Thursday, March 31, 2005

Heil Delay!

"The time will come for the men responsible for this to answer for their behavior, but not today."
[via a massive ego US Newswire via Think Progress via Atrios]

*Giggle*
Why Mr. Delay, you studly hunk of morality, you! That language makes my panties all moist and I'm all a quiver with your ability to get all dictator-ish and vengeful. Sir, I am beside myself with want of you, you make all us "good" Christian's proud, not to mention horny as double-decker toad! Now don't go and worry your pretty lil' head about Jesus, he'll be pissed for a little while, but I'm sure that once he thinks things through, he will see your stellar and very southern, very sexy point of view. *Giggle* I'm certain our Lord Jesus won't ask his daddy to unleash some wrath on your fine and righteous ass. You are one powerful and sexy muthafucker! *Giggle* ;)

"Where are your new Non-Fiction Novels ?"

Click for cartoon No, this extremely funny and factually correct cartoon isn't a promotional tool for Pam Anderson's upcoming television series "Stacked", but its amusing all the same. We have actually heard all these and many more like them at the bookstore and once I've reached my fill of the offending requests, I just start smacking people. "Where's your non-fiction?" SMACK! "Turn around and look" I say, "Where?" SMACK! "Sir, is the book based on actual facts or is it a novel?", "Of course its a novel, that's why I'm here and it's a true story about the BTK killer and the publisher website said it was supposed to be out today", "Sir, its Sunday, the probability of that occurring is slim to none." SMACK! This story is ongoing, stay tuned in for updates. :|

And speaking of Ms. Anderson, she's now blogging about her hard work during the production of stalked...err...paging Dr. Freud...that would be Stacked, not stalked, mmmkay. Alrighty, together now: Knit one=insert knitting needle into left eye, Pearl two = insert knitting needles into right eye. Sweet relief.

And for your amusement and or horror the book purchase of the week goes to the truck driver that bought some nasty ass erotica and a book on the Green River Killer. Thanks for your purchase sir and you have a TERRIFIC day! *gulp*
[comic link via BS]

Schiavo Has Passed

A weeks worth of "Was she murdered ?" bullshit to come, I can't wait. Rest in peace Terri, no one else will.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Blvd O' dee Broken Dreams

"Courtney Love will star as Linda Lovelace in a new feature biopic on the Deep Throat star. Jason Blum of Blumhouse Productions will produce with Love and her manager, Jason Weinberg ... She's had her biggest cinematic success to date playing another sex-industry veteran, Larry Flynt's stripper wife Althea in Milos Forman's The People Vs. Larry Flynt. She also appeared in Julie Johnson, which racked up mostly negative reviews when it premiered at Sundance in 2001(!) and which Regent is finally planning to release on May 25 of this year." [The Loverly Cosair]

I'm all for the raunchy end of our reality, but Courtney -- luv, you don't have to be the poster child, mmmkay.

This is not my house, this is not my radio...errr..

"Like many people, I listen to a wide variety of music, and some of it is, ahem, more appropriate at certain times of day than others. We here are not responsible for adverse affects from playing the wrong music at the wrong time. Hope some of this is enjoyable."


If it looks like David Byrne and sounds like David Byrne, perhaps its his internet radio station. Nifty.
[Boingx2]

Attack Of The Dust Bunnies

Or maybe some spring cleaning is in order. Creepy books can be purchased here. [BS]

Monday, March 28, 2005

Smack The Clocky

I could have used a Clocky this morning having hit the snooze button 3 times for an extra 30 minutes of fragmented disturbing dreams. Then again, having to chase down my alarm clock once the snooze went off again only to find it under the bed, behind some old shoes and the shirt I've been looking for for the better part of a year, then having to bash shit out of it, gutting every fucking wire and flushing the evil digital display for making me leave my warm bed probably wouldn't be the most productive use of my energy first thing in the morning. And really, who needs to be reminded that 1.) You are and forever will be a slob, and 2.) The anger issues have reared their ugly head again and you don't have the money to go to therapy because you have to replace your fucking alarm clock! I think I'll pass on Clocky.

Some nice tasty Prozac may be in order?

Annan is despressed, saving the world just isn't what it use to be, I guess.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

I didn't do it, It wasn't my fault, blah, blah.....

Rationalizing one's behavior makes me itchy, or maybe a shower is order in this morning. The amazing spin machine that is the back bone of all political parties and as of late, the new standard for the lack of any accountability in any circumstance is buzzing away this morning:
The patient then was a 65-year-old drilling contractor, badly injured in a freak accident at his home. Among the family members keeping vigil at Brooke Army Medical Center was a grieving junior congressman ? Rep. Tom DeLay (R-Texas).

I get it, playing the ol' "It's my parents fault" isn't just for teenagers and dysfunctional addicts anymore, it is for all God-fearing peoples to use in the event of slagging approval ratings.

Happy JesusBunny Day

Happy Easter Folks! Spring has sprung (hope you didn't get any in your eye) and we are off to Easter Lunch with family and friends.

