Spew It Forward!

Sophie took a walk

2009-10-07T18:45:00.000-07:00

A couple days back I was decorating my porch with Halloween matter when Sophie, a mixed Siamese with the vocal cords to prove it, followed me out to the front porch while I hung a garland a fake autumn leaves (nothing screams "harvest" like plastic). I kept on eye on her and she just sat there gazing down the stairwell. I continued with the festive decorations, a pumpkin here, witch there and checked on her throughout the afternoon. At one point I noticed she hadn’t even laid in the sunny patch and watched her look at me then at the stairs, I gave her a scolding look and said "don't even think about it Ms. Hairball!" and put some flowers in a plastic pumpkin head. Neighbors came and went which typically sent her running back into the house but she sat there unmoved and stoically staring down the staircase.

It was a beautiful fall day and I got a lot done, the home was decorated with plastic autumnal frivolities and I settled in for the evening when I realized she never came back in. No loud demands of "canned food now, bitches - no, no...The other can". No sounds of kitty horking. I searched that night, the next two days, asked neighbors the usual "lost animal" tricks - she's gone. She was sick, old, weak, tired and hadn't touch food the two days prior to her leaving. I'm thinking she just went off to die. She had that look in her eyes - "stairs be damned bitch, I'm tired and I am gone!” they say animals do that, the selfish little beasts.

She was never a cuddly cat. She had a raised spine rendering her unable to jump high or land gracefully like other cats. We didn't even like each other for the first year or so after she came to live in my home. She was "rescue" kitty, having just given birth, angry & scared with a guesstimated age of 2 years or so...heavy on the "or so" with a chip on her shoulder. Always having been an outdoor cat she brought home gifts of dead birds and shrews into the house, some say tokens of love, I say meat, this horrified the indoor cat sensibilities of Ruby who I can only imagine thought..."that did NOT come from a bag!" She shredded the furniture, the walls, books, Ruby and me. She once brought a new roll of paper towels into the living, looked at me and then proceeded to rip the shit out it in a very Soprano's veiled threat kind of way. She was intimidating to say the least.

I don't know the exact time we silently agreed to cohabitate civilly, but we got into a groove; she tolerated the smoking, the parties, floods, moving - twice within a year and the intermittent parade of insignificant others and I learned to patch up my furniture, Ruby and buy band-aids regularly. She had a pampered life, beds, toys, steady supply of catnip and I happily obliged her and as long as no blood was shed things were good.

The past few months were hard on her, I bathed her, brushed her, clipped her nails, the very nails that once punctured a vein after a "you don't own me, bitch" thwapt to my wrist and blood spurted wildly all over clean laundry for what seemed like hours. I've been cleaning up endless piles of puke, near misses and no so near misses by the cat box. She had recently stopped chasing bugs, playing, refused catnip and replaced it with sad howling. It broke my heart and keeping her alive was extraordinarily selfish of me so I decided that I was going to have her put down this week. Well, she obviously had other plans and decided to take matters into her own umm...paws and took a walk instead.

She will be missed and I have the love shaped scars to prove it.

Dear Oprah and Obama I'm Nickeled and Dimed to death and all I want is to smile

2009-09-18T21:13:00.000-07:00

1) Do NOT download any crap associated with facebook hoopla's that included a free search tool. They introduce viruses to your computer. I know this because I am currently combatting a gazillion virues, some trojon, some not, that are directly related to "my search" and "fast search" that "My Tattoo" bullshit brought most of this on. I've got my own fucking tattoo's on my person - like them, love them really and I don't need cyber tattoo's, thanks but no thanks. Pay attention to the shit that facebook is affiliated with and don't download ANYTHING that will compromise your computer - period! I didn't want the search bar, I tried to reneg on it when I accidentally downloaded it and now it's chewing the f'n soul out of my computer.

2) Personal scheduling - OMFG, this, that and wtf-ever. Jesus Merry blet blah bloop! I haven't had two consecutive days off in weeks and I'm cracking. I've had a inventory that lasted until 4 in the morning last Sunday...a twelve hour+ day! Woo! I'm trying to schedule a Kiosk opening a double VP visit and I've got a store to make fanfuckingtasitic for the visit, open the Kiosk, train the peeps, accomodate the VIP's the following day, appease the new hires scheduling needs and....rock the usual standards I expect from my employeess.

I'm fucking pissed at the world right now - My heart is weary.

wtf is going on???????????????????? Oprah or Obama can't fix this shit???? Help cuz I'm done.

Happy Feat

2008-08-05T23:34:00.000-07:00

So, I helped in opening one of the prettiest bookstores in the Northwest, a bookstore so pretty that it has a name "concept" (original, no?), right smack dab in the middle of the future of what a bookstore should be....in the future...or um..the present - now, I'm there sniffing the carpet glue whilst I toss aboot product.

We're a digital society and like any good capitalists my company honed in on the hottest of trends; we the people are completely ravaged by our addiction of being in the "now", oh boy...dare I say it...."real time", (email, texting, paging, damn it, we need you now, life as we know it will collapse without an immediate response society.) All other time as we currently measure the fire globe, before this point in um..time, was only relative (did your head explode? mine did days ago...I'm making potpourri) needless to say you can download crap at my new store, you can buy shit to upload more shit, you can buy this thing that will bring you cable shows at the North Pole! Books, yep..lots and hell, you can upload books to your ereader. Here we are in the now and I got a sexy bookstore that wreaks of NOW. With that comes glitches that abound, things break, the sexiness factor has become a needy girl/boyfriend, one that needs validation every fucking second you're in the same vacinity, oy. It's been a trial to say the least, but still...it's hot and amazing and really fuckin' cool and I'm there. Nice.

This store won't be for all folk, but that's how we humans roll, no? We all like different things, I for one am constantly amazed by beautiful shiny things and that's what this store is and I'm proud to be part of it. That aside, things are still in the organizational phase and things are overlooked, so when I turned to give the GM a report, I was greeted by a dolly (left behind from a delivery moments before) and um...twisted and contorted my body in ways it has never known (at least that I will admit to without a yoga teacher present)anyhoo, I did the great cartoon dance of '08, you could almost hear the bloopy cartoon music. I looked at my GM while doing the death dance and I thought to myself, "fuck. it." and fell all the while I still held her gaze and then like some fearless animated creature I bounced like a fucking Tigger, I'm a human f'n marvel, so watch yer orange and black ass Tigger, this cat would dig your paycheck, wink, wink.

Miraculously I'm just sore...shit happens and do note that I willingly acknowledge my shortcomings (cough *no grace* cough) even before I know I have them and well, I am far from graceful by any measure, but damn it I'll put on a f'n show for ratings (I got "10's across the board) I did and now I'm sore and here we are...in the future when minutes ago it was only speculation. I'm exhausted, but, I see a light...oh my. ;)

Good Night :)

Theresa
Operations Manager, LOL!!!

Um...

;)

If your in the Seattle are come to largest mall in the state (shoot me) and check out the store. :)

Share where? Here.

2008-05-20T22:31:00.000-07:00

Okay, things I'm digging currently, tis cool to share:

The Kills - I totally missed the Seattle show, I so suck, they so fucking rock!!!!
"I want you to be crazy baby, cuz you're stupid when your sane" right on.

It's like X frosted with the Pixies, with a splash of the White Stripes, a dash of Sonic Youth...oh furk, they need no comparison, they ate my rock n' roll soul, chewed it and spit it out and I love them all the more for it. Music lust. LOVE THEM!

John From Cincinatti - An HBO series so amazingly smart and thoughtful my mind exploded with every episode when I watched the first run on HBO. Surf's up folks and my father says it's all good. "See God Kai" and we'll never know if she does because the suits at HBO didn't have the balls to continue on with it (fuckwits). It was indeed cancelled, pissshitfuckdayum.com, buy the DVD and tweak out yer mind. It's full on amazing and weird, just how I like it.

Boomsday - Christopher Buckley rocked me with this book. Social Security reform, anarchy, politics...farce abounds. Satire forever. Read it.

