. This is a flood of major proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper caught in the middle of this great disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.
Nature is showing all its' destructive fury. You see a man in the Potomac River!
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away with the water and debris. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. Suddenly, you know who it is... it's George Bush.
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under, forever.
You have two options:
You can save him or you can take the most dramatic photos of your life. You can save the life of President George Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer Prize-winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's powerful men.

Now, here's the question (please give an honest answer):

Would you select color film, or rather go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

[via the ratboy]

Schmoozday Heart Ons

Man, oh man, I want whatever Tom Cruise sprinkled over his Wheaties yesterday. I watched the Oprah Show yesterday and after I removed the knitting needles from my eye sockets, I read that Tom is pulling a full out assault Bennifer style, don't make the public hate on you Tomie. You'd think Tom was the first person to ever fall in love, stop the PR assault, augh!!! Really, we're so freakin' happy your getting laid, so stf-up already, christ.

The full moon worked its magic on the Senate yesterday, I think they called it "compromise". Good for them, they did what their payed to do, imagine that. Now it will take "extraordinary circumstances" to incite a filibuster, we have been warned.

Why I heart on Howard Dean:

MR. RUSSERT: So you will not retract or apologize your comments about Tom DeLay?

DR. DEAN: Absolutely not.

Why I heart blogging:

Your blog is so stupid Rosie O?Donell made fun of it in free verse on her blog.

Your blog is like a sausage patty: no links.

Your blog is so boring Nick Denton wants to pay you $1000 a month not to write.

Your blog is like a pedestrian walkway: no traffic.

(Note: I have yet to receive my check from Jumping-With-Sharks Nick Denton, cash will suffice, thanks.)

Why I heart American Idol, other than Simon's snarky-makeagirlgointoheat-wit:
Bo Bice (lick Bo Bice)!

No, their not my breasts, they belong to Lindsay Lohan 2007, and Lindsay, for the love of fuck, eat something, I'll send a box of Ding-Dong's, a bottle of Cheez Wiz, anything you name it, I'll send it. And Lindsay deary, keep in mind, some of us were never meant to be blond, ever, ew. Your colorist should be fired, strung up by their private parts and waxed from head to toe. *Giggle Puke*

Please Drink Responsibly

Bud ......Wiz.....er


Jib Jab, ribbit.

The Quotable Bill Moyers

If I could spend a few minutes in this guys brain, I'd take notes, lots of them and then do my best to mirror his thoughts and ideas, the guy is full on brilliant. His recent speech to the National Conference for Media Reform is all over the web this week, okay, probably not all over the web but it should be damnit. My favorite quotes are below with links to the pages I found them:

I came to believe that objective journalism means describing the object being reported on, including the little fibs and fantasies as well as the Big Lie of the people in power. In no way does this permit journalists to make accusations and allegations. It means, instead, making sure that your reporting and your conclusions can be nailed to the post with confirming evidence.

[via/via]

I mean the people who squelch free speech in an effort to obliterate dissent and consolidate their orthodoxy into the official view of reality from which any deviation becomes unpatriotic heresy.

[via]

The more compelling our journalism, the angrier the radical right of the Republican Party became. That’s because the one thing they loathe more than liberals is the truth. And the quickest way to be damned by them as liberal is to tell the truth.

This is the point of my story: Ideologues don’t want you to go beyond the typical labels of left and right. They embrace a world view that can’t be proven wrong because they will admit no evidence to the contrary. They want your reporting to validate their belief system and when it doesn’t, God forbid.

[via]

I’ve always thought the American eagle needed a left wing and a right wing. The right wing would see to it that economic interests had their legitimate concerns addressed. The left wing would see to it that ordinary people were included in the bargain. Both would keep the great bird on course. But with two right wings or two left wings, it’s no longer an eagle and it’s going to crash.

