Friday, April 28, 2006

Sexiest Book Dweeb Award

See, just when you think your done for the day, you open one last link and you get this: "What's sexier than an overflowing book bag and a knowledge of the Dewey Decimal System?" Powell's employees, of course.
"There are generally a couple of attractive employees leaning seductively on a bookcase and at least one hungry-eyed tigress crawling over the top as if she can't wait to devour you. Here at Powell's, we like to think books are sexy... and bookstore employees are even sexier."

I know that when I hired people to work in my store it was all about how sexy they could be with papercuts, how sexy they looked when the customer asks for the "blue non-fiction title that they saw at a airport of a undisclosed location" and how sexy they look when they eventually hand over a copy of The Da Vinci Code, which is not blue. You've got to be sexy to do that, period.
[via bookslut]

Flea Market Friday


Click here to adopt your own little monster! Sure, I tried this once before, I believe it was called Eharmony, I suspect that the results will be approximately the same. Come back on Monday and see what hatches.

--------->*o*<

Stream the new Pearl Jam courtesy of AOL, the bastards. [via Stereogum]

--------------ooooooooo>>>

Well, shit. That's all my mind could come up with this morning, it's just too damn nice out to think about computers, monsters and other signs of the impending apocalypse, I'm off to frolic and you should as well. Have a super fantastic weekend!

Thursday, April 27, 2006

C is for Cookie

that's good enough for me, yum.

[via BWE]


You gotta love a generation raised with puppet monsters.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Attention Teachers

I was just browsing through Bookslut and ran across this article on the changing face of High School reading lists and lo and behold - a bug crawled up my ass - good times. My gripe would be that over the gazillion of years I've sold books to the public there is undoubtedly a miscommunication between teachers and bookstores, or better, no communication whatsoever! Every year I'd send letters requesting student reading lists so that we could order up on stock. But alas, nary a teacher or administrator saw fit to supply us with a list. So, when a teenager had to find a book on the list all the surrounding bookstores would have one or two copies for 100 teens with money in their pockets. Could that be any more unfair to the student? Or, is it a lesson to the children to be proactive in finding a copy of the book of their choice?

After a few years of letting down confused teenagers "they said I could get it any bookstore!" and pissed off parents "I WILL talk to the teacher about this!", I took it upon myself to make sure we always had a great quantity of the usual, a good chunk of Shakespeare's catalog, the Fitzgerald, Steinbeck and Hemingway. Fortunately, the landscape is changing as the article points out:
"Largely in response to their more ethnically diverse student bodies, high schools in the area are broadening their literature selections to include more contemporary writers, more women and more minorities."

This is awesome in many respects, mostly because the title choices are contemporary bestsellers and bookstores usually have a good quantity AND the student is reading about situations that directly pertain to current events or a global thought virus. But then again, the whole Oedipus thing reaches beyond generations, to the icky point of where attractive teachers want to be mommy/queen, ew.

It's great to see reading lists evolve to cater to specific generations, it's not great when the teacher doesn't make the book readily available and shame on the School Districts for not allocating funds for these books. When I was in school, I never had to buy an additional book for school, that I remember, but then again that was a different time and hell, I was impressed when the Dick and Jane Readers finally had a nice African American family move into the neighborhood, that was our diversity!

Teachers, if the school doesn't supply the books on your specific lists, simply mail the list to ALL of your local bookstores and make sure the books are still in print and easy to find. It's a win/win whenever communication is involved, the students win, no pissed off parents, bookstores get a sale and the teacher can get on with teaching the book to their class. It's easy and no bugs will crawl up your butt.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Snootch to the um...nooch or Jay & Silent Bob: A Love Story

Have I ever mentioned the level of highbrow entertainment that this sophisticated blogger enjoys? No? Alrighty then:

Okay, I admit that's it's pretty fucking juvenile of me to want to see this movie, but ya know, you only live once and I like to laugh my ass off as often as possible (as my ass is a bit ample as of late), it helps to ward off the horrors of reality (read: Bush Co.) and I like it.