Alrighty, that is all...Hillary won Kentucky, Obama won Oregon...it's cool like that. ooooooooooooooo, look at me posting two days in a row...*sigh*

Write on with the diddly

2008-05-19T18:35:00.000-07:00

Maintaining a blog can be about as fun as reading a blog that never posts diddlysquat.

Diddlysquat, I believe that it was George Carlin who asked, "What exactly is diddlysquat?” Well, I'm here to tell you. Diddlysquat is everything, but it don't mean diddly. And when you diddle, not to say that all things diddle, but they do, does it mean squat?

Yes, everything is everything. With that said (a supreme line of bullshit indeed) you will see that I neglect to write regularly. I lack many things in life but mostly I lack willpower and discipline. Sure, under the right circumstance or situation I'm a devilish hoot, but I try like hell to be less hootie and more blowfish....er....um...perhaps not blowfish, but you get the drift, I've got this human thing going on and I'm fallible and lazy.

Art has always been a more tactile experience for me, that is until I started writing, blurbing, schmurbing, blogging...and then it stopped. Many friends and family asked why, I said I was lazy, tired, spent and I was but everything and others words and perceptions brought me back here and I know I have to write on. So, forgive my lazy ass (like a lazy eye, but without the patch). I will come to terms with the will to write and practice the discipline it takes write stuff, diddlysquat and assorted other babble, if not for myself, then for the abyss of the web and its assorted and loverly residents.

It may not make sense, but I think I know what I'm doing, kind of.

A New Hope

2008-05-08T20:23:00.000-07:00

In the historical footnotes of life you will, at this juncture of our political existence, find the persevering message of "hope". You know what hope is, right? It's that ache of anticipation residing deep within your belly whenever something good or bad is about to happen. It's going to happen, with or without you. So it is suggested that you suck it up and deal. Swell.

This blog, me, moi, and the assorted other personalities that reside within my psyche are supporting Senator Barack Obama for President of these pretty and ever so purple United States Of America. Why? It's not the color of his skin, skin color has never had any influence on any decision that I have made in this life; however, it is the senators' ballsy message of "hope" - audacious indeed.

The war has worn us down, the economy rips at what's left in our wallets, and the status quo in D.C. (the vitriolic bullshit that is American politics) has worn us the fuck out. Blah to it all.

Hope. It's what we feel when we awake every day. First and foremost, we hope that we wake up and when we do how fucking lucky are we? Very lucky. Hope is all we have ever really have had in this life on the spinning rock. Nothing, I repeat, NOTHING is a given and we take it for granted every day; we bitch, we moan in pleasure in pain, we ignore the realities of the inevitable (death, or so they say and we all know about "they", ahem.). We are so arrogant in our thought processes. Hope, it's all we got. Sure, love is all we need, but it's hope that spurns the process of loving, acceptance and tolerance.

I sat on the fence for some time being a feminazigirliethang. I wanted Hillary to be the answer to all the ills of our world, but it ended up being politics as usual and that left a nasty taste in my mouth. Notice to politicians: It has been said that eating pineapple reduces the unsavory taste of nasty political spunk. Try it, as I find it hard enough to swallow that we are one nation under God, when I believe that we are one world under the cosmos (the concept of one God is super fantastic, but a few atoms got in the way) and that all acts of the positive nature will see us through the unknown.

It is not about a black man and a woman (finally, after all this fucking time) it's about a positive message, it is about leadership with a positive effect, and not about who'll answer the fucking phone at 3 a.m. Sweet Mary.

Get down with your purple self and be real about what matters and what truly matters is the message of the promise of a hopeful new day.

Hope: it's all we got. Vote Barack Obama this fall, or not. Again as I've always muttered, the choice is yours. Just see outside of your current reality and touch, smell, and live what is our one saving grace, and that is HOPE. Dig?

Change - d again

2008-05-02T10:44:00.000-07:00

"Be the change you want to see in the world" - Gandhi,

Okay, I can be the change I want to see in the world. That is if change would be so kind as to cut me some slack for just a fricken’ minute so that I can process and proceed. I have no choice but to allow change to form the future course of life as I thought I knew it to be. I'm changes bitch. Ugh.

Change in my life is not unlike loose change that you can find in your pocket, on your dresser, and at the bottom of your purse (or “man-bag," if you will). If I could only bottle all the loose change lying around I’d be rich, but at this moment it is scattered about wreaking havoc on my floor, my washing machine and growing hair on the bottom of a water-logged red leather purse. I want to be rich; I just can’t gather all the change and make a dollar or any sense of it all. I self medicate and supplement it with a dollop of pharmaceutical aid courtesy of the the gynecologist who, with her hand up my girlie unit, divulged that if I didn't chill out soon I'd have a heart attack. Golly.

Water changed the course of my life recently. The hot water hose connected to the washer in the apartment that I never fully moved into decided to Katrina the living shit out of my belongings as I labored away for 12 hours for a thankless, soul-less, burned out troll. It was on that day that water made the bold decision to make changes for me. It decided what was to be gone from life, and it decided I had to move – again. I still don’t know what I have left of the past but I know the future doesn’t have room for it.

As the year has passed the new job has mutated into just "the job" and as the corporate leadership mafia reevaluates the nature of changes within the industry and the economy our evil boss has opted to step down. A self demotion before those of the "they" the very "they" of the "they just don't understand" ilk that we are so accustomed to blaming all-that-is-wrong in the book business on; those of “they” who convey the change we resist, decided to step her right the fuck out of the store. Karma has a play date with change – News at 11. I won’t go into details, but with this change brings more change - another new direction out of my control - but exciting nonetheless.

My body has changed, for the better. Oddly, a diet of stress garnished with Xanax, Zoloft, beer and other assorted carbohydrate combinations eaten on-the-fly while I attempted to corral the constant irrational change at work has attributed to a waistline long forgotten. It was change that brought on the belly and change that tames it now.

The political world has embraced a woman and a black man as candidates for the Presidency – Holy fucking change up the ying-yang Batman! This is a change long time coming and it’s beautiful. It changes how we see and discuss our ever changing future and we’re looking at issues we haven’t had the balls to address without protest or riot in as many years as I’ve been alive.

Change is life as we know it, we only deceive ourselves by grasping onto routines and subjective acts of normalcy and calling it all good while underlying factors melt our realities. Fuck change. Embrace change. Change has fucked me in the ass time and time again and like the President before me I couldn't - or rather wouldn't - support an exit strategy and admit failure to comprehend all the change. Change is nothing more than the reaction to an action and boy is my ass sore but apparently ready to take on more. Ummm.....twisted and demented analogy, indeed. The good news is that I'm writing again and hopefully I will continue to do as such as I want to be the change that I expect to see in the world. I mean, why the fuck not?

I'm back, miss me much? ;)

Imagine..

2007-09-03T10:18:00.000-07:00

"...a version of Studio 54 where Jane Austen, wearing nothing but gold panties, vomits all over Harold Bloom’s shoes while infomercials for debut novels flash on the walls."

I believe somebody has been snooping into my dream journal again. ;)

Spew It Forward Miss South Carolina Style

2007-08-29T00:03:00.000-07:00

"I believe that children are the future...teach them well and let them lead the way..." OR not..yikes.

Alrighty then, to be fair I was once interviewed by the local media when the sequel to "Gone With Wind" came out....and you know what? It sounded exactly like what Miss South Carolina said, I may even have had an Osama reference as well, sure it was 1995, but wtf, I think I was speaking in tongues that day (much to the dismay of the reporter). Shit happens, but holymudderofgawd, that girl sounded like Britney Speares hashing out current events whilst imbibing the fuck out of a Jager bottle.

It's late and again I apologize for not updating this more often as Bush's baked beans seem to dropping like flies. Bush's brain, gone. Gonzales made a not so speedy exit. It's a pathetic state of government. Yes, things are happening as they should, perhaps a bit too late, but shit is going down!