Now, in the true spirit of Easter, the below link leads to a picture, squint your eyes a bit and you will see all the glories of spring, don't give up...just stare and concentrate. Once you have reached a complete sense of relaxation and enlightenment, you will see the image.

Click Here to Veiw Picture

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Remember Rwanda? (Yes, we are aware that this topic has nothing to do with liquified cerebral cortex's, but what the hell.)

Actor Don Cheadle with the help of John Prendergast opine on the ongoing horrors in Rwanda:

The Darfur Genocide
Enough excuses. The time to act is now.

As we sat in a refugee camp in Chad listening to Fatima describe how most of her family was killed by Sudanese government-sponsored Janjaweed militias, we found it incomprehensible that the world could not muster the political will necessary to protect her surviving family members or to hold the killers accountable.

Since returning from our visit to Chad and Darfur in late January, we have pored over the rationales the U.S. government has used for its tepid response, and have found no fewer than 10 lame excuses.

First, when former Secretary of State Colin Powell famously called what was happening in Darfur "genocide," he said we were already doing all we could to counter it. In the six months since he and President Bush used the term, however, not one punitive measure has been imposed on the orchestrator of the atrocities--the Sudanese regime. And as the African Union (AU) struggles to deploy 2,000 troops to Darfur, a region the size of France, the French government recently announced that it will deploy 41,000 police in Paris if it is chosen as the Olympics site for 2012. Doing all we can?

Forgive us Rwanda, our "to do" list is quite long
1.) Saving a woman in a progressive vegetative state; potential legislative action in adding "AHHHHH"and "WAAAAA" to Webster's Dictionary with the defination being: "I want to live".
2.) Ignore tragedy in Minnesota
3.) Making mayhem Spreading the joys of Democracy in Mess O' Potamia
4.) Potential legislative action stopping a Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt Divorce.
5.) Fucking around with Social Security
6.) Research the possibility of posthumously making Leviticus an America Citizen in an effort to thwart gay marriage.


As you can see we are quite busy, the list is endless. Many say that our military is stretched to thin to even consider disciplinary action, which is true and it is unsafe to assume that America can save the world when we're to busy ignoring our own poverty issues. (Update: former Vice Presidential Candidate John Edwards is beginning to break some ground on this issue). Some ask where the United Nation stands on this subject, action is being taken although deployment of UN troops "will face hurdles". Focus on Rwanda needs to be forefront and the offenders of these crimes chastised on a daily basis. Recently I had read somewhere (unfortunately I cannot find the link) that what was happening in Rwanda was a form of population control, uh...wow....population control via murder? Again with the humans playing God, oy.
[Cheadle article via Vodkapundit]

Theatre Of The Absurd

Today, the role of God will be played by Hal Turner
"I advocate the use of force to rescue Terri Schiavo from being starved to death.
I further advocate the killing of anyone who interferes with such rescue." -- Hal Turner. [Atrios]

QUICK HISTORY ABOUT HAL TURNER: "Hal Turner developed a reputation as being the most controversial radio talk show host in the entire world. He's a typical, everyday, average, married, white guy. A father, a Catholic. But what made him controversial - and still does - is this: he says publicly what most people only dare to think privately."

Wow, I'm also known as a person who says things publicly that most people dare to think privately, I wasn't aware that gave me the opportunity to declare a fucking jihad on the Supreme Court and the medical community, fascinating. I guess I really don't know my own power.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Turn Around Brighteyes...

Ass-crack rock to make your Friday just a shmidge better. [via: Side Salad]

Easter Frivolity

Click to jam with the Easter Bunny, because, your worth it
Bunny Rap, yo.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Tsk, tsk, blah, blah...

I'm not sure if your at all familiar with this particular subject, but recently in San Diego, a gay man had been denied a Roman Catholic Funeral mass. This not only outraged the gay & lesbian community, but it outraged anyone with decency and one iota of common sense.
SAN DIEGO -- A Roman Catholic bishop apologized for denying funeral rites to a man who owned a bar and a dance club popular with gays and said he will preside over a Mass in the man's honor, according to the man's family.

My response to the initial story was that I didn't think Jesus would have been down with that. One woman responded to my comment @ Sisters Talk with "this isn't a Jesus issue its a social-legal issue and the church has the right to turn down the funeral based on its beliefs." A hearty Bullshit to you, madam. As a Christian I would think you and the Catholic Church would understand the most beneficial aspect of being a servant of the Lord Jesus Christ is to be forgiving of ones sins and if I understand the dogma of Christianity correctly all fornication is sinful, yeah baybeeee! Despite the hedonism involved in all sexual acts, one should not be condemned if they choose to make love to the same sex or the opposite for that matter, because that is between you and your maker. A personal relationship with one's God is none of your fucking bidness, yo. Cast not the first stone, period. Bishop Brom was correct in apologizing as it is not his place to stand in judgment of any one person, ever. /spew [links via: Andrew Sullivan and Sisters Talk]

Now, as for the fucktards at National Vanguard Books do know, that as a bookseller, I won't stock your publications unless some dimwit, closed minded, uneducated slough asks me to special order your ignorant and prejudice publications, taking money from those lacking an IQ above 59 and below 80 is fun and profitable.
"Our criteria for listing a children's book are:
The book must contain no racially destructive propaganda, either in text or illustrations.