Kevin Smith, in my opinion, is a brilliant s.o.b, he brought us the awesome power that are Silent Bob & Jay, fun movies like Clerks, Chasing Amy, Jay & Silent Bob Strike back, Jersey Girl (anything with George Carlin can't be that bad) and lest we forget, one of my all-time favorites Dogma. I suspect that author Dan Brown was inspired to write the Da Vinci Code after watching Dogma, he must have been high or something, but that's what I think, screw the Holy Blood, Holy Grail bitches. And really, is it wrong to imagine that in that glass pyramid at the Lourve, that according to Mr. Brown's fictionalized account in the Da Vinci Code, holds the remains of that God fearing slut Mary Magdalene, might actually hold a copy of Dogma?

At my age, I should be done with potty humor, but it's like crack to me, although I must admit that I did watch the
Aristocrats (sophisticated lowbrow humor?) and turned it off mid way because it totally grossed me out, I mean, there is just some shit that shouldn't be joked about in this day and age, ew. However, I do love the not-so-subtle stoner humor of Silent Bob & Jay and any movie that they're in, probably because of their undying friendship in the movies and in real life. Their friendship is one of the best examples of unconditional love that I've ever seen.

A few years ago I watched An Evening With Kevin Smith and was astonished at how point blank he was about Jason Mewes' (Jay) heroin addiction and only when Mewes got clean and sober would Kevin consider another Silent Bob & Jay movie. Well, Kevin did stick by his "hetero lifemate" and the result is a healthy Mewes, buuuunnng!

Kevin did chronicle the drama of loving an addict on his journal My Boring Ass Life it's a compelling must read for anyone who has or is loving an addict now. Sobriety can change your life and the good news is is that in August '06 Clerks II will be released.
You can read Me & My Shadow here:
Part 1 - "Since the gossip sites have seen fit to print only the portion of the Jason Mewes story I told at UPenn (that portion being what said sites seem to feel is the only interesting aspect of Mewes' life), I figured why not put the whole tale of Jason's battle with drug addiction into print here, where folks can get a better idea of who Jason truly is and maybe why he fell victim to heroin abuse in the first place. I'm thinking it's gonna be at least a four-parter, and I'm hoping to wrap it up by April 6th, the day Mewes celebrates his "Sober Birthday", when Jay will mark his third straight year of living completely drug and alcohol free.

At the least, it's a more comprehensive profile at a guy who's accomplished a lot more than celebrity bathroom sex; at the most, it's an ode to a very unlikely hero of mine and a man I love (in a decidedly hetero way)."

Part II - "How Mewes arrived at "Snootchie Bootchies" a nonsensical utterance of which he is the sole author is a fascinating study in linguistics."

Part III - "I swear, Moves. I was taking a shit and reading comics."

Part IV - "Le junkie! Le junkie!"

Part V - "The next time I saw him was at Harley's christening, the weekend "Dogma" was released theatrically. He didn't stick around at the party very long, and it was clear that his mind was elsewhere."

Part VI - "FUCK YOU, YOU JUNKIE-JERKOFF!" Yes - I was so fed up with him that I busted an alliterative. "YOU JUST SIT AROUND AND CRY ABOUT YOUR FUCKING PILLS WHEN EVERYONE'S JUST TRYING TO KEEP YOUR DUMB ASS ALIVE! BE A FUCKING MAN AND GROW UP ALREADY!"

Part VII - ""Oh my God"" she uttered from the bed, where she was leafing through the magazine.
"What's the matter," I queried.
"I think something's happened to Mewes."

She pointed to a small, sidebar feature in the magazine. It was about Mewes, who'd been reported missing for months and presumed dead."

Part VIII - "He might as well have said "Moves, guess what? I've always secretly been Jesus Christ Himself, and I've decided to head back home to be with my Heavenly Father, so I'm busting out The Rapture a bit early. Start praying you don't get 'Left Behind', sir. Also, I'm gay.""

Part IX: The Conclusion - ""Who is Nicole Richie?" I was blithely unaware, at that point, of "The Simple Life".
"Lionel Richie's daughter," Mewes offered.
"And you fucked her?"
"
She fucked ME, sir. She just pulled me into a bathroom stall and fucked me. It was weird."
"Had you ever even met her before?"
"Once or twice. Through Kim Stewart."
"Rod Stewart's daughter."
"Yeah."
"What's with all the kids of 80's pop icons digging on you?"
"Because they know The Mewes is long, and he's strong, and he's down to get the friction on."
"See? There ARE benefits to staying clean."