My job, well, I love the job, can't say the same for the state of the company or the General Manager (straight up evil, bi-polar and downright CRUEL) I won't go into details as I'd like to keep the job and I'm being trained to be a General Manager (taking over for evil, it can only go up from here), but um...fuckmewithagoddamned fork! This job is truly testing my will to continue working (checks MegaMillions ticket, *shakes head*). 7 months in my new home and I've still got boxes that need unpacking because I work 50 - 60+ hours a week, every week (I'm a manager and I'm managing to wither, mostly). "Your lucky, I could schedule you 56 hours a week like some GM's" spake evil.

Oh really?

Some days, I think if I say or do the right thing I'll get a promotion to Vice President of Whatchamacallits, it's what my company is doing at present, relieving stores of "full timers" and promoting every Tom, Dick and Harry to VP status, it's truly unfucking believable, dissent is as rampant as is the rash on my blistered and weary ass. I said I'd give it a year and I've been working closely with the DM and HR to alieve some of the irrational happenings and bullshit (not an easy position and unlikely to be found in the Kama Sutra), but Jesus H....it's been difficult. Whatever...I'm following my bliss(ter?)...right? Ugh.

So anyhoo, Miss South Carolina, you sounded like a complete fucking moron, not to worry, the President sounds that way most days and I too have babbled shit like that...you know...South Africa n' shit, education and Osama. You'll get recognition and many a Google hit and as for me, I'll get another IRS audit for judging the uber pathetic excuse for a commander of chief (the bitch still doth suck...BONG! Another $1000 to the IRS...mmmkay..), I'll get retribution from evil GM for saying she's twisted and evil. I'm just straight up fucked, God Bless Americanz and um ...South America, education and um Osama...like, I'm hungry...what?...does this dress make me look like a prom queen? No? My ass is fat? Somebody put a fucking tiara on my head now! Fuck.

Did any of this make sense? What the hoopy shmoopy ploopy!!!

Ritz, put on

2007-08-15T10:43:00.001-07:00

Young Frankenstein - look out New York. They've got a few little glitches to work out (the first half is a smidge lengthy)but the majority of the songs of fabulous. Megan Mulally is excellent, but whatever you do don't touch her or her tits. All the jokes are there, "what big knockers..." "Abby Normal"...Good Times! It won't be reviewed until it opens on Broadway, but I'm here to tell you that I laughed my somewhat ample ass off!

It's all good

2007-08-04T02:53:00.000-07:00

I'm sooooooooo tired. Shoot me, love the job, truly.

Hippo birdy two ewes.

;)

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows of what was fomerly known as my brain

2007-07-17T09:20:00.000-07:00

This is it, the last few days before the release of the final installment of the Harry Potter series. You don't have to "get it" you just have to experience it and come Saturday morning @ 12:01 a.m., If you reserved or preordered you can, if you didn't, fear not, I'm certain that Gas stations, Doctor's offices, Gun Shops and Women's apparel boutique's across the fricken' globe will carry the book. If you have a particularly large bowel movement that day, don't be surprised if you see the book in your toilet, after all, it's magic!

This is a huge event for the publishing industry and a monster event for me as I've never planned an event so large, my last few events were minuscule in comparison to the shindig happening this Friday. Needless to say I'm drooling and twitching a lot and I have be known to mutter (or shout, depending on the circumstance) that "I have a rash on my ass and it's shaped like Harry Potter."
Enjoy the festivities, be part of publishing history. *twitch*

"SERENITY NOW!!!!!!!!!!" - George Costanza

2007-07-10T21:59:00.000-07:00

It's so wrong when the President constantly flips us the bird and the fucking Vice President shoots at anything the he thinks is a bird. Kind of makes you wish a bird would just shit in their mouths so they'd get the freakin' bird flu and die.

Ummm...yeah.

Okay, I've thought about it and I've come to the realization that wishing death to Dubya and his "Dick" was rather harsh, so, I was thinking that once the bird flu set in the men could have develop a debilitating fever (achy and sweaty lil' motherfuggers..) and to top that off I was thinking that a hideous dose of the ass blistering won't-scab-over-for-days diarrhea would ravage their knotted and infected guts. Oh yes, the shitting would continue for hours. This shitbullets do not relent. So until and only until they apologize for their abuses of power and resign like the good lil' Nixon's the have the potential to be, the shitting will never cease.

Serenity now.

Tweet-tweet

Puttin' on the Ritz...

2007-07-10T08:45:00.000-07:00

Must see this show......

Amy Winehouse: The bitch doth rock!!

2007-06-21T21:26:00.000-07:00

Birthday Salutations

2007-05-03T08:14:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to me and a very Happy Un-birthday to you!! At my age, when I remove my bra upon returning home from a long day at work I say "release the hounds!" It's fun, you should try it.

The job is going well, it's a huge-ass job, but, I'm rocking that bitch and I'm finally able to sit upright for more than an hour when I get home and soon I can spew more regularly, lucky bitches. Peace out and have a loverly day!

2007-04-23T09:24:00.000-07:00

Whoops

2007-03-13T08:11:00.000-07:00

Don't you hate it when bloggers leave up their Christmas themed templates? Lord knows I do.

I'm not dead (way easier to type when one is indeed - alive).

I'll be back regularly soon, I've been holding it in and I'm almost ready to spew once more. ;)

Humpdayalooza

2007-01-24T05:43:00.000-08:00

"The great challenge which faces us is to assure that, in our society of big-ness, we do not strangle the voice of creativity, that the rules of the game do not come to overshadow its purpose, that the grand orchestration of society leaves ample room for the man who marches to the music of another drummer."

-Hubert H. Humphrey {1911-1978 US Vice President}

Snow, again. Trump spews, again.

2007-01-16T18:08:00.000-08:00

1. I hate snow. This has been the longest six inches has ever stuck around my home. Last Wednesday it snowed, a lot and six inches in three hours and then, this morning it snowed about three more inches just in time for the morning commute. I fell - twice. The bus slid around - twice. I gave up and came home and promptly napped. Sure, it can be pretty, but it's awful when it happens, we're a hilly area, many slopes, many hills, many roads closed. Ugh.

2. Donald Trump is a sad, pathetic, screeching and hysterical wannabe man. Give the bitch a Midol suppository, asap!

3. Time magazine naming "You" as person of the year was an awesome tribute to our cyber power, what little there is and then I saw some elitists media types scoffing at the very idea, there were more far important people and issues, apparently more important than "YOU" in their eyes. Need they forget, those elitist media types, that at any time, during any minute of any particular day that "they" are "me's", "him's", "her's" and a couple of "hey you's" and yes they too are "YOU's".

The first night of big snow, the next day, twilight a few days later and today, shoot me. :)

[I'm in the midst of a move and still working a lot, I'll be back...]

Full Moon Spew

2007-01-03T19:22:00.000-08:00

This is just a tip but if you're going to steal a cell phone from a kid at my local Park n' Ride, don't.

Some dude attempted this tonight, right as I was getting off my bus to await my next bus. It was all very exciting. I didn't see it happen, what I saw was the local police tossing some dude in the back of a squad car and then I turned to see if my bus was coming when I heard a muffled pop, pop, pop and um...pop. The cops were tazing the shit out of the dude and he still managed to get out of the car at which time 3 cops tackled the phone theif to the ground and tazed his sorry ass 4 more times. About 7 cop cars in all arrived to catch a theif, a theif that wanted to make a call, that, I assume, he never made. One thing is for sure, he will get one phone call later.

Full moons bring out the best in everyone. One of the cafe employee's didn't show for work this morning causing a massive chain reaction of pissed off bosses, pissed off employee's who had to cover for the offenders ass. My boss didn't even confront the little shit when he did arrive. On the other hand, after I was assaulted by a very pissed off customer for having to wait for her precious f'n mocha while the late employed continued his trend of lateness after his lunch, I ran behind the counter to take orders sot that the barista could make the drinks (all this during my lunch break which I was already 1/2 hour into)argh....dudes, I sell books, not Latte's, it was not good. I took the offending barista into the cafe office and asked him where, for the love of God, was his love for his job???