The book should serve a racially constructive purpose by providing White role models, instilling White values, or building a sense of White identity through the teaching of White history and legend
."

Listen, all you white supremacist twitshits, respectfully said of course; don't think your that pure by any sense of the word, ask your daddy and his forefathers just who the fuck they porked and I can guarantee you that in the pursuit of fulfilling the needs of the great white cock that many a women of color have littered your fucking DNA. Nothing is pure anymore, aside from Love and acceptance. Sadly, institutions like this still exist, HeilalloverHitlersdeadrottingass, fuck that with a fork and dip it in a special sauce of the diverse nature. With that said, the big ol' one finger salute to the shameful ignorance of this publishing house and its lack of forward thinking and progressive action. *hork* Please take a moment to reflect upon how whitey came to the America's; that being through a severe dose of rape and pillaging and for future reference read Howard Zinn's, A People's History of the United States : 1492-Present, things don't look so pretty and "white" washed when the truth is told.
[link via: Bookslut] Snarf.

Expect The Unexpected Raspberry Terrorism

Yesterday, while I was busy helping a mother find the foreign language book "Shakespeare to English/English to Shakespeare; the Romeo & Juliet edition", I heard someone reading aloud at the front of the store. I assumed it was one person reading to another and that was that. I found the book the mother was looking for and proceeded to the front of the store still hearing the muttering of someone reading out loud. I looked around and saw a small woman reading Stephen King's The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon (pop-up version). I noticed the young woman was obviously one of "special needs" and thought to myself, "how sweet, she's reading; you go girl!" and went back to helping other customers.

A few moments later I hear the reading becoming louder. Obviously the dialogue was getting a little too exciting for this young lady as I could no longer hear the Jazz music over her assiduous reading. A few people started to stare and snicker at the young lady so in an attempt to save her from any impending embarrassment, I approached her, smiled, and put my finger to my lips and said "shhhhh...quiet voices in the bookstore, hon." At first she looked stunned and said, "ok, I'm sowwy" like a child caught with their hand in the cookie jar. As I walked away to help a customer at the cashwrap I heard more mumbling and I figured she was still reading. At this time the mumbling I now heard had turned to loud crying. Needless to say I felt like shit for saying anything; that is, until I looked up from ringing up the transaction to see that this 'special needs' lady was shooting me an evil look. Her face was a nice shade of red fury and she proceeded to put her forearm up to mouth to make an offensive farting noise and shout at me "YOUR NOT MY MOTHER!" THWWWWWWAPFT! " I stared back at her and said "Damn straight girly, now read quietly!" "THWWWWWWWWWWPFT, YOUR NOT MY MOTHER, THWWWWWWWWWWWPFT!!!" I was hoping that Corky would come by and get his wife; hell, at this point even the site of Norman Bates picking up his daughter would have been a relief.

Not being familar with the traditional way to offend someone by way of the raspberry offense, she continued to slobber against her arm. Once she reached the tipping point of beyond obnoxious, her arm, along with the Tom Gordon book, was dripping wet. I told her I would have to call security to have her escorted out the store if she couldn't behave. She proceeded to leave the store, only to stand out front of the entrance and start again with the arm-raspberry terrorism with additional shouts of maternal denial. Now I'm pissed. She sees Security walk by and runs away and I explain to security that she is "special, take it easy on her--but, she's annoying the fuck out of me. Please tell her not to comeback to bookstore."

After about 10 minutes had passed, I scolded myself for not being more compassionate towards the young lady. Afterall, she was only reading REALLY loud and who was I to ask her to read more quietly? "God, I'm such a bitch!" I thought to myself. I continued on with tasks and customer service when all of the sudden I hear someone pounding on my window at the store front. I look up and see the offender. She stares the evil stare, pounds on the window again and shouts "Your NOT MY MOTHER!! THWWWWWWWWWWAFPT!" She proceeds to stick her finger up her nose, digging deeply like she's fucking excavating King Tut's tomb, and then smears her fucking retard-boogers on the glass! One final--"THWWWWWWWWWWFPT!!" and then runs like a handicapped demon out of hell. I call security to have the little wench promptly escorted from the mall and then in an act of retribution that only comes when payback is in order, I take Stephen King's little pop-up book and return it to the publisher as not to attract any further episodes of 'special needs storytime' in the bookstore. The End, goddamnit.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Daily Blatherings, Decaf, No Whip

Jesus General has written a letter to Dr. Wunderkind, of Spit-Will-Kill-You-fame, Frist (you can call him the Senate Majority leader, but you doesn't have to call him Johnson.) and additionally suggests that White House Press Room Man-whore dujour JeffGannon aka (insert name here) be the poster boy for abstinence. In related news: My Labia has just fallen off, not that you could here it through the sound of a million nut sacks deflating.

