Seattle's Gay Pride event You Tubbin' it. [via Slog]
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"Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change."
-Confucius

Sleater-Kinney to go on "indefinite hiatus", Ch-ch-ch-changes.
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Barbara Walters is pissed.
"Walters announced that Star would no longer be permitted to appear on the show -- effective immediately -- after Star strayed from script during an exit that's turned ugly."

Note: I just watched the opening of the View and BAM! Babs was restrained, but boy oh boy, she had the tone of a scolding, disappointed parent. Dayum.
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Huffpo blogger Russell Shaw on Fred Phelps'group Gods Hates Fags visit to Portland.

Some months or years from now, an EMT will wake up next to his loving husband. They will kiss goodbye for the morning, and the EMT will drive to work.

Some months or years from now, a Registered Nurse will wake up next to her loving wife. They will kiss goodbye for the morning, and the RN will drive to work.

Three hours later, the EMT will get a call that someone has fallen ill and needs an ambulance. She who has fallen ill will be one of the members of God Hates Fags.

It's like Crash for the Gays. Righteous.

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A Day in the Life of Tom Cruise
... with my apologies

05.00 Awakens from nightmare about L Ron Hubbard unzipping his skin only to find Xenu underneath

05.01 Removes hand from Katie's womb, having kept it safe from potential womb-stealers all night

05.08 Takes vial of Katie's blood to check her for post-partum or other depression medications

05.17 Kicks Katie out of bed and tells her to make breakfast

06.02 Finally drags ass out of bed, brushes gums and glues in dentures

06.05 Takes morning whiz, leaves it to mellow

06.13 Sits down at table, smiles at Katie and Bag of Sugar Dressed up as Baby Suri™

[c'mon, you mean to tell me you don't have any doubts as to whether she exists?]
[via and read the rest @ Infinitely Pie]

I knew that this year would be a big year of change for myself, but I didn't think half the world would be following in my clunky Chuck Taylor shaped footsteps.

No more Katie Couric overly optimistic Cheshire smiles during the Today Show. No more Viera keeping the troops in line on the View. Dan Rather finally cut the cord. The West Wing once made us wish President Bartlett was our real president and then dangled Jimmy Schmits as President Santos as a final reminder that our President is so very unlikable and creepy. Will & Grace ended with probably the best series finale ever and fortunately will live forever in reruns.

With change comes more change: Star Jones Reynolds is also leaving the View stating that " her contract was not renewed" and adding "I feel like I was fired."" We can only hope they do the same with the annoying Elizabeth Hassleback, maybe Rosie will sit on her and smother the tart tongued ignorant bitch.
[more@Defamer]

Author J.K. Rowling likes the change and likes to tease the living shit out of us telling us that two characters will die in the last book.

Proving you don't have to be beautiful to save the world Microsoft's Bill Gates tires of hearing about Brangelina saving the world and quits his day job, uses his fortune and takes Warren Buffet's donated billions and saves the world. By far the best change ever. Classy move.

And finally the worst change ever - my own mid-life sweat sessions. They call it perimenopause, I call it a cruel joke. Sure, lots of folk like to sit in saunas to release the evil toxins within, but that's by choice. I on the other hand can be sitting quietly do absolutely nothing when WHOooooOOooOSH I start the sweatfest, left to sit in a puddle of my former self (sexy). I could blame it on our weather here in the Great Northwest (it's fucking hot!), but, I know the truth - it's "the change". As if I needed more of that.

"If you muscle your way past the gag reflex, all kinds of food possibilities open up"

Trailers
[via]

When Government works:
HOUSE CONCURRENT RESOLUTION NO. 29
HCR029....................................................by WAYS AND MEANS
NAPOLEON DYNAMITE - Stating findings of the Legislature and commending
Jared and Jerusha Hess and the City of Preston for the production of the
movie "Napoleon Dynamite."
[via]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The flag should never have placed upon it, nor on any part of it, nor attached to it any mark, insignia, letter, word, figure, design, picture, or drawing of any nature."

[via]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ann Coulter: "Don’t put up someone I am not allowed to respond to without questioning the authenticity of their grief."

Alrighty then...

Newsweek interview, thanks Newsweek...arrrrrrr!
"It was Depp's desire to make a movie for his kids that led him to "Pirates." In a visit to the Disney lot about five years ago, he mentioned to studio chairman Dick Cook that he'd been watching a lot of Disney movies with his daughter, loved them and was hoping to voice a character in a Pixar movie. Cook mentioned that the studio was developing a movie based on the theme-park ride "Pirates of the Caribbean." "And he got very excited," Cook recalls. "He said, 'Like a real pirate movie? With swords?' And I said, 'Yeah—with swords.' And he said, 'I'm in'."