I listened to a massive line of bullshit and said straight up that I don't play games, when you fuck up...you let everyone down and then I made him read the note left by the pissed off customer and said "that's the last customer you'll ever piss off on my watch, if your going to work here, find some love for your job dude, or leave." He stared at the ground and promised never to mess up again and can I just say...I dig when air gets blown up my ass...no, really.

As the kid left when his shift was over, I walked up to him shook his hand, empathized with his school/work/family drama issues and said "find the love, dude. I'll see you tomorrow at what time?"

"7 a.m., I promise" he said.

Another blast of air in me bungholio.

And finally a note to those returning books after the holiday. Do note that we know how old the book is, bestsellers from 1985 just won't make the grade, or say Katherine Hepburn's autobiography in hardcover "but it's brand NEW!"...sure it was new when it came out 1991, perhaps the customer overslept, fuck if I know but that book stank of garage sale find "It's looks new, I'll return it for cash...without a receipt...yeah, that's the ticket!" Assholes. Three people tried this today, it was insane. Stop, please. Thanks.

Auld Lange Syne

2006-12-31T09:15:00.000-08:00

2006 was a year of epic change, exhausting on many levels and if there's one thing I learned to appreciate it was in fact the process of change, because it is the very essence of the human condition and that of the earths.

In the past month alone, change bitch slapped us daily; snow, monumental wind storms, knocking out power for days and for some weeks at a time, and some still don't have their cable back. Employees continued to quit at my new job in droves and finally..."the other manager" snapped completely and walked out the door two days before Christmas, interestingly enough, the employees who quit, left because they were treated like shit by "the other manager" and finally, when I wouldn't respond to her chronic verbal slams against myself, she snapped. When I got the call from my boss, I was told a story that blew my mind, basically, she was threatened by my very existence and felt I was given preferential treatment, mmmmhmmm, if working excessive hours and 6 days a week is preferential treatment somebody shoot me. Whatever, she's history and won't be missed. There is a level of optimism in that store that they haven't felt in a couple of years and I'm not saying that is due to me at all, sure I was an instigator for change, but all I did was act like a compassionate, albeit extraordinarily fallible person - in other words, I was myself and relied heavily on my own belief system of compassion, encouragement and education. I've still got a lot to learn, but it will be much easier without someone constantly slamming me. Asta la vista little miss angry pants. Best wishes to you and remember, there is one constant in life - change.

Yesterday, I lost my voice due to exhaustion which brought on a bout of bronchitis topped off with a sinus infection, gosh golly...my puffy eyes and scratchy voice make me feel sexy. I put the telly on cspan and watched for hours as a procession of mourners walked past President Fords casket, it helped me to sleep and relax, thanks Gerry! The night before, it was the hanging of that tyrant Saddam Hussein that put me to sleep and earlier in the week it was the news the James Brown had past that I reflected on as I slept. Hell, who needs Excedrin P.M. when you have death to rock you to sleep.

Today I go looking for a new abode, with what little energy I can muster. There will be no partying for this girl tonight, I will be resting, blowing my nose, coughing and eating vitamin C like m & m's. 2007 is going to be a great year of change, like every year before it and I look forward to it. I've got a terrific and supportive family and an amazing group of helpful and supportive friends, I couldn't ask for anything more, because I know I need them and they need me throughout the changes that life brings. Best wishes to you all and Happy New Year!!!!

Meme it forward!

2006-12-19T20:31:00.000-08:00

* Rules for this tag game are:
-Grab the closest book to you
-Open Page 123
-Scroll down to the 5th sentence
-Post the next 3 sentences on your blog
-Name the book and author
-Tag 3 people

"Atoms had been found to contain light negative electrons and, later, were found to contain a positively charged nucleus. This suggested that they might be tiny versions of the solar system, with planetary electrons in orbit around a nuclear sun. The notion gave rise to fantasises in which the electrons were indeed miniature planets."

The book: Alice in Quantumland

I know about as much about quantum physics as I do about birthin' babies, little to nothing...but I'm always willing to learn and the whole wonderland concept pulled me in like a black hole named...um...Bessie, I guess. ;) Cheers!

This meme has been around the block and back again, so I tag anyone who wants to play! Just leave me a comment and I'll read your efforts.;) Thanks and have a super night and a brilliant tomorrow.

Last Minute Christmas Shopping Tips

2006-12-18T20:33:00.000-08:00

Leave me alone. I jest. Kind of.

The storm contributed to mass drama today and the events following the storm lead to some angry mofo's shopping. But damn it all, you're not going to bring me down. Weather happens. Every damn day, Sometimes it's uneventful, others times it's monumental. Christmas happens every year on the same date - THE SAME DATE. So, when you get in your cars to go to the mall, relax and breathe, please don't get pissed at the customer service if they don't have what you want. It's the week before the holiday and if they don't have it, chances are they won't. But then again you know what day Christmas is, don't you?

If you have a coupon, read that sucker....READ IT!!!! It's all there in the print. Don't look for loopholes so you can take advantage that's tacky and gauche, so stop. If there's a limit, don't try to work you way around it. That would blow the mind of any seasonal or seasoned cashier. READ YOUR COUPONS, flyers and whatnots before you shop, it makes everything easier on everyone. Relax...breathe.

I won't talk down to you, if you don't talk down to me.

Smile. We're all in this together. Do you think the Wise Men went ballistic on the shopkeepers? "Give me some incense and myrrh, bitch. Now! I've been in this line for over twenty damn minutes and we've got this messiah to buy for, hurry or else!! Can we speak with a manager?"

"Sure, if you think the manager can pull some incense and myrrh out of their ass on demand, I will call the manager, just have some Purell handy, mmkay?"

Not wise, I'd say.

Tip: Calling for a manager just clogs the pipes, people. Careful what you wish for...muhahahah!

Kindness and patience wins out every time.

You're tired, I'm tired and it's all in the spirit of Christmas, which falls on December 25th every god blessed year. So relax. Honking your horn in heavy traffic rarely (if ever) gets you anywhere quicker than if you suck it up and roll with it. Don't be an annoying fucktard, just drive....relax, breathe. Stop with the honking, twitlips.

Watch out for pedestrians, you'll get where your going a lot quicker then they will, every time. One ton of inert metal vs. flesh and fucking blood. Gosh, who's gonna win out there? Remove thy head from thy ass when you are driving. It saves lives and that precious thing called time and we're all in a race against time and guess who always wins? Time goes on, we die, it's a fact of life, so relax...breathe and focus on what's going on around you.

Be kind and courteous and it comes back two-fold. If it doesn't, reflect on that shit, take two aspirin and call someone who gives shit and that knows you don't give a shit. Boohoo, suck it up, life goes on....Christmas or not.

Make the best of every situation, don't be an asshole, because I've got a can of asshole repellent with your name on it and an itchy trigger finger to boot.

Relax, breathe.

Oh yeah, Christmas falls on December 25th. That's a heads up for next year and most will ignore it and come and demand things that were available a month ago, but others have snatched it up and are relaxing with family and friends as we speak. THINK. Plan. THINK.

Relax, breathe.

Karma, baby! Karma.

/ spew

Peter Boyle

2006-12-18T20:25:00.000-08:00

A great actor, but it's all about Young Frankenstein for moi, trust me, I've been singing "Putting on the Ritz" in "Abby Normal" monster style for days now. Enjoy your rest Peter, you earned it.

[Tube via Side Salad and thanks fer thinking this bitch is funny, despite what that pompous load of shit Christopher Hitchens says. ;) Peace to you and yours from me and mine.

Love,

Sybil xoxo Muahaha!

Lick it Hitchens, lick it. :D (Btw, loved the Jefferson book, bitch.) :D

After the storm

2006-12-18T05:41:00.000-08:00

The effects of the wind are spread all around, I faired well, had my power back the next day, although the store was down for 2 days. Cell service seems to be back, craziness indeed. Needless to say I got some much needed rest, rehung my Christmas lights and removed the "No Lifeguard On Duty Sign" from my patio plants. Hohoho, Merry Christmas. Others in the area are still without power and to add to their misery, it's currently 30 degrees outside. That sucker was a DOOOZY! Woo!

Storm stories @ Google News. DOOOOZY!

