< Spew It Forward!: 12.05


Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Decode THIS!

010010010110110101110000011
00101011000010110100000100000011101000
11010000110000101110100001000000110011
001110101011000110110101101100101011100
100010000001000010011101010111001101101
000001000000110000101101110011001000010
000001100001001000000100100001100001011
10000011100000111100100100000010011100
11001010111011100100000010110010110010
10110000101110010001000000111010001101
11100100000011110010110111101110101001
0000001100001011011000110110000100001

The above link was swiped from a classy Ratboy who had his readers decode this:
010000010101001001010100 I took the raunchy route, of course.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Best Quotes Of The Year

"He's like the Peanuts character Pigpen. Wherever he goes, he stirs up such a humongous mess, it can only be cleaned up by Halliburton."
Bill Maher, on President Bush.


"No Froot Loops!" --Saddam Hussein
Never play with your food or your nun bun, it's nasty

"A cinnamon bun that bears a striking likeness to late Catholic nun Mother Teresa was stolen from a US coffeehouse on Christmas Day". The horror. Oh yeah and it doesn't look like Mother Teresa, it looks like puddle of poo. It's sad that we humans choose to find Gods in our food, but what the hell, it makes the time fly, as if it didn't fly fast enough. "Hey, I've got a free hour of life to waste, let's go diety hunting at the buffet!" or not.
Friday, December 23, 2005
Merry Christmas!

To you and yours, from what's left of me and mine. God bless us all.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Yes Virginia, there is a Santa!

Congressman John Conyers (D-MI) has just issued a press release announcing he has introduced resolutions to censure Bush and Cheney for abuse of power and to create a Select Committee with subpoena authority to investigate the administrationÂ?s misconduct with regard to the Iraq war and report on possible impeachable offenses. [via: Shakespeares Sister]

And then Santa said, "Listen Virgina, if Clinton can get spanked for lying about a blowjob, I'm thinking your current leader should get a lump of coal, anal probe or whatever it is those politicians do when they're naughty - whatcha think?" Virginia smiled. HOhoHO!
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
There for the grace of God goes my eye

It just shot out, my eyeball, it shot right out of the socket when someone seriously wanted to pull a book out of my ass, she had seen this book at another bookstore and this book was about some guy and of course it was blue. All books are blue when you can't remember the title or what the hell the book is about. I avoid making snarky remarks about customers anymore, I don't want to encourage my employee's to do the same...so I bite my tongue, a lot. Why is it people armed with small pieces of paper in their hands are so damn bitchy? Keep in mind that the majority of the people shopping in the malls this time of year never leave their homes prior to the two weeks before Christmas. AUGH! I absolutely love when a customer brings back everything they purchased the prior day because they've changed their minds, a mind is a terrible thing to waste people, please think more efficiently next time...mmmmkay?? And as if desperate people weren't enough, every piece of electronic equipment that helps us to run the store went tits up over the last week...this is not a good thing...it was a very bad thing, it made for constant stress for a two week period. So if you add a dollop of inane customer requests, employee's that give notice for the week prior to the holiday and a dash of computer collapse you get a totally trashed and bitchy me.

Collecting loose gray matter that shoots from my ears has become a daily task for all my employee's, God forbid the boss lose what's left of her mind. I found a medical text shelved in Sci-Fi Fantasy, *splat* or the guy rubbing Rachel Ray's 365 cookbook on his crotch (a recipe I wouldn't recommend to anyone this side of sanity, because if I catch another adult male getting a boner just thinking of the perky Ray, I will give them a paper cut they'll never forget.) ***SPLAT***! Occasionally someone will walk up and attempt to shove the gray matter back inside my ear canal, at which time I thank them, quiver a bit and then move on to the next task. For whatever reason, this holiday is totally trashing me and the suits have now asked that managers take their holidays after January 7th, fuck me with a fork and call me done and hey, could somebody grab that piece of my brain stem, thanks. It's not enough that I'm working 11-12 hour days, "they" (the suits), would like managers to work 6 days next week, Merry Christmas to you and a hearty fist full of humbug to the people running our business, lol, Holly Jolly times! WOoOoOoOooHooOOOoOoo, woo.

Ahem, okay, everything is going to be okay...all after all it is Christmas and a certain Santa Aimee (with the help from a Santa Sister) sent a surprise gift that will ward off all Humbug dimbulbs, fucktards and defective electronics for the remainder of the season:

I now have turbo HOLLY JOLLYitis whether I want it or not and if you don't like it, I'll kick the spirit of Christmas right smack into your ass. Ho, ho, ho.
Friday, December 02, 2005
Deck The Halls, bitch.

It snowed here yesterday and I have about two inches of snow on the ground, with the sweetest little flurries making way to their demise right now. When it started snowing I was all, "don't even think of calling me into work tomorrow I need that damn day off, I'm dead to you all tomorrow, dead I say!" and then I proceeded to work another hour and a half after my scheduled time off and bitch about it the whole time, and to make matters more pleasurable when an employee asked for a quick break I went into a tirade about not having one decent break all fucking week. It was weird, I got my whole Jewish-mom-guilt-thing down and I'm not even Jewish, that I know of, well actually there's a little Jew in everyone, I've seen it, in my dreams, granted I'd taken painkillers and Jesus was holding the leash....wait...where was I? Yes, my employees don't want to see my ass, I was in Nazi-mode as not to get off track, obsessed to the point of actually cramming a sandwich down my throat while scrubbing the goddamned toilet because adult employees make the messy, but don't like cleany, it's pathetic. No, my employee's are sure to be tired of my militant, obsessive ass and could do with a day away from psycho boss; some may say I'm a control freak, I'd just say I'm driven to stay on track with tasks and goals that don't concern my body weight. Fourth quarter is a survival test as is the winter add them together and there is no need to question "where the time went", it just went, like my mind, gone.com.

In order to get two days off in a row, today is my first day off in seven days and I'm still in work mode, I automatically woke at 5 a.m., I looked outside and saw the snow and stressed out that one of the employees would call in sick. Exhausted, I slept restlessly for three more hours and when I finally gave up the fight with my mind I awoke, checked for messages, and there were none. I'm home free baby, home free to get all Nazi on Christmas decorations that must be hung, there will be some freakin' Christmas spirit in my home and hopefully it will infect my soul and the glories of the holidays will radiate from my eyes and blind you with love, good will and joy. Wow, that would be freaky as fuck if that happened, but what an experience it would be, no?

The snow is beautiful and although it's starting to melt now and little flurries are still falling from the sky. They don't care that they'll melt by the end of the day, they just fall, bless their little snowflake souls, well they don't have souls that we know of, they just happen to be a result of the right barometric pressure, and not the souls of angels that bring the Christmas spirit to the world. However, they are beautiful and beautiful things can ignite an imagination, so my imagination will go the way of millions before me and I'll put up Santas and sparkling lights, put up a tree and decorate it to the point no one will ever know it was a tree to begin with, toss in a Nativity or two, and by God and sheer delusional will power I WILL have the holiday spirit, damn it.

Oh yeah, by the way congratulations are in order for Enrique Iglesias!!!! We couldn't be more thrilled for you. xoxo

By way of my inbox :


Life is all about asses
you're either covering it,
laughing it off,
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it,
trying to get a piece of it,
or behaving like one