Click for larger pic, a pic of which was pilfered from My Boring Ass LifeThree years sober (Congratulations!) acting once more and sex with skinny socialites in denial are what Mewes is now, I admire the dude for staying clean in the realm of Hollyweird. Also, I am impressed that both Smith and Mewes learned one of the hardest words to utter in any language, "NO" it saved their friendship and Mewes' life. Mostly, I can't wait to see Clerks II so that I can get on with my crushin' on both Jay & Silent Bob. Buuuuuuuuuuung!

The moral of this story is LOVE and that how if you love enough, with a dash of help from that fickle bitch Lady Luck, assorted rehab facilities, and unwavering dedication, love always wins out.
----------------------------------------------
My Space Link: Clerks II this leads to other links, so on and so on. Funny stuff.

You Tube it, you brought it.
Jay gets his groove on.

Kevin Smith on Clerks II trainwrecks.

----------------------------------------------
Heroin Addiction help links:
heroin Addiction.com, What's the best treatment for heroin addiction?, Heroin,
Narcotics Anonymous.

Have a loverly day and Snoooooooooooooooootch to the noooooooooooooooooch! Bung.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Dead Mans Chest

click for larger picHow I do love a Pirate Ship, even a scary ghost Ship. We are greatly looking forward to the second Pirates movie, if only to see Mr. Depp in all his stinky, filthy Jack Sparrow glory. Cool.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Scott McClellan Resigns From Bush Administration

President Bush says that McClellan has "given his all." Now the dude is spent. Hey Scott, I've got a bucket of horse bones for ya!

Sweet and Sour

Anymore, for myself at least, I find talking about the current administration of criminals residing at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave is equivalent to beating a dead horse and the horse is far past rot. Five years into it and I'm numb to all of Bush & Co.'s wicked tricks and all I have is a bucket of horse bones to shake at the television in exasperation. Last year the oil industry had it's largest profit ever, however, they will be the first to point out that big pharm is far more profitable. Say hello to three bucks a gallon, we've got their summer houses to pay for folks. Gah, gurgle.
*Shakes can of horse bones at monitor* Snarf.
[American Agenda]

Now, enjoy the lighter side of what really matters today baby porcupines:

Thanks and have a loverly day.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Blogwhirrled

Blogosphere update

I only read a handful regularly, you've really got to thrill my lazy ass if you want me at your site everyday, you know, like I thrill the living shit out of you people everyday occasionally. Fascinating thing, don't ya think? Leave a link if your one of the 19.4 million who I haven't read, we'll give 'er a shot and maybe a shout, woohoo.



WWJB = What would Jesus Blog? "Today I turned water into wine, I can't wait to show mom!"

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Moses and the creepy volleyball woman

I've got issues, I know this, you know this, so why God, why did Wilson's make that creepy commercial. You know the one, it's starts innocently enough, there's a volleyball looking like it's sweatin' out fluorescent sports drink and then the seams start to rip away and the ball starts forming a human shape trying to rip free from it's sporty pod. Seeing the figure of a face trying to rip through the rubber just freaks me the fuck out! This isn't Tom Hank's Wilson, no, this is Wilson's creepy sister being born on television. Ew, ew, ew.

So, last night, I'm watching the 10 Commandments for the umpteenth time and the commercial comes on and it's that damn ball again, sweatin' it's sports drink, "Oh shit!" I scramble to find the remote control, I won't watch it again, I can't do it, ew. I panic. I fumble to find the remote as the volleyball's seams start to rip away and then "click." Whew. "See ya bitch" I say and quickly turn the channel as not to expose myself to the creepy ball lady. Once my heart rate leveled and a commercial for some local news brought back a smidge of sanity, I was able to flip the channel back to the good ol' creepy gun totin' Moses. Whew.

Have a loverly holiday!

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Singing to the choir?

