Overheard at the bookstore

Girl #1: "Aren't these Book Thongs pretty, Jess would really love this one!"

Girl #2:: "It's pretty but I don't think she'll wear it"

Me:: "You don't wear them, they mark your place in the book your currently reading. I suppose you could rig it so you could wear them, but some of those charms and beads are awfully sharp, ow."

Girl #1: < Laughing uncontrollably >

Girl #2: "You think I'm a bookstore slut, don't you?"

Me: "Ow, ew and will you being paying cash or credit?"

It's been a LONG week. Have a dandy day.

Inbox Smear

Lawyers aren't so bad:

Lawyers for Kid Rock and a California company have reached a tentative agreement to extend a judge's order blocking the release of an explicit sex video featuring the rap-rocker, former Creed singer Scott Stapp and four women.

Ew, fucking ew. *shiver* I think my girlie unit just fused together...yikes. Ew.

Ms. Cox gets a new gig at Time Magazine, bravo Ms. Thang. Her first effort "Lobbyists In Love" examines the "Post-Abramoff Sudden Virtue Syndrome", afterall D.C. is the most virtous city in the world.

Have a loverly day folks.

Bushwhacked in the morning

I hate waking up to the President in the morning, that quirky lil' bastard is sounding almost hysterical this morning and I thought I was the one on the verge on gooblymind syndrome. I was amused when Dubya was asked about the probability of impending impeachment and censure hearings and he was all, debate is good! Afterall Bush is a master debater. (lil' puke with the giggle this a.m.)

Three years into a war we were duped in to, Bush is like the lover that won't finish the job, when he promised he was just gonna git in thar, do our bidness, and git on out, yeehaw. In the meantime, you've got a blister the size of the sun on yer private parts and no amount of oinment will heal that bitch. What a charming fella.

Crossroads

This is the last week for the bookstore and it should be a doozey! I can't say that blogging will be on my mind, if at all, but I'll try and make it my escape from reality, no promises though. So much is stinging my brain, what direction should I go? Where will I live? Where will I work? I've got some good prospects that I hope will work out but until I've made the decision, your guess is as good as mine. It's funny, last year I thought I knew what I was going to do, now my brain is nothing but mush and fear and that makes for a yummy stew of confusion. *Splat* :P~

Customer Appreciation Day

When you close a business, the vultures come out in droves. They are relentless AND cheap mofo's, and my tongue is bloody and numb from biting it. They all say "we're so sorry to see you close" and hand you a hundred. I appreciate the sentiments, especially if I've seen them shopping in my store over the years, but for the most part, I don't know these people at all and honestly, I don't like them. I'm exhausted and heading back there now, lucky me. The fun thing is thanking these vultures with a bloody lisp; "Thhanks for thopping with uth fo allth theses yearths" so not only have they torn up my store, but the bloody lisp leaves blood spatter on them so they look like they've been to war, *giggle-puke*. Have a dandy day.

I'll take an Angry Black Bitch, low fat, no whip, to go please, thanks.

If you haven't read her blog, you don't know what your missing, she's so fucking eloquent in a sassy woman kinda way. I love this woman!

See, the last decade of American politics has been confusing as a motherfucker. The recounts, election fraud, willingness of elected officials to lie to the public and corruption scandals fly in the face of our current democracy marketing campaign. Advertising may get folks into the store, but a shitty product will have them turning right around and cursing your name on top of it.

But now we all have a chance to demonstrate democracy in action. Yeah! Imagine the print story y’all could plant in the Iraqi newspapers covering this shit…

Today President Bush was censured for willfully ignoring the law of the land and authorizing the illegal wire-taping of American citizens without a warrant or legal review. In America, the citizens have rights and those rights are upheld by the law of the land. No one citizen is above the law of the land…including their President. Congress writes the laws and censured the President for violating his oath of office and his responsibility to preserve and protect the Constitution of the United States of America. This is a demonstration of democracy honoring no elected titles and checks & balances in action!

Oh my, this is a huge opportunity for a wee little international lesson in American civics!

Talk about shock and awe (wink).

Brilliant.

Flatline Special Of The Day

"1,000 calories and 45 grams of fat." Why??????? And where the fuck is the chocolate?









Bastards.

Beyond the cubicle

From The Dilbert Blog

Nature’s Jet Pack

If you lived on a planet with almost no gravity, would you be able to fly just by peeing?

Discuss.