In closing:

We’re big kids; we can handle controversy and diversity, whether it’s political or religious points of view or two loving lesbian moms and their kids, visited by a cartoon rabbit. We are not too fragile or insecure to see America and the world entire for all their magnificent and sometimes violent confusion. “There used to be a thing or a commodity we put great store by,” John Steinbeck wrote. “It was called the people.”

Fillerbuster My Ass, please?

Rick Sanitarium is up to no good again, what with comparing the Liberal pursuit to fillabustanut the living shit out of every judicial nominee they offer up to the alter; watch us get all Hitleresque, ooooooOOOooOOo *scary hitler dance*. I don't know about you, but this tiny, ego-inflating mustache makes my upper lip itch like a muthaflucker.
[hat tip]

Blog you will: The Tightie Whitie & Porn Star Edition

My brain, my brain, I don't know, maybe I pooped all the good blog posts away and neglected gathering any ideas that may have been bobbing about in the loo. Whatever the case, I can't think of a damn thing to type, which is odd considering that I'm typing at this very moment, but that's the glory of being a blogger: It's not enough that we take over the internet with our mindless rants and the taking down of the man, but the average surfer of da web has to tolerate the nothingness of nothing, buckets of fun, if I say so myself.

LOS ANGELES - Porn star and former gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey will be joining her boss, Kick Ass Pictures president Mark Kulkis, in attending a dinner with President Bush in Washington, D.C. on June 14.

Kulkis was invited to attend the event by the National Republican Congressional Committee (NRCC), which is organizing the event. Over a two-day course of NRCC events preceding the dinner, Carey and Kulkis will be attending a meeting with presidential advisor Karl Rove, giving their recommendations on important national issues.

"I'm hoping to run as Lieutenant Governor of California next year," Carey said. "Since Arnold {Schwarzenegger} is a Republican, I thought this dinner would be a great networking opportunity for me."
"I'm honored to be invited to this event," Kulkis said. "Republicans bill themselves as the pro-business party. Well, you won't find a group of people more pro-business than pornographers. We contributed over $10 billion to the national economy last year."

"I'm especially looking forward to meeting Karl Rove," Carey added. "Smart men like him are so sexy. I know that he's against gay marriage, but I think I can convince him that a little girl-on-girl action now and then isn't so bad!"

Isn't that cute? She's adorable, really. Let's hope her Passion Pants don't leave an unsightly line under her porny couture or worse, knock her out whilst giving Rove that lapdance.

Last thing I needed to see was Sadam's dingle being restrained by cotton briefs, no one needs that, but, due to my kindly nature, I'm sharing with you, because I shouldn't have to suffer alone. I don't know how I feel about this, okay, the man is a tyrant, but what the hell is the point of seeing him partially nude? Nudity isn't a shameful thing, I don't get it. Some people will get a good chuckle at his expense, good for them, as for me, I've got nothing but pity for the fool *giggle*, ahem. [via]


Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Book Spew

Rough Weather Ahead for Walter the Farting Dog: The third book in this intoxicating series is out and dedicated to "everyone who's ever felt misjudged or misunderstood.", that would be you.

Your colon is made of approximately the same material as your brain, giving new meaning to the Shit For Brains phenomenon. YOU: The Owner's Manual : An Insider's Guide to the Body that Will Make You Healthier and Younger. They suggest you look at your poop daily for any thoughts or ideas that may have escaped.

Humpday Linkage ver. 3.0

*Olbermann spews his Newsweek opinion:

SECAUCUS - I smell something - and it ain't a copy of the Qu'ran sopping wet from being stuck in a toilet in Guantanamo Bay. It's the ink drying on Scott McClellan?s resignation, and in an only partly imperfect world, it would be drifting out over Washington, and imminently.

Oh my...

Whenever I hear Scott McClellan talking about -media credibility,-I strain to remember who it was who admitted Jeff Gannon to the White House press room and called on him all those times.

Ouch.
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*Store Wars! Is that a lightsaber diguised as a pickle in your pocket or are you just tossing a salad?

With the release of Star Wars today, the streets will finally be safe from um....geeks, if only for a few hours.