Bill Nye the Science Guy returns to television with The Eyes Of Nye. Not only will things get blown up, but it will be a show where he tackles some more serious issues like "addiction, sex, cloning, and climate change.", neato, the Anti-Frist, Pro-Bono (heh) rock star of Science returns!

"Chewing gum can 'enhance breasts'" , I've been chewing it for three days and I grew a penis, which has proven to be useful as my Labia is obsolete, now I'm off to fiddle with my diddle. Have a terrific Hump day.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Neal Pollack Sweats

For twenty-three years, since the first shoots of curly black hair began to sprout in my Netherlands, I've really wanted to have sex in a steam room. Here's how the fantasy goes: I've been schvitzing for a quarter-hour, so I'm slathered with a fine salty sheen. The air is thick, but the steam has dissipated. Then the door opens.

Zoinks!

Once Upon a flick of the Bic

Yelling "Freebird!" has been a rock cliché for years, guaranteed to elicit laughs from drunks and scorn from music fans who have long since tired of the joke. And it has spread beyond music, prompting the Chicago White Sox organist to add the song to her repertoire and inspiring a greeting card in which a drunk holding a lighter hollers "Freebird!" at wedding musicians.

Bands mostly just ignore the taunt. But one common retort is: "I've got your 'free bird' right here." That's accompanied by a middle finger. [WSJ]

Any good drunk worth a shit would respond with...."Shomebody bether call Peta bread or whatever the fuck those animals fuckers are called, cuzzz that "freebird" *burp* smells like your assth....! Wooooooooooohooooooooooo!"

Playing God is hard work, its hard......work.

The Schiavo case is one fucked up mess to begin with, but the repub talking points are just as fucked up:
*This is an important moral issue and the pro-life base will be excited that the Senate is debating this important issue.

*This is a great political issue, because Senator Nelson of Florida has already refused to become a cosponsor and this is a tough issue for Democrats.

No, no its not a tough issue for Democrats/Liberals, we choose to respect the wishes of our loved ones, paper or not. As for the pro-life base and their "excitement", it would be super fucking nifty if they were half as excited about feeding the poverty stricken Americans who can barely feed their families, instead of being excited about sticking their noses in business that is not their own. What a fucking mess this has become, I hope that Mrs. Schiavo soon gets the peace she deserve, whatever the outcome, but, to politicize this issue is fucking arrogant & hypocritical bullshit. And a side note to my family: unplug me, no tubes or machines please, then burn me and toss the ashes back to God. Is there a notary in the house? Heh. A bit twisted, yes, but the last thing I would want is the government telling my family what to do with me in the event I couldn't speak for myself.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Ring Ring Ring

Banana Phone, Ding Dong Ding. [DB]

Friday, March 18, 2005

Stench O' Jesus

"His Essence" is a candle that smells like the son of God, its not enough that he was crucified, might as well burn him too.
"You can't see him and you can't touch him," says Bob Tosterud. "This is a situation where you may be able to sense him by smelling. And it provides a really new dimension to one's experience with Jesus."

Stench O' Cupie consists of Clariol Herbal Essences Radiant Ruby hair coloring, cigarettes, chocolate (assorted varities), Guinness, with a splash of Estee Lauder's Intuition for a more rounded earthy stench. Mix with equal measure, pour into wax, add a string and burn that sucker and it provides a really new dimension to one's experience with Cupie.

Purple Haze

Ga Lang, Galang. Ya-Ya, Yo. [WG]

Friday Folly?

"Today's conservatism is becoming yesterday's liberalism." -Andrew Sulliven
Yeah, but liberals are a little more kicked back, while conservatives rule with an iron fistmaster and until that time comes around when Americans tire of the callus on their bunghole, we shall continue living by the fistmaster, youch!. :D

Mein Kampf has become a bestseller in Turkey.-[BS] Recently a customer requested a copy of Mein Kampf and as I took him back to the section I said, "Were you aware that in German, Mein Kampf means 'flaming asshole'?" the man replied, "Really? I was kinda wonderin'." Sure, really, mmhmmm. :)


Please, watch this creepy Orwellian Epic, then tell me it won't happen, any reassuring words and comfort would be appreciated. [OH]

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Curse You, Stewie McSassmaster!

It's a trend that will hopefully die a quick painless death, as not to bring down the creative types that come up with the semi-amusing nicknames such as; Squinty McMonkey, Chimpy McHitlerburton I admit that's some funny McShit. However, if it doesn't stop soon, the internet will be inundated with McNicknames very shortly, thanks in most part to Jon Stewart and the Daily Show's effortless McWittiness. I pray this doesn't get out of hand or say into the hands of MSM, the last thing we need is Brian Williams announcing that we've finally captured Binny McAngrypants.

Speaking of eBay, this little ditty will keep your toes tappin' all day.
Click the play button and sing along!

A used ... pink bathrobe
A rare ... mint snowglobe
A Smurf ... TV tray
I bought on eBay
My house ... is filled with this crap
Shows up in bubble wrap
Most every day
What I bought on eBay

Tell me why (I need another pet rock)
Tell me why (I got that Alf alarm clock)
Tell me why (I bid on Shatner's old toupee)
They had it on eBay

[via: Barry McGigglesnarf]

Amaztype

Type in a word and Amaztype displays product found, in this case books, in the shape of the word you typed. For example, I typed in Spew and if you click on any part of the word you get the information of that particular item! Nifty.