Boom, boom! Out go the lights!

2006-12-14T21:22:00.000-08:00

Holy Shit! It's fucking scary windy out tonight, very scary. Power outages abound, earlier thunder and lightening smacked their shit up in every one's face. Damn. We've had power surges, outages and just fucking weird ass weather for the past 24 hours. All this adds to the joy at work; one more quit today, never to return and leaving me standing 3 hours straight ringing people up. This experience is going to melt my frickin' mind for sure. *twitch* :P~

On a lighter note, one of my customers showed me the proper way to pin curl my hair, hers are always lovely, even when she was on Dateline. Weird ass day. Oh. My. Gust! Well, I meant to say God, but a gust got in the way....gah....glurp.

"Success is the quality of your journey" - Jennifer James

*twitch*

LOL!

Help.

LOL!

Mmmmkay.

Wind gust-very scary. Have a loverly evening, tomorrow and etc.

Really. :)

Soup For Everyone

2006-12-12T05:31:00.000-08:00

The Christmas Trees are back at the Airport. The Rabbi was threatened with death a gazillion times which is about as shameful and pathetic as the decision to take the trees down. Sure, it was a secular display of lighted trees, but with the whole "Christ" part in the namesake for the holiday, there is bound to be someone who wants to balance it out for everyone. An "unfortunate situation" for all involved indeed. The Rabbi never asked for the trees to be taken down, he just wanted some Jewish inclusion in the displays. Severe over reaction is so Bush Adminstration. Chill mofo's, enjoy the sparkly lights or you'll have a 32% approval and who needs that?

Grinch Award Of The Day

2006-12-11T05:29:00.000-08:00

Mid-winter and evergreens are covered in lights, except at Seattle International Airport. They took the Christmas trees down in lieu of litigation. Why? Because some dude wants a frickin' menorah put in the displays. Because, according to the dude, when one walk through a winter wonderland, they want to see a menorahs. Shame on everyone involved! This is just pathetic and embarrassing for all involved, what would it have hurt to throw a frickin' candle holder into the mix? It's a huge "You don't like the soup? Well, no soup for you!" Bullshit.

Working for a livin'

2006-12-10T11:16:00.000-08:00

"Keep away from people who belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel, that you, too can become great!" ~Mark Twain

Christmas in retail can be overwhelming. Christmas in retail at a new job, exhausting to the point of delirium. So far, I've managed to stay relatively sane despite the fact I take verbal swipes from "the other manager", who is obviously threatened by my very existence. What little authority I have is constantly questioned or ignored by the "other manager's" team of not so loyal, terribly bitter and sad people. This store has some seriously fucked up and angry karma going on and um...I don't do that. I don't do drama, won't, can't, not gonna do it. You've got issues, well lose them or leave them at home, but don't and I repeat, do NOT, hang your shit on me moth-er-fuck-ers. :)

She: [broadcast over our radio earpieces] "Of course I work Sundays, one day I'll be special enough to not have to work them, but until then I'm here at 7:30"

Me: "No comment. And hey, thanks for your comment!" :D

This is just one in a series of verbal swipes directed at me by the "other manager". I'm not working Sundays because the commute is close to non-existent. The commute on weekdays is nothing; bus, train, bus, but on weekends it's a series of buses that for whatever reason, never connect to the next destination without an thirty minute wait or more, this despite the fact that the store, located a half mile south of the largest mall in the Seattle area (and soon to be relocated to the mall), go, Sound Transit, stellar job! But that's neither here nor there, my schedule isn't this woman's business and it would be wise that she shut her ignorant bitter mouth before I tape that evil orifice up with duct tape retrieved from some hairy fuckers ass. I wasn't hired to be this person's verbal punching bag and she better step off or I'll get so fucking professional on her sorry ass she'll have paper cuts from the mountain of complaints I will lodge at her like a fucking Human Resources canon ball.

She: "Ha ha, did you say "no comment""?

Me: "Yes I did, mam"

She: "Aw, don't worry, your time will come." (perhaps meaning there will come a time that I'll get to take verbal swipes at her - don't know, don't care - I'm playing my cards close.)

Me: (with customers in tow) "Girl, my time HAS come!" followed by a "Z" shaped snap.

This customers giggled and asked what that was all about and I just said "she's a worry wort, nothing to be concerned with, she'll be okay."

I knew there would be issues from day one when I entered the office and our General Manager introduced us. She gets up from her desk and comes at me with open arms and a hug. "Welcome to our family." [Tip of the day: Don't hug newcomers it stinks of desperation, this isn't AA or group therapy, it's a fucking business. Hugs come later, when you know the bitches.]

"Um, okay, thank you?"

"Ha Ha, she's a funny gal. Isn't she?"

The GM says something to the effect of "she always has been." The GM and I have known each other professionally for 18 years and at one time was my District Manager, yet another reason this "other manager" feels threatened.

The "other manager" tells me she was supposed to have my job come January, oops. Honestly, if she was supposed to have the job, I suspect she would have gotten the position and they would have hired me as the Merchandising manager, but alas, they wanted me as Inventory manager and that's how it is.

This store is so dysfunctional I have to work six days a week for the next two weeks, because no one wants to work there. People keep quitting and I understand why, negative energy is all around, it's not good. Direction is barked over the radio like threats. No please, no thank you. Nothing positive is said about the booksellers, criticism is all around.

My goal, along with making sure with have want people want to buy, is to spread sunshine all over the place until the bitch super nova's and everyone is walking around with god damned smile, until then, I won't let my former employees, who want to work with me again, apply to the many positions that need to filled. I'm not going to let good people be treated like shit for any reason. However, I am recruiting my former assistant, because she's got balls of steel and can hold her own against bitter nastiness and I need an ally in my quest to get these folks to lighten the fuck up. Life is short, very fucking short and there is no reason to walk around acting like a bunch of bitter martyrs.

For the most part, I know I'm going to love this job and I expected a certain amount of resentment from the "other manager" and supervisors, so I'm not going to sweat the bullshit, I'm there do a job I'm fucking terrific at and I'm not going to play in their little reindeer games. I'm an optimistic misfit of sorts, I want to encourage people to be the best at whatever they choose to do in this life, but in my own quirky, albeit professional, way. I'm not intimidated by much, people, technology, I say..."bring it on" and if I fail at least I know I gave it my all and if I succeed, I'll celebrate with those who played a part in my success and then move on to the next challenge. The bottom line in life is to treat people as you would want to be treated and you'll win every time. See, I fight with love baby, so take some time to smell the flowers or I'll plant said flowers in your ass. :D

Hahaha!

2006-12-03T16:39:00.000-08:00

So your saying Ruby was eating the artificial tree? Hahahahahhahaha
Well, listen up BOF (bringer of food), I'm gonna eat this formly live, now decorative wreath you spent your hard earned money on...hahahaa.....I swear, that Ruby cracks my ass up.

Caught!

2006-12-03T16:35:00.000-08:00

The tree, artifical. The cat, in denial.

Sleep, Commute, Work, Commute, Stare @ wall, Sleep

2006-11-29T20:37:00.000-08:00

Oh the joys of the first day of work. Buses with broken chains and golly you were lucky as fuck (as lucky as fuck can be) to have your bus show up at all!! I was fortunate in the morning, the evening however, not so much. But I'm home, it's warm and I get about two hours of downtime before I have to get up and do it all over again.

The new job is a lot to learn, but I'm blessed with a cubicle and my own computer (intranet, the bastards!) This particular store is a "superstore" and it's a little overwhelming compared to what I did before, but nothing I can't handle. I have one of the brains that sees or reads something once and I get it, so the camera in my mind was overloaded today. Alrighty, now I'm going to stare at a wall until I fall asleep. Once I move the commute won't be as bad, so, until then, posting will happen when it happens and when it happens it will most likely be the delirious ramblings of an exhausted Cupie until the holiday passes. Lucky you. :D

Snow Day!