What can you say about a civilization where people zip from one solar system to the next as if they were changing their socks but where a woman fails to register for an ultrasound, and thus to realize that she is carrying twins until she is about to give birth? Mind you, how Padmé got pregnant is anybody?s guess, although I?m prepared to wager that it involved Anakin nipping into a broom closet with a warm glass jar and a copy of Ewok Babes.

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"...a first rate job of promoting science and rationality."
--John Rennie, Editor-in-Chief, Scientific American
"...the best journal in the field."
--Stephen Jay Gould, Harvard University
"...stimulating and provocative."
--Carl Sagan, Cornell University
"One of the year's top 10 best new publications."
--Library Journal
"Skeptic kicks ass."
--Penn Jillette of "Penn & Teller"

I bought a copy of Skeptic Magazine yesterday and on my return home from work I started reading an article on the legitimacy of Shakespeare's work. Fascinated, I promptly fell asleep in my chair, mouth open and drooling. In all actuality - not some, but all - it's a great magazine. Makes ya think and I'm all for thinking, sometimes.

Newsweek Is To Blame For All Below:

MSM continues to get suckerpunched by bloggers, OFF WITH THIER HEADS!!! Bah, bloggers, like myself, are superior beings from another planet that lead stellar lives and never make mistakes and are pleased to have another scapegoat to blame the ills of the world on; Blaming Canada was becoming passe':

The number of books sold dropped by nearly 44 million between 2003 and 2004, even as the annual number of books published approaches 175,000.

"People are reading less, so what you're seeing is the same phenomenon that has hit magazines and newspapers, a massive shift toward home video, DVD, internet and cable," said Albert N. Greco, an industry consultant and a professor of business at the graduate school of Fordham University. [via Arts Journal]

Curse you MSM!

May 15, 2005 ? Forecasters at the NOAA Space Environment Center in Boulder, Colo., observed a geomagnetic storm on Sunday, May 15, which they classified as an extreme event, measuring G-5?the highest level?on the NOAA Space Weather Scales

Hell, I blame all liberal rags for any space anomaly, what the hell.

Even the Government admits that Newsweek's article wasn't to blame for the events in that fun, peace-lovin' land mass Afghanistan: "Afghan Riots Not Tied to Report on Quran Handling, General Says". So maybe everyone should just chill on the blamefest, fun as it might be, it's fucking asinine.

So here's to you Mrs. Robinson

Young Man: Hi, I'm Mike.
Me: Hi Mike, what can I help you find?
Young Man: You married?
Me: Ermmm, no.
Young Man: Any kids?
Me: Uh, no...Where you looking for a particular title?
Young Man: Your cute, gotta boyfriend?
Me: That would be a negative, what can I help you with today?
Young Man: Do you believe in Taboo relationships?
Me: [stunned & confused] What do you mean?
Young Man: Y'know, Older woman, younger man, Older men, young woman, Mother-Son, Father/daughter.
Me: Uh wow dude, that's just a little too twisted for me...um...what the point here?
Young Man: Do you think we could go out sometime?
Me: Good lord, how old are you?
Young Man: 16
Me: [standing in puddle of my own piss] Hon, I'm 41, I just don't that would be kosher or legal for that matter.
Young Man: You're 41?? My mothers only 39.
Me: Great, now what can I help you find?
Young Man: A date.
Me: Yeah, well, this is a book store.
Young Man: Have you ever read the Kama Sutra?
Me: Is that a book in the bible?
Young Man: Your funny and cute are you sure you wouldn't date me?
I walked away from the little freak a tinge flattered and slightly disturbed. My 61 year old co-worker walks up to the young man and asks him if he needs any assitance, "Do you have any kids?", she growls at him and he leaves, lol. Curse you Mary K. Letourno (fist to air), curse you.