And let us not forget the F-bomb. Enjoy! ;)

Morp Date Needed

The Criterion: I am not a shallow person, but I do have some standards. In order to bid on a date with me you must be a woman. I am not gay nor bi-sexual so for all of you gay men, I am sorry (I would be upset to miss out on a piece of ass this sweet as well). Next, the women that do decide to bid on this auction must be no younger than 15 years old and no older than 35 years old. The women, most importantly, must have a wonderful personality. She must want to dance and be sociable with my friends. Also, even though personality is most important, I would prefer the women to be attractive. Other than that, as long as you are not so psycho ax murderer, I would love to bring you as my prom date.

Nothing like whoring yourself on eBaY for a prom date. Alas, I'm to old for this young fella, which is probably for the better now that I've retired my Mary K Letourno costume. Why do I suspect this will eventually be a Law & Order plotline?

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Late Humpday Linkage ver. 2.0

Wednesday's Child is full of Whoa!
  • Blonde, "Purpose Driven Life" spewing, all around everyday nobody until that whole hostage thingy--gets a book deal and Hollywood is a knocking. Yippee? [BS]
  • Have an awful ex, want to tell the world about what a massive douchebag they were? Follow the yellow brick road...
  • Meet The Author, nice. Now meet David Sedaris; he's broke and insists that you buy his book so he can afford living the plush life. [OH]
  • 1. The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, creptalong the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castlewindow, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder,gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her,disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'Youlied! --This is the winner of the "Dark and Stormy Night Contest". Who doesn't love a oozing orb of flaming gas that shoves that sorry motherfucker "darkness" aside! [RB]

Monday, March 14, 2005

This Blog Has Tits

Maybe it's the overwhelming use of the color pink, or perhaps the Dorothy Parker quotes, or the fact that I have my picture shamelessly posted on the index page that lets you know that I, the Cupie, am a woman blogger. Have blog, will spew.

Lately, the world of op-ed and the bubble that is the blogosphere is all a titter (heh, tit-ter...mmkay...) about the lack of prominent female bloggers. Trust me, it's not easy to get the much coveted "traffic" all good self-promoting whores, like myself, desire. You've got to put yourself out there in the blogosphere in hopes that someone, anyone, will dig where you're coming from and link back to you. Maureen Dowd weighs in on the subject in her Sunday column:

When I need to work up my nerve to write a tough column, I try to think of myself as Emma Peel in a black leather catsuit, giving a kung fu kick to any diabolical mastermind who merits it

Basically, you've got to be ready to walk the talk, stand by your opinion and ready yourself for some debate if you want to play with the big boys on Technorati's top 100. I'll pass on the sweaty catsuit vision of Ms. Dowd's imagination and sit comfortably in my cotton sweats spewing my observations and opine satirically, mostly for my own amusement. Trust me, it has been great therapy when one is trying to break the habit of conversing with the television or say looking at my cats after watching a presidential press conference and saying, "no fucking way, he did not just say that." Both cats stare at me briefly, most likely thinking that food is coming and when they realize I'm nonsensically bitching about the state of the universe, they continue to lick their kitty crotches and I'm left with nothing but my blog.

Still, the question is out there:
"Does the blogosphere have a diversity problem?"
Not in my area of the blogosphere. I rarely visit the "top sites" unless I'm looking for something specific or they are already regular reads on my blogroll and really, when think about it, these sites are political or technical for the most part. So yes, they will get more traffic than the average blog. These bloggers stick to one topic and are known for it. I, on the other hand, can be all over the board, from politics to literature to how I scratched my ass last Thursday. I can expect less traffic than an "A-list" blogger, that is unless I scratch my ass while lashing out at main stream media, officially now referred to as MSM by bloggers. MSM should not be confused to MSG; although, both will make you dizzy and puke if too much is consumed.

The bottom-line is that in my mind or rather, my blogroll, no one gender is predominate in the sphere o' blogs. Linking whitey to whitey, "A-list" to "A-list" may happen in the top 100, but down here, in the belly of blogs, we are all colors and of every race possible. We are gay, lesbian, transgender, teenagers, seniors, middle-aged curmudgeons, Christians, atheists, agnostics; some being zealots, others being passive. We link to each other as if we know each other, but we don't, we just respect where they're coming from on any one point of interest.

If you are a woman with a voice to be heard, pimp your shit, sell it. No one is going to do it for you, so don't expect it. Be bold, work hard and maybe, just maybe you'll stand forefront in the male dominated world of opinions. Men are from mars, women have no penis. This blog has tits and sometimes they get cold when I'm pressing them to yet another glass ceiling for attention.

Brain Fart Or Aneurysm?