I totally dig where Scott Adams is coming from; I love Dilbert, but it's his two wee little books God's Debris and The Religion War that won me over completely. Both fiction, both a quick read and if you observe life around you and educate your mind, you'll realize how completely right on he is. I dig it and I dig questions like the above. For one minute today my mind quieted and I realized that farting would be the better option for forward motion (in a low gravity situation) than peeing.

The Freedom to say thanks?

"Freedom is actually a bigger game than power. Power is about what you can control. Freedom is about what you can unleash." - Harriet Rubin


More Bush visits India cartoons.

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You

Well, obviously, this is bittersweet for me. On the one hand, I get it: You don't like me. You really don't like me. On the other hand: I'm free. Look, I don't want to make this a political thing, but there is nothing more important than freedom. Freedom — my freedom, specifically — it's bigger than all of us. Bigger than you, even if you have gained weight lately. I should probably thank you for breaking up with me, because it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. But I won't. Because I hate you.

[link via Ms. Garrett]

Egads, it's snowing and I have the complete joy of venturing out in it, woo. Thanks for stopping by and have a loverly day!

Gahslurb

My brain is as close to mush as you can get, brain soup, yuuuum! So howzabout some nice tasty linkage? Okay, here ya go:

What else is South Dakota Going To Ban:

10) The 19th Amendment

9) The 20th Century

8) Every position except missionary

7) Erections outside of marriage

6) Pregnant cops

5) All movies made after Barbarella

4) All TV channels except Fox News and HGTV

3) Fancy book learnin' for girls

2) The federal judiciary

1) Feminine protection

[via bookslut]
Well, one link is better than none I suppose, but it's pretty funny, even a mush brain like me got a chuckle from it. Chuckle. Funny word. Have a super day!

The Reviews Are In

I didn't see all of the Oscars, I was out and about but I did see chunks and what I did see was amusing enough to make all generations laugh, my nieces loved the Ben Stiller "green screen" bit as did the majority of the people that watched it with us. From what I've been able to read this morning Jon Stewart got rave reviews, sans one; WaPo and at first I was all "no way", then I read Tom Shales article who noted that "Letterman's hosting gig, however, was better than Stewart's by far.". Gosh, well I guess every has a right to their opinion and then I read this paragraph:

Among other highlights: Jessica Alba's dress; Jessica Alba; a handsome Plexiglas lectern that facilitated some dramatic shots from just in front of the stage; the usual tastefully done "in memoriam" montage for film figures who died since the last Oscarcast; and Jennifer Lopez looking particularly attractive.

Yup, for me the Oscars was all about sandwiching death between Alba and J-Lo. If those were your highlights Mr. Shales, I'd suggest you would have been better off by some quiet time alone with a sock and a People magazine.

Stewart did a fine job, the ladies looked gorgeous and the gentleman looked dandy and that's what we watch the Oscars for and that's what thousands of people get paid to write about the next day, except for bloggers, they get to remark on what people wrote or just straight up post another's story out of sheer laziness or lack of imagination, it's kind of like when an interviewer snaps a minute with Lindsay Lohan and treating the word swap like a Pulitzer Prize winning moment despite the fact Lohan had nothing to do with any of the movies nominated,she's just "young hollywood" -- *POOF* that was my brain, 'tis gone. Have a loverly day.

Company

A few years ago, during the peak of a very busy holiday season, I bought some doughnuts as a treat for my employees. I made sure that I bought enough for everyone on all the shifts. Just a few hours into the early shift, I went to the backroom and found that almost all the doughnuts were gone. There were only three of us working at the time and there were two shifts left. I knew who the culprit was immediately and when I confronted her she was holding a doughnut about ready to bite into it, when I said "I think you've had more than your share, don't you?" she was shocked and insulted and put the doughnut back at which time I told her to finish the damn thing and that she could explain to her fellow employees why they didn't have the pleasure of a doughnut.

Now, as not to sound like a massive douche bag, this was the third week in a row that this had happened and the guilty employee couldn't fathom why I made such a "big deal" about the doughnuts, I explained that I was treating everyone who was to work that day and that it was unfair to the other employees when she devoured half a dozen doughnuts as easily as she breathed. I never bought doughnuts again and the offending employee never understood why and on occasion, I guess out of guilt, she'd bring in day old doughnuts that the other employees would enjoy, but I would never eat. This is a woman who if tempted by another's "treat" of any kind, will take the treat and leave a dollar in it's place. I could go on about this particular employee, her audacity, ignorance and self obsession, but that would induce a rash on my ass so huge that it would run the course of my body swelling my fingers to the point that I couldn't type and I would most likely choke on my swollen tongue and perish, never to blog again, so at this time I will refrain and save that rant for another day when I'm feeling particularly bitchy and down on work.