Joe Grant

"BURBANK, Calif., May 9 /PRNewswire/ -- Joe Grant, a trusted member of Walt Disney's inner circle, one of the most extraordinary artists and storymen to ever work at The Walt Disney Studios, and the man who designed the Queen/Witch character in "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs," served as co-story director on "Fantasia," co-wrote "Dumbo," and conceived "Lady and the Tramp," passed away on Friday May 6th at his home in Glendale, California. He was 96 years old."

I just read about it today and have yet to see anything about him via blogs, but this guy diserves props, his evil Queen from Snow White was a bitter bitch and we loved it. Dumbo still makes cry. Fantasia still feels like an mushroom trip and who didn't love Lady and the Tramp?

Quickies, this won't hurt a bit....

Newsweek is to blame for EVERYTHING bad in the world.


Post Secret, shhhhhhh, don't tell a soul, just everyone on the damn internet.

Stream of unconsciousness

I'm losing blood as type this. Why do I feel compelled to share with the World that I'm mensing? Because I can and you are better for knowing it - you're safe that way. This week has flown by like a little birdy on crack. Spring has sprung and it didn't hurt at all.

"Astronomers photographed a cosmic event this morning which they believe is the birth of a black hole, SPACE.com has learned." And speaking of black holes, Paul Anka covers Soundgarden's "Black Hole Sun" which you can find at Stereogum.

Bubblegum in my hair
would somebody please
bring me some Nair
I do not like
sticky things in there

The blogoticks of Plogs:

'Politics is the art of controlling your environment.' That is one of the key things I learned in these years, and I learned it the hard way. Anybody who thinks that 'it doesn't matter who's President' has never been Drafted and sent off to fight and die in a vicious, stupid War on the other side of the World -- or been beaten and gassed by Police for trespassing on public property -- or been hounded by the IRS for purely political reasons -- or locked up in the Cook County Jail with a broken nose and no phone access and twelve perverts wanting to stomp your ass in the shower. That is when it matters who is President or Governor or Police Chief. That is when you will wish you had voted." ---Hunter S. Thompson via John Cusak (slurp) via HP

Coming soon to a bookstore this fall, Wonkette's reason for barely being Wonky at all this year: Dog Days

"Doesn't the little Berry indicator light remind you of the slit at the head of a penis?"
"Uhm, no. And the only reason it reminds you of one is because you use it facilitate sex. Your Berry is, in fact, attached to a penis." I am sooo looking forward to reading it that I'm counting the days until its release. If I do it right, spinning for a good minute or two and then crossing my eyes, I can use both hands to count the days. Good times.

I've got me a case of Paraskevidekatriaphobia and it itches. Speaking of irrational behavior, Gawker has been all over the release of Radar, like a whore riding a $1000 dollar client. Whutevah (cupiestyle ghettospeak for um...whatever). Radar is the new online and print celebrity rag that I'll never read because I, like guest editor TMFTML, don't give a shit. That shit leads to this shit:

"Tom DeLay fired back at Democrats raising ethics questions about him, telling a crowd of conservative activists that the GOP's opponents have no ideas and "no class."" [via Shakespeare's Sister, no shit was injured in the process of ummmm...linking]

Maybe he meant Democrats have no ass and even if he did say "class" he would still be wrong because everything this man does is wrong, no offense to Mrs. Delay.

Cheesy, but true:
Gay kids eat Kraft Macaroni & Cheese too and God, much to the religious rights' annoyance, is even so kind as to not choke them to death whilst gnawing on the cheesiest of treats, so back the fuck off you selfish zealots. [via Sisters Talk ]

/stream of unconsciousness

Well that was exhausting only because blogger is SOOOOOOOO FUCKING AWESOME (read: unstable piece of shit). It took many attempts to bring you this post, between episodes of spring douche '05 sessions, today: organizing the workspace/bedroom and it is almost complete. What a fucking nightmare. In the Oriental tradition of Feng Shui it is believed that the state of ones bedroom reflects the state of your psyche: dusty unused condoms, empty water bottles, and Ding Dong wrappers. Enough said. (Shoot me)

Alrighty, it's Friday the 13th, my ass is numb, and I need to get back to other obsessive behaviors: tomorrow's beer & baseball-palooza and singing along with Spongemonkey's "We like the Moon, cos it is close to us"...............