2006-11-28T07:43:00.000-08:00

I took this picture this morning, not only does it express my laziness in snowman building, but because it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...lol. It's also beginning to look a lot like I won't make my first day at work, snow covered with ice and 20 degrees with a wind chill of zero, I don't want to die just to fill out paperwork and get orientated. Nope. I'll do it tomorrow, hopefully some of the snow will be gone and it's expected to be a balmy 35 degrees, yep, tomorrow (shoot me.) So much for El Nino.

My sister took this picture, tre' gorgeous, so talented ;) - Redmond 11-19-06

D'oh!! My new boss just called and the store is closed, woooooohhhhhhhhhhhhooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Snow Day!!!!!!

Fire and Ice

2006-11-27T23:19:00.000-08:00

More snow today, freezing cold tomorrow, woo. :|

First Snow

2006-11-26T11:04:00.000-08:00

It's not a lot, but it does the trick. Time to decorate the tree! Woo! :D

Thankful

2006-11-22T15:23:00.000-08:00

Well, it's back to work for me and let me tell you something, I absolutely hated the process of looking for a job, interviewing - the selling of me - the phone interviews, resume....blah, blah, blah. I thought I would take a financial hit, but got a raise instead and after a month of interviewing for a handful of jobs outside of my experience field and finding myself crying during two of the interviews when asked what I enjoyed about my job at the bookstore. I realized it then - I wanted to keep being the book woman.

I missed it, I never thought I'd say that, but I did and now I'm back, but on the bigger side of the game. So, after mentally conceding to the fact that small bookstores are the past, I sucked it up and started checking out the larger stores, I interviewed with both large chains, but of course, my former company snapped me back up with a salary that makes me so very happy! I'm boss again, a boss in a bookstore. I could hurl big nuggets of joy, but I won't, I'll just be thankful.

Another strange turn of events, I was in Olympia helping out at my mom's store and we stopped by Marshall's and Mervyns to check out the sales when I ran into the woman that intially hired me to work for the company. I hadn't seen her in 16 years so it was wild to say the least, but it brought working the small bookstore to full circle, life is groovy like that. And actually, the bookwoman image in this post is actually a shirt my former boss had given to me as a gift, because, I am a bookwoman and you won't ever find me denying it. ;)

Oh golly, I can take my resume down from Monster!!! Woo! Interestingly enough, I did get a lot of calls from listing on Monster, one just this morning, so it works, however, in the end, I didn't need it. And to those 3 gazillion insurance companies that call me daily, you can stop now I'm resuming my booklust, full steam ahead.

I hope you all have a fabulous and warm holiday with your family and friends!!!

Happy Thanksgiving *bookish happy dance*

Stuffinglicious

2006-11-21T10:57:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving Tip O' the Day-oh!

Don't pick at the stuffing all day or you'll be stuffed by dinner. Mmmmkay?

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?

The outside :D

Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down?

Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat

Turkeylicious?

2006-11-20T10:17:00.000-08:00

Young ladies around the world, it's Thanksgiving this week and the bottom line is, that you need to eat something, please. ;)

Perhaps a yummy Thanksgiving meal baked via an Easy Bake Oven, yum!
[via Side Salad]

I bet Anderson Cooper will have a loverly Thanksgiving, and if he doesn't, I bet you will. *sigh*. ;)
[via Gawker]

PSA Vault

2006-11-17T09:38:00.000-08:00

It's a Girl!

2006-11-16T09:46:00.000-08:00

Madame Speaker! Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

WASHINGTON (AP) - Nancy Pelosi was unanimously chosen Thursday by Democrats to be speaker of the House of Representatives, becoming the first woman ensured the job that constitutionally is second in line of succession to the presidency.

Even as Pelosi was enjoying her finest hour politically, her fellow Democrats remained divided over the selection of her top lieutenant.

Pelosi officially takes the post in January, succeeding Republican House Speaker Dennis Hastert, when the House convenes in the next session of Congress.

"Men fear women's strength." - Anais Nin

Lazy Bathers

2006-11-14T11:15:00.000-08:00

Ummm....Soap on a rope is soooooo passe, welcome to the 21st century where technology respects your lazy ass.

Master Of Puppets

2006-11-14T10:16:00.000-08:00

Jim Henson's production company has a new show on TBS called Puppet UP!– Uncensored

The Jim Henson Company's PUPPET UP! - Uncensored is a demonstration of what happens when the perilous and provocative forms of traditional comedy improv are mixed with a bunch of irreverent puppets. With a motley group of characters brought to life world-renowned puppeteers, it is truly innovative comedy. Premiering in March 2006, the show has played to critical acclaim and sold out crowds at both the HBO Comedy Festival and the Edinburgh Festival Fringe.

Performing the puppetry for the show are some of The Jim Henson Company's top puppeteers, as well as some of the country's top comedy improvisers. The cast includes Brian Henson, Second City alum Julianne Buescher, Tyler Bunch (Sesame Street), The Groundlings' Ted Michaels, Drew Massey (The Muppets' Wizard of Oz), ACME Comedy Group founding member Paul Rugg, Allan Trautman (Greg the Bunny) and Victor Yerrid (Team America).

Watch a clip here.
[via Disney Blog]

Curtain Call

2006-11-12T10:46:00.000-08:00

Today's the last day for free NYT's Select, after today it's $50 a year to have access to the editorial page and that pisses me off. I understand they need to pay the bills, but because I have bills to pay, I can't realistically say, "Hmmm, food or editorial opinion?" My ass yearns for food, my mind for opinion and since my ass is bigger than my brain, my ass wins out and since my ass is usually the underdog in most situations, this past week it was numb because I read everything I could, but it was a joy for my brain. As for my ass, well, it just twitched and in my mind a twitch = exercise. Win/Win.

The Drapes Of Wrath
by Maureen Dowd

The new Democratic sweep conjures up an ancient image: Furies swooping down to punish bullies.

Angry winged goddesses with dog heads, serpent hair and blood eyes, unmoved by tears, prayer, sacrifice or nasty campaign ads, avenging offenses by insolent transgressors.

This will be known as the year macho politics failed - mainly because it was macho politics by marshmallow men. Voters were sick of phony swaggering, blustering and bellicosity, absent competency and accountability. They were ready to trade in the deadbeat Daddy party for the sheltering Mommy party.

All the conservative sneering about a fem-lib from San Francisco who was measuring the drapes for the speaker's office didn't work. Americans wanted new drapes, and an Armani granny with a whip in charge.

A recent study found that the testosterone of American men has been dropping for 20 years, but in Republican Washington, it was running amok, and not in a good way. Men who had refused to go to an untenable war themselves were now refusing to find an end to another untenable war that they had recklessly started.

Republicans were oddly oblivious to the fact that they had turned into a Thomas Nast cartoon: an unappetizing tableau of bloated, corrupt, dissembling, feckless white hacks who were leaving kids unprotected. Tom DeLay and Bob Ney sneaking out of Congress with dollar bills flying out of their pockets. Denny Hastert playing Cardinal Bernard Law, shielding Mark Foley. Rummy, cocky and obtuse as he presided over an imploding Iraq, while failing to give young men and women in the military the armor, support and strategy they needed to come home safely. Dick Cheney, vowing bullheadedly to move "full speed ahead" on Iraq no matter what the voters decided. W. frantically yelling about how Democrats would let the terrorists win, when his lame-brained policies had spawned more terrorists.

After 9/11, Americans had responded to bellicosity, drawn to the image, as old as the Western frontier myth, of the strong father protecting the home from invaders. But this time, many voters, especially women, rejected the rough Rovian scare and divide tactics.

The macho poses and tough talk of the cowboy president were undercut when he seemed flaccid in the face of the vicious Katrina and the vicious Iraq insurgency.

Even former members of the administration conceded they were tired of the muscle-bound style, longing for a more maternal approach to the globe. "We were exporting our anger and our fear, hatred for what had happened," Richard Armitage, the former deputy secretary of state, said in a speech in Australia, referring to the 9/11 attacks. He said America needed "to turn another face to the world and get back to more traditional things, such as the export of hope and opportunity and inspiration."