The last out of the game belonged to Barry Bonds. Swing. Miss. Ooops, sorry all about it.

I didn't "boo" Barry Bonds like a few thousand others did each time he came to bat. I had no real reason to dislike him - I don't know him. I know what I've read and he sounds like a supreme asshole, but to be fair there are far worse assholes out there. Celebrate the asshole people. Without assholes we'd have no way to expel the evil toxins that build up in our bodies.

So, I was thinking that when people see the human equivalent to an asshole, they boo and hiss. This got me to thinking that perhaps when these people are at home, sitting on the porcelain God's face, do they boo and hiss whilst dumping the kids at the pool?

"Grunt."
Plop.
"Boo."

My imagination can get the best of me sometimes.

The fact is is that I finally went to a Mariners game that they won! As a matter of fact they swept San Francisco under the carpet and I enjoyed it immensely. Not because I got to see Bonds falter...no one goes in pursuit of seeking failure, but because, I hadn't been to a game that they M's had won yet and no fan can tolerate that kind of rejection as a constant. The M's were quickly becoming the turd that wouldn't drop into the toilet. The turd finally dropped (whew) and the division is anyone's guess at this point in the season.

Barry Bonds was reviled and revered, all in the same at-bat Friday night. The Mariners through the weekend produced pennant-race-quality starting pitching. And by the final out Sunday, it was rumored that Mariners reliever J.J. Putz, and not the federal government, ex-wives, former girlfriends or current lawyers, owns Bonds.

Putz didn't own Bonds as much as he cashed in Bonds for some pocket change. Cha-ching!

"Reviled and revered", Bonds is the Ann Coulter of the sports world, an asshole. I haven't jumped on the I hate Coulter bandwagon (this time) because it's just easier to hand people that I don't agree with a moist towelette for their chapped assitude. It's a nice and more productive approach than wasting energy raging on the likes of the assholes in the world. Remember this - assholes are all muscle. So, perhaps instead of moist towelettes, you can cause harm with a coarse paper towel, if that's what you wish.

God, I LOVE baseball.

A Love Letter from Henry Rollins:

[via]

Well, we survived the end of times, again. But, according to my sassy Siamese Sophie, Satan was visiting and she wouldn't have any of that! I live on the ground floor of a nice little apartment complex, poolside, with plush grounds, so occasionally I'll have kids play just outside my patio, not a problem, signs of life are encouraged. Both my cats watch people all day and seem to be unaffected by the sounds of "Marco!" - "Polo!" all fucking day long (not that I mind, really *poof* , yes - that was indeed my brain.) They don't seem to mind children futilely coming on to my patio to ask if they can pet my unsociable felines. Sometimes they accommodate them, most times not. The point is is that "the girls", as I affectionately call them, are not unlike myself...semi-social and don't mind the occasional rub from strangers from time to time.

Anyhoo, yesterday was a different story; all the sudden I heard this low grumbly sound and chalked it up to my upstairs neighbor vacuuming, but then I kept hearing it intermittently and I'm pretty sure vacuums don't hiss. I look to find that Sophie is in hunting stance, staring out at a neighbor's son-in-law who had been kicking around a ball with his daughter, they had been doing this the night before without any drama, but it was his daughter retrieving the ball from my patio then. Yesterday it was the man and Sophie didn't like him at all. She continued to growl and hiss as he kicked the ball back n' forth with his daughter.

I leave the sliding door open on nice days, just enough to let the cats roam in and out to their leisure. Unfortunately, this gave Sophie an opportunity to attack when the man tried to get the ball that had strayed, once again, to my patio. All the hair on Sophie's back was at attention and before I could shut the door, she ran out at the man, thwapted him and the ball, hissing and bitching the whole time. The man jumped back and said

"Sup! Dude! Sup wit dat cat? Da-yum."

"Oh, I don't know, wow (laughing@whitey 30-ish man down wit da youngin's streetspeak, yo and secretly wanting to create a pulley-device of some sort to hike the sorry bitches pants up above the ass-crack where they belong) sorry?"

I kicked the ball out to him, grabbed Sophie, knowing fully the risks involved with trying to restrain a pissed off Siamese, not an easy task to say the least. After putting said pissed kitty down, I closed the screen door, but she was relentless and continued to growl and hiss, practically climbing the screen to get to the bitch, she was gonna tag his ass no matter what the obstacle. Finally, after a few more minutes of the hissing, growling and catterwallin', the man, apparently intimidated by the feline fuss, just picked up the ball and went back into my neighbors apartment after which Sophie went into kitty triumph mode by clawing the shit out of my chair, then plopping onto the ground in uber-relaxed kitty mode and started cleaning herself. Victory.