Rock on!

Period

Aunt Flo has come to visit, send vats of chocolate pudding, barrels of beer, green tea and a bottle of Advil, that will be all.

Taste Of Huffingtion, dahling.

SUV hater and pinko fag hag (lovingly said, of course, birds of a feather, they say..) Arianna Huffingtion woke up one day and said, "What iz dis blog thing?" and decided to have a blog orgy of sorts on her new News and OP-ED website called Huffingtion Post. Here's a sampling of what I consider to be Drudge with tits and a circle of friends.

"Satan Unleashes Evil Energy but God Will Win - Pope" Pope-y, nice.

Jesus and Bruce Springsteen:

"I much prefer the Christ recently offered to us by that well-known theologian, Bruce Springsteen. (He also makes music.) On Springsteen's recent chart-topping release, Devils & Dust--which contains a song exploring the moral dilemma faced by a soldier in Iraq poised to shoot and kill an enemy and a track recounting the life of an illegal immigrant who perishes crossing the Rio Grande--the most engaging number is a short, simple, elegiac tune about the Man from Galilee, "Jesus Was An Only Son." The chord structure is basic ballad; a church-like organ sets the mood. And Springsteen narrates the last hours of Jesus' life. There's no blood, no gore--only a man and his mother."

Actor/Director Robert Evans inner poet is released:

THE CELEBRATION OF THE INDIVIDUAL

Try a thing you haven’t done three times.
Once, to get over the fear of doing it.
Twice, to learn how to do it.
And the third time, to figure out whether you like it or not.

Have they treated me a bit harshly at times? Oh, yes!
…But they’ve made my life one of wealth… wealth of discovery.

Ain’t that what life is all about?

Danielle Crittenden:

Admit it. Hollywood misses those halcyon days of the Clinton administration, when the Lincoln bedroom functioned as a luxury hotel suite for crusading celebrities. In the first term of the Bush administration I bumped into Bruce Willis over the M&M bowl in the White House Mess: A happier looking man you could not imagine. Just wait until he told his pals what he’d said to the President! ("I think you really kick ass, sir.") You can’t buy that access with even the best agent or publicist. But why should Willis, Ron Silver and Bo Derek for gosh sakes hog all the official invites these days?

"Your Planet's Immune System Is Trying to Get Rid of You." -Bumper Sticker from the mind of Kurt Vonnegut, lol.

Bill Mahr returns to blogging via Huffington and its about fucking time, despite his gas problem.

Walter Cronkite LIVES!

I'll launch my first contribution right here: Arianna, I offer this first editorial opinion that you settle for "interesting" and recognize that it is not a synonym for "entertaining."

I've got some other exceedingly interesting pieces up my sleeve, like a proposal that the Democratic Party organize a convention this year to debate and resolve a platform that would provide the confused electorate some idea of what the party stands for…a regretfully missing ingredient in the politics of the moment.

The Huffington Post is a nice idea, I like it. What I don't like is the lack of the breast factor. Where be the bitches, Arianna? I humbly offer my services; I have no credentials, no one knows me from dick and I took time away from a chocolate binge to report on your new site. Give a girl a little love. Or not. Your decision - but kudos all the same.

Political Apathy

Neal Pollack on why he'd rather blog about sports than experience another political pukefest:

...I haven't looked at Talking Points Memo in about five months. Let's see what's up top today. "Guest-blogging today, Kenneth Baer, a Democratic strategist and founder of Baer Communications. His book Reinventing Democrats: The Politics of Liberalism from Reagan to Clinton came out in 2000."

Well, tickle my boner with a feather! That's the most boring thing I've ever read. How could you possibly want to read that while Barry Bonds is getting fluid drained from his knee?