Talking about hope and opportunity and inspiration has propelled Barack Obama into the presidential arena. His approach seems downright feminine when compared with the Bushies, or even Hillary Clinton. He languidly poses in fashion magazines, shares feelings with Oprah and dishes with the ladies on "The View." After six years of chest-puffing, Senator Obama seems very soothing.

Because of the power of female consumers, some marketing experts predict we will end up a matriarchy. This year, women also flexed their muscle at the polls, transformed into electoral Furies by the administration's stubborn course in Iraq.

On Tuesday, 51 percent of the voters were women, and 55 percent of women voted for the Democratic candidate. It was a revival of the style of Bill Clinton, dubbed our first female president, who knitted together a winning coalition of independents, moderates and suburbanites.

According to The Times's exit polls, women were more likely than men to want some or all of the troops to be withdrawn from Iraq now, and 64 percent of women said that the war in Iraq has not improved U.S. security.

The Senate has a new high of 16 women and the House has a new high of at least 70, with a few races outstanding. Hillary's big win will strengthen her presidential tentacles.

Nancy Pelosi, who will be the first female speaker, softened her voice and look as she cracked the whip on her undisciplined party, taking care not to sound shrill. When she needs to, though, she says she can use her "mother-of-five voice."

At least for the moment, W. isn't blustering and Cheney has lost his tubby swagger. The president is trying to ride the Mommy vibe. He even offered Madame Speaker help with those new drapes.

Thank You!

2006-11-11T15:57:00.000-08:00

The Douglas Coupland Experiment

2006-11-10T12:06:00.000-08:00

New York Times Select was free this week and I found this little ditty by author Douglas Coupland. Recycling? The state of publishing? Chewing up your own work to make a wasp nest? Why the hell not?

Time Capsules
by Douglas Coupland

I guess my big issue with the book world is that only rarely does anybody address the physicality of books, as if to do so is somehow an insult to "words," which is kind of corny, and seems almost willfully self-blinding. The extreme is in France, where most covers are blank with just the title and author's name, which is actually not a bad idea, like school uniforms, but then what next - all books set in the same font at the same size? A war between the pro italics and the anti italics camp? I think you can go too far.

In 1996 there was a global paper shortage, and even Rupert Murdoch had to fly to Finland to ensure paper supplies for his publishing divisions. In second-hand book stores you can sometimes recognize the 1996 and 1997 books because they’ve turned yellow from the high acid content of the paper.

Thinking about this yellowness got me to thinking about pulp which got me to thinking about how precious we are about books. Books are central to the transmission of culture from one generation to the next. At least for now. Smart people have argued that we're going to look back on paper (and the book) as intermediate technologies, stops on the road to the all-digital universe. This seems wacky right now, but in 1,000 years it won’t seem wacky at all. One way or another, books will cease to exist. They'll either be supplanted or humanity will become extinct or - well, whatever scenario you envisage.

So back to pulp. Back to paper. My cousin in Ontario is an entomologist, and so I think about insects more than I might think about them otherwise. I got to thinking about how wasps and hornets make paper, too, and paper is, in its own way, just as vital to the survival of their species as it is for us. What if you could trick wasps into using human paper to make their own paper? What if you took a stack of Finnegan’s Wakes and pulped them with hot water and corn syrup and left the whole thing in a pasture and let wasps come and gather the cellulose to make nests? What if you added pigment to the chopped up paper, and tricked the wasps into making nests in designer pastel shades — in candy stripes or tie-dyed patterns?

I had lofty plans to try this but geography and scheduling prevented it — for the time being. We simply don’t have many wasps or hornets where I live in Vancouver. But in the meantime I did a few things. I began looking for nests, found exactly one, and then put an ad in the local shopper paper reading, "Wasp and hornet nests required for science project. Will pay $10 apiece." (BTW, one lesson I've learned in life is that there’s very little you can solicit to buy in a shopper paper that can't quickly be explained by saying it's needed for an art or science project.) I was able to buy three dinky little nests this way, so I then visited (where else?) eBay, where I was able to buy some huge nests for $20, mostly from Texas and Florida.
Nests are beautiful objects — the inner combs in Koolhaasian layers, the striations of pulp that resemble avant garde Japanese fabrics. You can easily meditate on one for hours. (BTW, here's another thing about nests: they can really stink after being in a shipping box for two weeks. Each day we learn something new.)

So after my nest meditations I took copies of my own novels and began pulping them myself, chew by chew, a slow, laborious process. Have you ever chewed a book? I doubt it. The first thing you need to know is that doing so really trashes your saliva ducts, and it takes about a week to get through one average-size book. The second thing to remember is to drink lots of water and spit regularly or your teeth will turn gray. Usually I'd chew while watching "Law & Order." (I'm an addict.)

To look at my own complete wasp nests raises odd issues in my head and, I hope, in the minds of observers. Is our bunkered mentality about the sanctity of books more genetic than cultural? Are we no different than wasps defending against intruders when we force students to read Henry James or Nadine Gordimer? What would wasps make of books? How do wasps think of their role within evolutionary time? Do wasps have any sense of culture? Why does it feel so strange to see a book removed from our own sense of history and culture and inserted into a non-cultural slot where art or music or any other art form don't exist?

This past month has been a pleasure. It's helped me clarify in my mind my experience with society and how books have shaped it. It's made me clearer about my call to anyone involved in teaching or within institutions to try to broaden their thinking about what books are or can be. Since 1991 I've witnessed the triumph of the superstore, the near death of the independent bookseller, the rise of Amazon, the rise of the Internet, the comings and goings of the e-book and the rise of the P.D.A. Books are not under siege, but they are evolving and mutating. The more this process disturbs you, the more necessary it might be to try and engage with these changes. Right or wrong, they are inevitable, and the choice for anybody is whether they want to be able to live fully within the future, or whether they want to become a recluse and vanish into the past. The only way to go is forward. It's all there is.

Spiderman 3 Trailer, Spidey gets all Dark Knight

2006-11-10T10:48:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, when "staying the course" you have to take a left turn ;)

2006-11-08T17:08:00.000-08:00

It's a good day for us liberals, but I don't want to gloat...sadly, I'm sure one of them will have a glitch in their armor, but until that happens we now have checks and balance thing back in place and it's about time.

On my way home from an interview today, I was crossing a major intersection when I saw my state representative Mark Miloscia standing on the corner with a huge sign that said Thank You! I waved and congratulated him. It was a sweet gesture and sometimes it's the little things that make all the difference in the world, I'm glad I voted for him, hell, I'm glad I voted, period.

Of Biofuel and Rock & Roll

2006-11-08T08:45:00.000-08:00

"We are coming out of a depression, and we're on the cusp of doing something really great," so sayeth Hoquiam mayor Jack Durney of the new biofuel plant being built in Grays Harbor. Aberdeen and Hoquiam have been coming out of a depression for decades now, once the mills starting shutting down, so did Aberdeen. Timothy Egan meshes this new development with the Cobain legacy, yes, Kurt Cobain. Aberdeen has never fully capitalized on Cobain's place in rock n' roll history and now with the Biofuel plant they're ready, I guess.... Newly re-elected Senator Maria Cantwell (D) says

"the fuel plant would put the area on the map as an energy-revolution pioneer.

A Nirvana fan, Ms. Cantwell added that the plant and Cobain could co-exist as trademarks of this part of the coast.

"I think this area is big enough to have two heroes,"

It's a strange, albeit positive, look at a small town with a dead rock star and shitty future, but hopefully the Biofuel plant can only help. Full article here.

I Voted

2006-11-07T16:56:00.000-08:00

I hope you did as well!

Pineapple Express Upside Down Cake

2006-11-07T10:13:00.000-08:00

It's been pouring down rain for days now (Pineapple Express) and normally I would enjoy it a bit more if it weren't so wet. That doesn't make sense, if it made sense it wouldn't be on this blog and I like it that way.

My mind is erratic lately, job-hunting is such a delight for a hyper neurotic bitch like myself - the job I want, hasn't called back, the job I'd do but will die a long tedious public transportation death if I get it, will notify people next week. The job I go for a second interview tomorrow, would be a challenge, but I'm up for that and the hours are more suited to my cranky old body. Another opportunity has opened up and I'm certain I'll interview for that as well. Interviewing is such an exhausting event; I get all wound up before and come down like a load of bricks right after. I work myself into such a neurotic frenzy, I'm worthless to the world. Let the drooling commence!