I've had Sophie for a number of years, she has been exposed to many people and usually whores herself to them (as long as they don't pick her up, heh) but she just didn't like this dude at all. I strongly believe that animals sense evil, perhaps Sophie did or perhaps it was a post traumatic stress incident from earlier in her life (she was adopted from a shelter at the age of two) I don't know. But what I do know is that I trust her instincts as much as I trust my own. Later in the day I took my garbage out to the dumpster and I saw the man at his car; I just kind of snickered at him as he refused any sort of eye contact (evil can be like that) and promptly followed it with a hiss and a growl. Sure, the guy might be thinking I'm a witch, I don't care, I have a killer kitty that's got his number.

I thought I would take a second, sit down and check out a few sites (I'm a blog whore like that) only to find out that the man often referred to as "the fifth Beatle" Mr. Billy Preston has passed away. Ironically, I have been listening to a disc of "Soul Hits" all afternoon which has the track of Nothing From Nothing. I can still remember when I saw him sing it on American Bandstand, I thought he was the dude and the song was and is the coolest song and still do. I saw Preston perform with Clapton in the 80's, it was magic. Recently, I saw him in St. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club

Cheesey good times. And for the youngin's out there that aren't familiar with this great man here's a smidge of him singing George Harrison's My Sweet Lord:

Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'
You gotta have somethin' if you wanna be with me
Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'
You gotta have somethin' if you wanna be with me

I'm not tryin' to be your hero
'Cause that zero is too cold for me, Brrr
I'm not tryin' to be your highness
'Cause that minus is too low to see, yeah

Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'
And I'm not stuffin', believe you me
Don't you remember I told ya
I'm a soldier in the war on poverty, yeah
Yes, I am

May he rest in peace.

If shitty dreams are a sign of the beginning of the apocalypse, then it has begun. My sleep has been restless lately, I hate that. Perhaps it's because I put a deadline on all those things I'd said I get done once I wasn't working, that I haven't got done. In a fit of tossing and turning I somehow managed to sneak a dream, I'm sure there were many dreams but this one was particularly heinous. Let's just say that I'm making out with a very cute guy and then I shit my pants. I won't go into any of the clean-up details or the humiliation trying to find clean clothes, but needless to say, I woke up in a bad mood - ack.


More product @ Don't blame me I voted for Kerry.

Before I get back to getting stuff done Washington State has a rash on their collective asses and it's called Tim Eyman. This man's God complex is getting out of control:

OLYMPIA - Tim Eyman, in a stunt that was not wholly unexpected, arrived at the state elections division building Monday dressed as Darth Vader and wielding a plastic light saber. Missing were the petitions full of signatures in support of an effort to overturn the state's new gay civil-rights law.

A force to be reckoned with? No. The man is an hateful annoyance, a stinky queef biscut and that light saber isn't foolin' anyone.

And finally, Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore...

"The time is 1913, with the specter of the First World War about to descend upon Europe. The place is a resort hotel on the Franco-Swiss border. Three very different women meet there by chance and discover that they have something in common: each of them experienced a major turning point in their past that changed them forever, a cataclysmic event that triggered their sexual awakening, and they need to share these experiences with each other, both in telling and experiencing, in order to come to terms with them, in order to heal and move on, even with the world around them about to erupt into the first great war of the Twentieth Century.

If this wasn't already heady enough, the women are figures we already know: Lady Alice, the silver-haired aristocrat with a long history of scandal behind her, is Alice from Lewis Carroll's books "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." Wendy Potter, respectable wife of a staid middle-aged businessman, is Wendy from J.M. Barrie's "Peter Pan." And Dorothy Gale, the free-spirited young American tourist seeing Europe for the first time, is the heroine from L. Frank Baum's "The Wizard of Oz." The books are the stories that changed these women's lives, reinterpreted through the prism of sex, where the original stories themselves become subtle metaphors for sexual awakening."

[Link and Eyman photo via Slog]

"If you're a parent hoping to break your little boy or girl into movie acting, start by asking yourself the following questions: Does my child look at all like evil incarnate?" [Apply Within]

Boom shaka laka laka- - - - -0

"The Gods Must Be Crazy" Paris Hilton's new single "The Stars Are Blind" is oot & aboot. We listened to it and to be kind it doesn't suck, but, blood and gray matter shot from both ears.

bowmp pada bowmp bowmp - - - - - >>>>>>>>>>>

"A sex toy ban has already happened in Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi, and Texas. South Carolina could be next on that list."