[Cupie puts down the feather and types response]

Politics is a nasty game and when the majority of American's voted to stay on the path of lies and deceit, anybody with a mind of their own wanted to give up on politics altogether. We're all about questioning the powers that be, but forgive us for not finding interest in the uber hip trends of bashing the judicial system, ignoring philisophical debate, stripping people of their civil liberties and dictating the word of God as a means to govern our society.

It's all about fighting the good fight, which I intend to continue, on my own time, on issues that truly matter to our civil liberties. I don't get paid to spew my opinions, but know full well when I'm disturbed by the hypocrisy of the current administration and religious zealots littering the administration, I will smack that shit back in your face. Do keep in mind that this is my personal blog and I will tell tales of too many Ding Dongs eaten and topped with a six pack of Redhook. It's what I do -- sugar comas. I will admit to a current state of political apathy. I'm too occupied with my life to be bothered with it right now and that doesn't mean I don't care, I do, but its all just mental masturbation, and personally I'm not up for sharing my every thought on the issues with the world, I'm entirely too caught up in my spring-cleaning-palooza (onset mid-life crisis).

Anyhoo, [picks up feather] I never say never, but right now I'm not, which doesn't mean I don't.....kinda.

Monkey Bidness

Poets & Writers is reporting that, in order to test the “10,000 Monkeys, Statistically Speaking, Will Eventually Produce All of Shakespeare’s Works if Given Typewriters And Many Bananas” theory, a wacky scientist gentleman – oh, those wacky scientist gentleman! – has invented a “Monkey Shakespeare simulator” to do just that*. So far, it has only recreated a few lines of Shakespeare, but it banged out the entire works of Jonathan Franzen in a long weekend. [via Old Hag]

I lol'd me ass off with the Frazen remark, mmmmkay. I still don't understand the point of this experiment, possibly due to a caffeine defeciency at this point in the day, whatever. However, I did enjoy the "game" you can play while the monkey bangs the keyboard.

Blogenspeil

Even when you don't have something to say, as a blogger, you have something to say about it. Weblogs started as personal diaries that have mutated into soapboxes for the average human, we have a voice and we want to be heard, damnit. Some can just stop, some go on hiatus, some admit to their addiction:

A SELF-INTERVENTION: It's time to come clean. I tried to cut down on blogging, and I have indeed changed my hours and patterns. But my name is Andrew and I am a blogoholic.

Moderation Andrew, moderation.

Tepid Blog Lust

As of late, I'm finding more interesting things in the nooks and crannies of my apartment then I have been finding on the net. While I continue on my obsessive quest to organize my life, the computer gathers dust in its new home. I promised myself yesterday that once I've finished this massive task, that I would reward myself with something great, I'm not sure what yet, but it will be great.

Some quickies before I depart for work, which incidentally, is reaping the rewards of my obsessive organizing binge, you can actually see the top of my desk and papers are filed where there supposed to be...odd. If this is a symptom of peri menopause, then so be it, I'll be sweaty and organized.

Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire movie trailer, tre cool. I have two amber chalices I use for wine, after having one or two drinks of my favorite Reisling the chalices become the Goblet of Fire (Beavis & Butthead obligatory snickering...heh).

Any woman running for President will face a toughness conundrum: she will constantly have to prove her strength and be careful about showing her emotions. She won't have the luxury of, say, Bill Clinton's public sogginess. It will take a brilliant politician to create a credible feminine presidential style. So far, Senator Clinton hasn't shown the ease or creativity necessary to break the ultimate glass ceiling.

That fucking glass ceiling again, so along with having to be cadaver thin in today's society, you apparently need nipples made of diamonds to cut through that fucking glass ceiling--bah, snarf and blet. :)

And finally, I happened to catch the trailer for the Tim Burton's Charlie & The Chocolate Factory, it looks kooky, wacky and fabulous.

Bullsheet

Folding a fitted sheet was never so easy, bullshit. I've been folding fitted sheets like this for years and they NEVER look like the pictures. True, I do get frustrated mid-fold and roll the suckers into a ball, but really, its not as easy as it looks.