Sunday is my Monday, Monday is my Tuesday, so why does my Tuesday still feel like a Monday? Why did I forget to put coffee grounds in the coffee maker? As nice as a mug of hot water might sound, I really need my java. Why did I take the milk out of the fridge and put my bowl of cereal in the fridge? Why have I been sitting here starring at my empty coffee cup in front of me, knowing full well the milk on the counter will turn if I don't put it back in the fridge? After twenty minutes of these questions stinging my brain like electric shock treatments, I remedied all the above situations, came back to my computer only to light my cigarette backasswards, burnt my mouth with the coffee that I finally managed to make and made a second bowl of cereal forgetting I put the original bowl in the fridge. It's going to be a rough day.

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Yeah, so um...where was I?

My computer's power supply went tits-up the other day, $80 and I'm up and running again to surf the web another day, to delete mass junk mail one more fucking time, and to spew for you once more.

Rosie O' Donnell has a blog now and after reading a few of the posts some gray matter shot from my right ear----> *splat*, hit the wall and I'm now cleaning it up before my cats mistake it for kibble.
"I have had offers to do books, but what I do is too rough and raw for them. They always want it to be more linear than I think. This way I can just put it out there."
Sqoooooooosh splat! Yep, that was gray matter shooting from my left ear and this time I'm just going to shellac the shit and keep it as a reminder to never read Ms. O' Donnell's attempt at a non-linear writing style again. [via: BB]

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Mount St. Helens Shoots A Load

Terry McClain Of Puyallup took this picture from an airplane flying into Seattle
Mother Nature is on a tangent this year, bless her sweet magma-swollen ass.
Have a look see into the crater, good times!

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Three Things

1.) Washington Supreme Court takes on gay marriage issue
"You can basically redefine marriage until it has no meaning at all. Which will add a lot more confusion to a young person," said Aaron Haskins, Community Development & Renewal.

Well, yes you could, but ya see, no one is asking any one to do that, chump. It's all about equality, civil liberties, and respect. Considering a good majority of children in America are raised by a single parent, I would think any chance to give children a stable two parent family would be, and is, a good thing.

2.) The Hedonism Handbook: Mastering the Lost Arts of Leisure and Pleasure. Enough said.

3.) Move over Barbie, the Wonkette doll has a twist waist and stands on her tippy toes too!
"Lovingly modeled after the real Ana Marie Cox, the Wonkette doll is perfect for the politics and pop culture obsessed little girl in your life. With over seven outfits to choose from and with a sturdy BloggerGrip®, Wonkette will provide hours of fun and education! Wonkette also comes with her own wireless laptop to type obscenity-laced political satires from several 3D ‘Blogger’ PlayScapes®: the living room, the local Starbucks, the green room of Scarborough Country, and the living room again!" [via: Gawker]

Yeah, yeah, but does she have nipples?

Monday, March 07, 2005

Jesus Of Suburbia Heals Young Brit

Music fan Corey George was unconscious for two weeks on a life support machine after being knocked down by a car on his ninth birthday.

Then his mother Tina played him a CD by his favourite punk-pop band, Green Day.

Less than an hour after hearing the album, American Idiot, he had opened his eyes and was able to move his fingers and toes.

He has risen, he has risen indeed.

So Very Saucy

Jessa Crispin is not only a bookslut, she's a saucy foodslut. Yum.
This is not a website for picky eaters. If you're cutting carbs, eating at McDonald's, or buying margarine, this may not be the site for you. But if you love all kinds of food like we do, Saucy is here to entertain and enlighten.

After three years of running Bookslut, I realized that expense #1 in my budget was always books and magazines, but food and drink was closing in....[more].

Should you keep your liquor in the freezer? Want to attract butterflies to your house and eat them? Then this is the online mag for you. Okay, so you don't eat the butterflies. I jest, it's what I do.

Also found on bookslut this morning, for lack of anything original coming from my feeble Monday morning mind, a Guardian interview with the fascinating and disturbing R. Crumb.
[via: BS]

Of Books And Breasts

Looks like Pamela Anderson is one-upping me again. First, a semi-autobiographical work of fiction with her predominantly naked body on the cover; my idea as well, but I just can't seem to loose that menacing extra 50 lbs. One could seriously get lost in my secret garden of cellulite. It's not worth the risk. Also, just releasing my boobies from their binding tit-sling can be considered a terrorist threat. Now it appears Ms. Anderson has a television series based on what I do for a living minus the cellulite. Curse the wench and her bulbous mams, curse her!
The pilot episode hasn't been shot yet, but FOX's Pamela Anderson vehicle "Stacked" will be making its way onto the airwaves in just about six weeks.
The show, in which Anderson plays a bookstore employee trying to make a new start in life, is set to premiere at 8:30 p.m. ET Wednesday, April 13. The timeslot, between "That '70s Show" and the "American Idol" results show, would seem to indicate the network has pretty high hopes for "Stacked."

[link via: BS]

Sunday, March 06, 2005

If It Takes A Village, Am I the Village Idiot?

Good question, Cupie. Why Thank you, Cupie. Your rectum. welcome. The Spew is ever changing like myself, morphing into something bigger than my ass and my ass appreciates the competition. We have taken it upon our self to recruit two more contributors to the Spew and to change the name permanently to Spew It Forward! We will reside here @ the blogspot domain for awhile longer as my ass is lazy and change is such a pain in the ass and, as you know, my ass has bigger things on its mind, like breakfast.