Why I love the internet:
The Divinyls

Thursday, April 13, 2006

In Search of (S+C) x (B+F)/T = V

Blogapathy? No, no, that's just me, but my ass is a different story. My ass doesn't quite measure up to the "definitive derriere":
"The perfect female derriere has firmness to the touch and a resilience that prevents undue wobble or bounce, yet looks soft with flawless skin,"

No mention of ass dandruff or the ass by way of kummerspeck, whatever, I like my ass.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Fukking Future

When author Max Barry wrote the satirical novel Syrup, his first hysterical look into "big business" & guerilla marketing, he didn't think that some six, seven years later the very company he mocks so brilliantly actually seems to be going by the way of Fukk:

In my novel Syrup, the hero comes up with an idea for a new cola called "Fukk," which comes in a jet black can. He sells the concept to Coca-Cola (well, kind of), and the company releases it.

I’m hoping there will be a Syrup movie in the not-too-distant future, but Coke is making me nervous by releasing products that are increasingly like Fukk. The latest is "Blak." It's a black bottle, not a can, but still: I'm becoming convinced that their plan is to creep toward a Fukk-like product, then sue me for stealing their idea
.


It's like a Blak Fukk, if you will and you may have already drank some, who can say?

Personally, I don't understand why our society would want to drink Blak, a "Coke(c) effervensence with coffee essence(tm)." I suppose you could chase your Aimbein(c) or Lunestra(c) with it at night instead of Red Bull(c). How we do love to string ourselves out, so we can take a sleep meds.

Whatever the case, let's hope that Blak dosen't mess with the future of Fukk in the movies, we need Fukk, that's not to say we don't need Blak, I'm sure it's yummy, to someone, but let us never forget that it was Fukk started it all.

Friday, April 07, 2006

The Rhythm Of Unemployment

Establishing routine within the realm of "free time" is not an easy task, mostly I've been catching up on sleep, and thinking of the future. Sure, I'm breaking a sweat daily with the whole, "omg, I'm unemployed" panic attacks and then like any good obsessive/compulsive, I clean out every draw in this lil' apartment, before I start any project I have to clean EVERYTHING! It's time consuming, but damnit, it has to be done! All the laundry is done, the floors will be next once it's all in it's place, whatever "it" is, I can start a project and focus on blogging again.

I will say congratulations to South Park for winning a freakin' Peabody Award for their Katrina story:
"South Park" was praised as a show that "pushes all the buttons, turns up the heat and shatters every taboo," Peabody Awards Director Horace Newcomb said. "Through that process of offending it reminds us of the need for being tolerant."

Indeed.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

01-02-03-04-05-06

Be there or be asleep it only happens once in forever.
At 1:02 a.m. - plus exactly three seconds - tomorrow, in the fourth month of the year, on the fifth day of that month in the sixth year of the decade, an event that may be simultaneously spectacular and randomly mundane will occur.

Make a wish, say a prayer, or watch as the skies part and swallow the earth whole. Or, expect nothing.
"It doesn't mean anything," said John Allen Paulos, a Temple University mathematician who has written a number of books about numbers.

The math brain behind bestsellers such as Innumeracy and A Mathematician Plays the Stock Market has concluded that 010203040506 will be just another point in the time-and-space continuum. There isn't even a name for such an occasion.

No Name? Five seconds in the mind of a marketer, or by the end of the day in the blogwhirrled, this phenomenon will have a name, book deal, screenplay, an agent and a t-shirt that reads "I survived 010203040506". Enjoy!

Losers and Quitters Edition

Delayed Response
Tom Delay says "It's time for me to go do something else,". Well, it appears I'm not the only unemployed pain in the ass on the block. Except that in my off time I don't have make amends with my God for being a greedy, unforgiving assturd. "I can do more on the outside of the House than I can on the inside right now" true enough Mr. Delay, but Homeland Security will eventually catch up with your ass. I wish you luck Mr. Delay, you probably don't need it as I'm sure being one of Bush's minions, you'll be flush with opportunity on the Dark side.

"You'll never get my blood, God curse you all"
Personally, I think Zacarias Moussaoui should have his blood removed one drop at a time, recycle it through tubing to induce a bloody form of Chinese Water Torture, good times. I'm pretty certain this bitch doesn't care if he dies considering the direction of his career path when he was arrested. And um..Moussaoui, God did curse us, with selfish zealots like yourself, now zip it. Oh yeah and a message from Allah, "Ooops." at which time he turned away from you to watch NOVA on PBS.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

"So long, and thanks for all the fish" - Douglas Adams

That's the quote I put on the "store closed" signs. People would pass by the store while we were busy packing up books and we'd hear "I didn't know they sold fish, I thought they were a bookstore." Well, actually, a few years back, we did sell those damn singing fish things, not an easy thing to up-sell with Chaucer. The singing bass were a strategic faux pas that left many of the book buying public with an item for their next eBay auction. Oh, well, it's business and you've got to try anything once. Liberals have been saying that for years, and like the liberals, retail is struggling to pave a new path and is not really accomplishing anything but unemployment. Despite what "they" want you to believe, the economy is not in recovery, it's just adjusting to the "Big Box" mentality; careful what you wish for people, it's coming.