Try as they might, you just cannot legislate fiddling the diddle.

"What's worse is that Davenport readily admits that he doesn't know what a sex toy is - yet he wants them banned."

It's like prohibition - it won't work, human beings are entirely too resourceful.

Zoinks dada doinks- - - - - 0

Evolution be damned: The Monkey Chow Diet Could it sound more yum?
Dumbass.
[via Freakonomics]

-_-_\\\\\\>0<//////_-_-

I am determined to get a couple of projects finished this week so if you don't see me, you - um...don't see me. With that said I leave you with The Humor because we've done The Horror, although scary, you can't deny it was amusing.

"I wanted to say something about the Umberto Eco quote that was used earlier from The Name of the Rose. That book fascinated me because in it these people are killed for trying to get out of this library a book about comedy, Aristotle's Commentary on Comedy. And what's interesting to me is one of the arguments they have in the book is that comedy is bad because nowhere in the New Testament does it say that Jesus laughed. It says Jesus wept, but never did he laugh.

But, I don't think you actually have to say it for us to imagine Jesus laughing. In the famous episode where there's a storm on the lake, and the fishermen are out there. And they see Jesus on the shore, and Jesus walks across the stormy waters to the boat. And St. Peter thinks, "I can do this. I can do this. He keeps telling us to have faith and we can do anything. I can do this." So he steps out of the boat and he walks for-I don't know, it doesn't say-a few feet, without sinking into the waves. But then he looks down, and he sees how stormy the seas are. He loses his faith and he begins to sink. And Jesus hot-foots it over and pulls him from the waves and says, "Oh you of little faith." I can't imagine Jesus wasn't suppressing a laugh. How hilarious must it have been to watch Peter-like Wile E. Coyote-take three steps on the water and then sink into the waves." - Stephen Colbert's 2006 Knox College Commencement Address

Read the full transcript here.
[via DailyKos]

Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow is a "Scallywag" and I'm here to tell you that I wouldn't be adverse to being scallied or wagged by him! With that said, The Pirates Of the Caribbean: Dead Mans Chest website is up and working. It's a game and once you've found all the required "plunder" you can get into Davey Jones' locker and check out his booty, what you find in his booty, is your business. It's a fun site...so, click to yer hearts content. I tried clicking Depp's clothes off, it didn't work. Arrrrrr.
[link via Disney Blog]

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Cubicle Pirate Scott Adams:

Pragmatic Party
I often fantasize about how I would fix everything if I were President. My fantasy is unfazed by the fact that the voting public is not keen on candidates that are unqualified, unattractive, godless, and morally bankrupt.

In my fantasy I form what I call the Pragmatic Party. All of my policies would be based on what is most practical. I would accuse my opponents of basing their policies on superstition, i.e. the belief in supernatural beings. That's called framing the debate. It's also why I could never be elected. Well, that plus the parts about being unattractive, unqualified, and morally bankrupt. I'd get a ding for those things too.

You need one Big Idea when you run for President. I would explain that our current system of government was conceived prior to the Internet, electronic mass media, and sophisticated polling methods. 200 years ago the only practical form of government involved voting for a small group of individuals that would pretend to represent you. Now we have better tools and we should use them. I would thus infer that my opponents are hole-pooping cavemen desperately clinging to the past. Again, thatÂ?s called framing the debate. I'd get lots of TV time because the media would consider me a loose cannon. They like that.
[read the rest]

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Arianna Huffington is a smart wench. First, she decides to attend the WSJ's "D: All Things Digital" conference. Secondly she takes John Cusack as a travel partner - wink, wink. Thirdly, she shares some tidbits of a conversation with the philanthropist-techno-uber-geek Bill Gates:

"YouTube: He's a fan, but if Microsoft was doing it they'd be facing endless copyright and licensing problems." (not to mention it would frequently crash)
and...
"Clippy (Microsoft Word's much-reviled paperclip assistant): Dead."

Long live Clippy! The little bitch.

Clippy Fan Fiction:

I was walking down the street when I thought I spotted him. It was just a small glimmer in the noontime sun, and it could have been anything. I had a feeling, though, that it was him.

I got a little closer and saw that I was not mistaken. Right there in front of me, looking a bit run down, sporting a bit of stubble, showing signs of rust, and sleeping in a puddle of his own urine was none other than Clippy: the paper clip assistant made (in)famous by Microsoft Word. [read the rest]