I'd like to welcome Tanya Roseberry (my little sister) as my own personal editor and proof reader. She is a mother of three gorgeous kids and married to the man that gave me my first computer lo' those many years ago. The modem didn't work, but damn if I didn't master solitaire and Power Point. If I'm the Street Smarts, Tanya is the Book Smarts. I partied and she got an education. My high school sweetheart was gay, Tanya married hers. I drink booze and smoke like Keith Richards at a briss and she's never touched the stuff. Yes, we are opposites on so many levels, but we are great friends as well as siblings and I respect her opinion and feedback. Until she feels brave enough to post something, you can thank her for making my rants readable.

Also, I've recruited a teenage perspective, Sara Z. She will soon be 15 and she is my socially conscience niece. She's hip, fashion savvy and reads more than Andy, Tanya and myself, if that is at all possible.

I'm sure Andy will continue to contribute when his studies allow and I look forward to his posts once he moves to Japan.

Am I the Village Idiot for adding more contributors to my village? No, not really. I'm the goddamned Mayor of Cupieville and its all about the many perspectives that make us who we are.

Alrighty then, Sunday is my Monday, so I'm off to fling books at people who ask where the non-fiction section is. Have a most fabulous day!

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Zoinks! Me A Hater?

Imagine my surprise when I received an email stating I was doing a great job and was likened to Maureen Dowd and Ann Coulter. I almost pissed my pants and I'm still cleaning the coffee spray off my keyboard and monitor. Ah, well, you can't please them all, can you? The interesting thing about this is that I was compared to extreme examples of both Liberal and Conservative spew masters. I don't know if I should be flattered or appalled. Besides, if you're pissing off someone, anyone for that matter, you know you are doing something right...or wrong. Whatever, I'm good with it all.

I admit, I can be brash, politically incorrect, bitchy and at times a raging hormonal wench, but at least I admit my short comings and own up to my failures. A big-ass brownie point for me; smack a gold star on my forehead for effort. Admittedly, I have been known to use my ovaries like six-shooters on the hips of a swaggering cowboy and shoot them at will during that special time-of-the-month. It's all for a humorous effect rather than a hateful, or dare I say, slanderous effect. However, when I read heinous bullshit, I spew. When I see ignorance run rampant, I spew. When I have something to say I say it, right or wrong. That's how we learn on this spinning orb o' Earth, eh?

Hate is not my message. Far from it. I abhor the word "hate." It's such a strong contemptuous word and should be reserved for those more deserving than myself. I am your bucket of sunshine. I am a dreaded blogger with no affiliation to any publication or company. My only fault, to some, is that I have a centrist Liberal leaning. At best, my posts are predominantly satirical. If we can't laugh at ourselves and the insanity of our surroundings, what do we laugh at?

What is my message to the World? Use your brains and think things through from both sides of the situation. Smile a lot, laugh a lot, fart a lot, dance, shine, be positive, be proactive, and don't take anything seriously unless you're up for the battle. Keep an open mind and if at times that comes across as hate, you're not getting the whole picture or you have no understanding of the use of satire in my posts and should most likely seek help immediately or have a drink or twelve.

*Cheers* and thanks for stopping by! xoxo

Friday, March 04, 2005

Fried Day

Another week gone, another rash on the ass of humanity healed with humor. We are concerned about the average liberal's apathy since the election. Sniveling will get you no where, so snap out of it. Just because Bush is in office again doesn't make it okay to be a passive whimp. It's "balls to wall time" *snap* *snap*. Exactly what does "balls to the wall" mean? It means just that, put your floppy ass balls to work, be angry, act responsibly, use ointment when needed.

Discuss:

The Succubus of Liberty (Ann Coulter)went off on Liberals yesterday, basically by saying Dems strongarm Repubs by outing their gays. "Let go, let God ... Oops ? I'm talking to liberals! Let go, let Spongebob ...". Funny lil' succubus. Personally, I think she's hedging for the position of Gannon's main hag. Good for her. What she fails to understand is...everything.



History Lesson O' dee Day Oh!
It is hard to believe that George Bush has ever read the works of George Orwell, but he seems, somehow, to have grasped a few Orwellian precepts. The lesson the President has learned best--and certainly the one that has been the most useful to him--is the axiom that if you repeat a lie often enough, people will believe it. One of his Administration's current favorites is the whopper about America having been founded on Christian principles. Our nation was founded not on Christian principles but on Enlightenment ones. God only entered the picture as a very minor player, and Jesus Christ was conspicuously absent.

Our Constitution makes no mention whatever of God. The omission was too obvious to have been anything but deliberate, in spite of Alexander Hamilton's flippant responses when asked about it: According to one account, he said that the new nation was not in need of "foreign aid"; according to another, he simply said "we forgot." But as Hamilton's biographer Ron Chernow points out, Hamilton never forgot anything important.