Incidents with doughnuts in the workplace are not uncommon, perhaps you have your own tale to tell, but the best that I've read by far is Max Barry's hilarious new novel Company. If you have ever worked for a large corporation, dealt with Darth Vader-like Human Resources department or have not completely understood your company's mission statement, let alone dealt with a doughnut stealing employee, you will LOVE this book! It's truthful in it's hilarity of what and how working for a corporation is like. Dilbert makes us chuckle, Company will make you laugh your ass off. There were times that I recognized myself in the main character "Jones" and times I shamefully recognized myself in other less than charming characters, but I am one who enjoys laughing at myself and my shortcomings preferably before others, I'm a fucking riot sometimes.

Without giving too much away, Company takes place in Seattle in one of the high-rises amidst other sparkling, yet nondescript, buildings littering the skyline. The employees of Zephyr Holdings could be your relatives, friends and co-workers, you feel like you know them or are them, but what's up with the receptionist that drives a car more expensive than the furnishings of the Training Sales and Information Technology departments combined. And speaking of Training Sales, what are they selling and to who? Paradigm shifts, consolidations, if there is a way to make more money a company will find it, usually at the employee's expense and to the benefit of Senior Management's bonus check. I've personally experienced all of this at one point or another; being a cog in the wheel is exhausting and at times humiliating while occasionally rewarding other times. This book has been the best book I've read this year and it's helped me through the difficult transition of closing my own store due to a "consolidation" not unlike the one in the book. This book is for all of you that use a management book with the word Omega on it as coaster or a door stop, it's good in theory, but it's far better as a household utility.

Folly & Fodder

FUN
Disney Junkies may I present the fabulous Re-Imagineering

A forum for Pixar and Disney professionals passionate about the Disney Theme Parks to catalog past Imagineering missteps and offer up tenable practical solutions in hopes that a new wave of creative management at Imagineering can once again bring back some of the wonder and magic that's been missing from the parks for decades.

Being as Disneyland is one of my favorite places on the planet, we are thrilled to see that after the tightass Eisner period, creativity rears it's gorgeous process. Now, if they re-imagineer their hideous blogger template we'd be completely happy.
[via Scrubbles]

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Ziggy Stardust - The Comic Book!

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My favorite former CNN anchor Aaron Brown on "breaking news"

"He compared such "breaking news" to heroin — it’s good for a while, but will eventually make you feel used and dirty."

No shit, but please don't hesitate give me another 12 hours about Natalee Holloway *click*. [via Talk Left]

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South Dakota Politicians Play God So You Don't Have To

Roe V. Wade be damned, South Dakota's puritanical oppression of a woman's right will be one ugly battle. But fear not, Molly Saves The Day and it's a whopper folks. Abortion tutorials on the web, I'm speechless, which is why I'm typing this, I guess. Abortion is never an easy decision whatever the circumstance, but it's a personal decision, not the governments, stay away from me crotch you halfwit, money sucking vampires. It's fucking shameful that Viagra is available on demand, but when it comes to female birth control options, your handed a bible in some states. I believe in taking proactive measures when the system breaks down and Molly has done this and I applaud her, although it's a very sad day when women in South Dakota have to Google a "How to" on abortion.

*Mandatory Class participation

"What was the #1 song in the U.S.A. the day you were born?"

(click above for link)
Mine: "Hello, Dolly!" by Louis Armstrong
Satchmo and Babs, nice.

I said hello, dolly,......well, hello, dolly
It’s so nice to have you back where you belong
You’re lookin’ swell, dolly.......i can tell, dolly
You’re still glowin’...you’re still crowin’...you’re still goin’ strong
I feel that room swayin’......while the band’s playin’
One of your old favourite songs from way back when
So..... take her wrap, fellas.......find her an empty lap, fellas
Dolly’ll never go away again

(instrumental break)

I said hello, dolly,.....well, hello, dolly
It’s so nice to have you back where you belong
You’re lookin’ swell, dolly.....i can tell, dolly
You’re still glowin’...you’re still crowin’...you’re still goin’ strong
I feel the room swayin’...while that ole band keeps on playin’
One of your old favourite songs from way back when
So...golly, gee, fellas....find her an empty knee, fellas
Dolly’ll never go away....i said she’ll never go away
Dolly’ll never go away again

[link via ratboy's anvil]

*Leave yours in the comments, enquiring minds want to know. ;) Have a dandy day!