The past few weeks were kind of like the perennial movie favorite "You've got mail" except that it was my own Company that decided to move their "superstore" in on my turf and when you relocate a "superstore" across from across the street, you can assume they already have a staff and won't need you or any but two of your current employees. It sounds tragic and unfair, but it makes good business sense; that is not to say I wasn't without moments of resentment or the bitter commentary that would spew forth when someone would enquire about the situation, but for the most part, I kept my head high and did my very best at keeping the morale high within the store. At best, it was my morale that was tested on a daily basis as the new "superstore" was being built directly across from me and once they took the "Coming Soon" facade down, I saw the for the first time the direction the company was going; high tech, open space for the reading public to sprawl out and read books and magazines. If they're lucky these poaching readers will eventually buy something.

Closing a store that has been open for 21 years (of which I've been there almost 11 years) is no easy task. We were there at 7 a.m. until 5 or 6 p.m. daily this past week and every bone in my body wants to go on strike. Every day was loaded with physically hard work topped with a mass of emotions. Fellow store managers and colleagues came to help shut down a beloved store, once a top performer and in following years, once the two big superstores and two fucking Wal Marts opened, the top performance fell way to fleeting moments of greatness. Customers brought boxes of chocolate and Suzy Q's (It was hard to share, heh). They came by to say goodbye, they cried, I cried, and my employees cried. The days usually ended with a couple of us going for drinks, crying and then off to home where I'd pass out until the alarm clock rang at 6 a.m. one more time.

My District Manager had been very supportive, bringing doughnuts and feeding the masses showing loads of compassion when she wasn't crying herself. She ended the week for me with a nice dinner party at her house with gifts and attempts at reminiscing, but we were all emotionally and physically spent, so mostly we stared at each other with open mouths and drool dripping into our Margaritas. Yesterday I felt hungover from everything that went down this past week and it seemed my waking hours were devoted to watching King Kong the long ass movie it is. Oh yeah, the monkey dies and I couldn't cry, the tears were gone. Sorry Kong.

The face of retail is changing so rapidly. It's bigger and better and I can't say I dig the "Big Box" stylings of the new retail; it lacks compassion, customer service or any amount of charm. God willing, I won't have to work in it ever again. I've done 23 years of it and thankfully it was all in the book industry, where I hope to stay, but on the other side of it. I took a great deal of pride in my job, selling the works of others, meeting some terrific people, brilliant and not so brilliant authors and having access to millions of books for my own education of sorts. I truly loved my job and now it's gone.

My future job prospects are good. Fortunately for myself, I've managed to suspend my anti-social behavior long enough to network with fabulous folks within the industry and if things work out, you'll see me blogging about books in the near future (fingers crossed). Gone are the days of long term employment. Eighteen years with one company is almost unheard of these days and in the grand scheme of it all, they were a good company to work for. Sure, I could bitch about the company until I was blue in the face, but that is the nature of the beast, never quite biting the hand that fed you, but nibbling at the insanity that is big business. Ah...the futility of it all.

The little book store that could is closed for business. I've battled every possible retail warfare probability and kept it alive for as long as I could, but in the end, it was ultimately my own company that said the time has come to stop fighting and concede to consolidation; goodbye to "small" and hello to "SUPER". I leave with more insight and more friends then I could ever dream of having, it's been a good run. Nothing lasts forever, hello to the future, I thought you'd come tomorrow, tomorrow being today, which was yesterday's next day, and the time change, yowza, wtf....um... Anyhoo, the future is every second you take a breath. What you do while you're breathing is entirely up to you and right now, I've got to finish up sorting through the boxes of memories from the store and prepare for the next minute, where ever that may take me.