If America is to be what our forefathers intended, then shouldn't we be tolerant and accepting of all religions and not govern by the Bible? The forefathers knew this, I know this, any educated Joe Blow from [insert city here] knows this.
[via da Goose]


And finally some fun crap to make Fried day a wee bit amusing.
J-j-jammin' on da one, yo.

Super Friends Office Space style.

[pilfered yet again from Side Salad] ;)

Thursday, March 03, 2005

My Little Golden Book About Zogg

"So it was with genuine anticipation that I opened the book, curious to know what the people at Little Golden Books believed small children who stick Beeferoni up their noses could absorb about the Inscrutible One.

You cannot imagine my horror, however, when my eyes met pages filled with saccharine, pastel artwork depicting cold-eyed androids that were clearly not of our realm. In a Beautiful Mind moment of schizophrenic clarity I saw the book for what it was: not a gentle introduction to life's most profound curiosity, but a primer for the parasitic offspring of an invisible invasion!"


Babies will eat you, hurray! And as always, resistence is futile.
[via: bookslut]

Happy Thursday, Sloppy Thursday, Invisible Thursday

I opted for sleep this morning instead sharing my invaluable opinion on matters of consequence and random insanity. I shall be using an invisible shield for the remainder of this blogging session. Spew at you tomorrow, again, you have be warned.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Ssssssssslither

War of the words: Think what you will of her political views, but columnist Ann Coulter certainly has a gift for writing provocatively titled (and best-selling) books. To wit: "Treason: Liberal Treachery From the Cold War to the War on Terrorism" and "Slander: Liberal Lies About the American Right." Trying to one-up her, a campus-centered offshoot of the Center for American Progress sponsored a "Name Ann Coulter's Next Book" contest and released the results yesterday.

The winner: "Roosevelt: Wheelchair-Riding, America-Hating Terrorist,"


My choice: "Churchill Was My Bitch".

In other news the Ann Coulter Action Doll was seen trying to seduce Disney's, very muslim and very lucious, Princess Jasmine doll. Shocking as it may seem and knowing Ms. Coulter hates all dark meat, this goes to show the world, that its male dark meat the action figure hates. [via: Wonkette with Brains]

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

News Flash! Douchebag Of Liberty Doing God's Work?

"He's been known for 40 years as Washington's journalistic "prince of darkness," but cranky, arch-conservative pundit Bob Novak believes he's doing God's work.

"I'm trying to tell the truth and taking positions that I hope are godly positions, positions that I hope are helpful to my fellow man," he tells Vanity Fair in a profile that hits the stands tomorrow. "And I don't think there's any law against enjoying myself in the process."

Can you be a douchebag and still do God's work? First off, God is far from human and if your doing his work, your creating, loving, compassionate and a force of nature. Get that down and any douchebag can do God's work. Especially if your a Strawberry Scented Douchebag. Secondly, if your the kind of douchebag that leaks an American operatives identity for the sake of making points with Dubya, your doing Satan's work. Satan himself being not of human form had no comment.[via: BS]

Wonkette Identity Issues--I AM Wonkette!, I AM pseudo Wonkette!, I AM Spartacus!...ah..Fuck It.

Real Wonkette: Well, lots of white people. It's like a trade show for conservatism, but without the drunken sex so much, really
Fake Wonkette: That is so disappointing!
Real Wonkette: Tell me about it! Was hoping to top Ann Coulter
Fake Wonkette: Rowr!
Real Wonkette: Jussssst kidding. The only conservative that really turns me on is JOE SCARBOROUGH, of course
Fake Wonkette: I think I almost got lost in Scarborough Country while you were gone.
Real Wonkette: I think it's his manly manly hair.
Fake Wonkette: I've come to heart that little hair-biscuit too. I really came close to becoming a Republican this month. Just because I found the Democrats really squishy and squirmy.
Real Wonkette: Well, that American Prospect contest would do that to anyone. And, yes, Dems are squishy and soft. Republicans are, like, ROCK HARD.
Fake Wonkette: Seriously! And they all seem to have at least 8 inches! [read it all]

Choire has passed the sticky reigns of Wonkette back to Ana Marie, you can all rest easy now, not that Mr. Sicha didn't do a fine job, he did, but his tits aren't as nice as Ms. Cox's, I think, well I wouldn't actually know, I have a hard enough time looking at my own tits, hmmm. Anyhoo, what I do know is that hers stick out more, being a girl and all, yeah...um...mmmkay.

Sell Your Publications On Amazon

I cannot even begin to tell you how many authors come into my store pimping their books without an ISBN and barcode. After I explain the how-to's, they usually look at me like I'm a wicked corporate book bitch (true, true, but I look good doing it) and then they go into how some stores buy the books to sell on consignment. That's all fine and good for a gift shops in tourist towns and the person buying the cute little sculpture of a seagull shitting on pilings and might just need some reading material for their vacation, but if you want your stuff to be exposed to the masses it cost some serious buckage.

I found this fantastic little cheat sheet on how to sell your shit on Amazon.com, it covers all the bases; prices, contacts and practical advice. The advice works the same when submitting your titles to the evil corporate book chains, trust me or not.