Steven Colbert Gets His Groove On, On What, We're Not Saying...

"And by the way, he's not doing it for himself. He's doing it for the people. As a public service."

Is The Daily Show jumping the shark? Don't know, what I do know is that Fonzi would be proud.

When the president talks to God, Does he ever think that maybe he's not?

Yesterday was my birthday, so I rolled my tits up off my knees, put them in a sexy bustier, had 10 jaegerbombs, rode the bull(no charges were pressed) and slept with Paula Abdul, she promised to help me in my career and I promised not to write a steamy tell all about our evening.

Ok, so I didn't do any of that, but I did have a productive day as part of my Extreme Home Makeover. I went to bed around midnight and promptly passed out from exhaustion only to awake in a puddle of drool and yet again, sore muscles. With few more weeks of this kind of activity and I won't have to roll my tits anywhere, they'll be in their proper place, somewhere above my protruding gut, nice (ssssssssexy). I'm off to work now, because I haven't physically tortured myself enough, but I will leave you with this performance from the Tonight Show last night which in the words of the BWE blog "was probably the most offensive thing to happen on The Tonight Show since Johnny named Jay as his successor. The only difference being, this was great." His name, Bright Eyes, his song "When The President Talks To God" The video of last nights performance, here, and yes it was fucking brilliant!. Have a super day!

In A Mood: Introducing The Slap O Matic

I'd say, that for the most part, its a good thing to question authority, but for the love of fuck almighty please use some common sense, and say.....your fucking brains, before challenging evolution and comparing our Judiciary to Al Qida. (revs up the Slap O' Matic; power set to "megabitchslap")

Eighty years after a famed courtroom battle in Tennessee pitted religious beliefs about the origins of life against the theories of British scientist Charles Darwin, Kansas is holding its own hearings on what school children should be taught about how life on Earth began.

The Kansas Board of Education has scheduled six days of courtroom-style hearings to begin Thursday in Topeka. More than two dozen witnesses will give testimony and be subject to cross-examination, with the majority expected to argue against teaching evolution.

Many prominent U.S. scientific groups have denounced the debate as founded on fallacy and have promised to boycott the hearings, which opponents say are part of a larger nationwide effort by religious interests to gain control over government.

Slap!!! Survial of the fittest people, know it or be slapped to high hell and or the lower eastside of hell, whichever comes first.
(recharges Slap O' Matic; power set to TURBObitchslapSmackdown)

Federal judges are a more serious threat to America than Al Qaeda and the Sept. 11 terrorists, the Rev. Pat Robertson claimed yesterday.
"Over 100 years, I think the gradual erosion of the consensus that's held our country together is probably more serious than a few bearded terrorists who fly into buildings," Robertson said on ABC's "This Week with George Stephanopoulos."

"I think we have controlled Al Qaeda," the 700 Club host said, but warned of "erosion at home" and said judges were creating a "tyranny of oligarchy."

Pat Robertson is a fucking moron, enough said.

I had to post something...

Monday morning brain fart! I've got nothing.

Laura Bush: Comedian

The White House Correspondents Dinner was held on Saturday evening, the star of the evening? Laura Bush:

"The amazing thing is that George and I were just meant to be. I was a librarian who spent 12 hours a day in the library, yet somehow I met George."

"People often wonder what my mother-in-law is really like. People think she's a sweet, grandmotherly Aunt Bee type. She's actually more like Don Corleone."

"I'm proud of George. He's learned a lot about ranching since that first year when he tried to milk the horse. What's worse, it was a male horse."[via Wonkette]

Btw, I didn't blow of the Press Conference this week, I was at work listening to it on NPR, after yelling at the radio, a lot, my employee saw a smidge of gray matter seeping from my right ear, so she turned off the radio and told me to go home before my head completely blew, I thanked her, shoved the gray matter back into my ear and went home.