Last night, to relax my overworked brain, I opened a beer and promptly forgot about it, made some mint tea but drank hot apple cider instead, I've got to get to work soon, my beverage selection demands it.

Today I vote, because I have that right, the right to walk to my polling place, in the rain and vote my vote. I hope you all will do the same, that is, if you haven't already. Don't forget to watch The Daily Show/Colbert Report's Midterm Midtacular featuring Dan Rather for election returns tonight, we are hoping to laugh our ass off or at least an inch off, that would be swell.

Quote of the day: "It's a risk, I guess, but what the hell." - Dan Rather on starring with Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert.

Word of the day: "Nutfuckery"

Have a super dooper day!

Dreaming Cheshire Smiles

2006-11-03T09:02:00.000-08:00

I dreamt that I was at a woman's house, apparently, in my mind at least, I knew this woman from a cat show I had recently sold my jewelry at. From what I can remember, I don't recall this lady being at the show at all and in the dream she was part of a mystery as I was with a Scooby Doo group of folks in hot pursuit of um...something, I'm not sure. Like any good investigator I had to urinate, err... so, I found the bathroom and once I piddled and upon standing from the toilet I lost my balance. To steady myself I put my hand on the wall and when I did my hand went through the wall and I heard a cat screech, like the wall was a cat and I stepped on it. Looking around I noticed that the once pristine surroundings were now dreary and decaying. Wanting to hide the damage I did on my toilet ascent, I found a towel and shoved it in the hole.

On leaving the bathroom, I now found my fellow Scooby Doo-er's in this woman's rotting bedroom and she was sweetly introducing them to a gazillion cats and kittens that weren't there prior to the piddle episode. Obligingly, I listened to their names and fell in love with every damn kitty there, but I knew I didn't need another kitty let alone purchase a pure breed, so I just smiled, nodded and "mmmhmmm" a lot. As it is, I'm already one cat shy of "Crazy Cat Spinster" status, that is until I see this tiny little creature, no more than six weeks old with a brown tabby look about it. The lady explained to me that she would give me this particular cat for free, "but you have to understand", she said, "he's blind".

Not having seen the kitten's face yet, it seemed to turn around right as the lady said this, I was saddened and horrified when I saw the kitten's face. His little head slightly deformed and he's eyes were milky as if born with cataracts. I'll be the first to adopt a seemingly loveless creature, it's my nature, I believe everything deserves love, even creepified kitties that look like Sponge Monkeys. As I pet the creature, my Scooby Doo pals grimacing with every touch, I started to fall in the love with the scary looking bugger and just as I'm about to tell the lady I'll take on the task, the cat smiled a huge opened mouth smile, which promptly woke my ass up.

Once awake, I realized my own cats were working their "wake up the bringer of food" mode. Ruby, my black cat, was basically sitting on my chest staring down at me, occasionally touching her wet nose to my chin and Sophie, my Siamese mix, was next to my pillow...staring down at me and playing with my hair, neither of the cats smiled at me and for that I was thankful, but I'm certain that's why my brain conjured the smiling deformed kitty, nothings perfect, right?

Speaking of cats, it just so happens that it's raining cats and dogs today, ugh. Aunt Flo has made a surprise visit, which I hope is not representative of the decaying bathroom, ew. And to top things off I have an interview this afternoon. The huge zit above my lip should scare the living shit out of my interviewer and I'm certain that my hair will do it's amazing humidity freak out trick, which can be quite attractive if I were living in a nut house. I'm doomed. I'm bitchy and bloated, damnit, I feel sexy. Garble snarf with a side blech. Creepy smiling cats, damn.

Paging Dr. Freud.....

Dipshit Brigrade

2006-11-01T10:13:00.000-08:00

John Kerry is to public speaking, like George Bush is to vocabulary.
That's all I have to say about that. Thanks!

Happy Halloween!

2006-10-31T10:54:00.000-08:00

To you and yours, from me and mine. Be SAFE and enjoy the day!

Strike a pose

2006-10-25T09:56:00.000-07:00

"Legend claims that Maria Antonia and the composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart became acquainted as children, when Mozart gave a short musical concert for the Imperial Family. Afterwards, when asked by the Empress what he would like as a reward for his performance, the young Mozart allegedly asked for Maria Antonia's hand in marriage."

Had Marie Antoinette's family taken up this proposal things would have been slightly different for Maria. But no, her family insisted upon making her a queen, which they did by marrying her off to the Dauphin of France and although she had a very plush life, she didn't do the "deed" with her man until seven years into their marriage and then to top it off, they "auf'd" her head. Bummer.

I saw Sofia Coppola's Marie Antoinette yesterday and it's gorgeous. Kristen Dunst managed not to annoy me, which she normally does, but it worked for this character. The movie is completely through the young Marie's eyes, so it lacks specifics if your a history geek, but if your at all familiar with the French Revolution, you get the gist. I liked the use of the new romantic music of the 80's, it worked in more ways than not. But, (hello "but", nice to see you again) the movie moves slowly, almost trance-like to the point of putting me to sleep (briefly, more like a nod and a smidge of spittle), this worked for Coppola's brilliant Lost In Translation, but when you have the equivalent of an eyeball boner brought on by the gorgeous clothing, Versailles and Dunst's stunning, quirky smile, it doesn't work as well.

Overall, the movie is good. Dunst is terrific, Schwartzmann is adorable as Louis and the visuals, well, they give you eyeball boners. Thumbs up, but I'd wait for the DVD, just in case you nod off like I did, although drooling in public can be an adventure, so do as you wish.

Speaking of Diva's Madonna will be on Oprah today to explain her adoption process. Hopefully this will shush the gossip, but I doubt it will. Madonna is a woman who could fart in a cup and sell it for millions, she's the "material girl", she's a Kabbalah warrior, she is not Angelina Jolie. The show should prove interesting...or not, we'll have to wait and see.

Habeas Corpus Gone

2006-10-23T10:32:00.000-07:00

Oh Oby, you can say it better than I ever could and you look better doing it.
[ratboy]

Dreamy

2006-10-22T09:58:00.000-07:00

Dream Girls trailer, sure Beyonce' is gorgeous and sings delightfully, but you know it's all about former idolite Jennifer Hudson's rendition of "Your gonna love me" and we can't wait to see it!

"Metronatural"

2006-10-21T09:47:00.000-07:00

SayWA? Spring fresh? Magically delicious? We've finally got used to the Metrosexual, men who divulge in as much primping and pampering as women, now we've got to get used to the idea that Seattle is now Metronatural.

"Seattle offers the best of both worlds," Don Welsh, the bureau's president, said in a news release. "We have a vibrant urban center surrounded by pristine wilderness and outdoor recreation."

The idea of "metronatural" was to capture that, Welsh said, adding that so far, feedback has been overwhelmingly positive. He said some people might not get it if they're simply told what the slogan is, but once they see it on photographs of the city, Puget Sound or the Cascades, it really resonates."

It sounds like a health food store to me or a locally produced feminine product. "Honey, hand me my Metronatural...It's douche day!". The sampling of Seattle residents a local news station asked about the new slogan were pretty much taken aback, not knowing what it meant. Seattle is far from a "green" city, but it sits amidst two Mountain ranges and Puget Sound, we have Orca's in the waters and Bald eagles that fly over Safeco field during game time. Seattle is beyond gorgeous, now we're Metronatural. I get it, it's kind of funny in a trendy-trying-to-hard-to-be-hip way and it's definitely a step up from the slogan "SayWA"....What? "SayWA"...What? Say it. "WA". Thank You. What?

Welcome to Seattle the Metronatural city, we're spring fresh and pretty, you can almost smell it.

I'm an original

2006-10-20T08:48:00.000-07:00

How Many Of Me.com

I don't think I've ever put my full last name on the blog, I don't like to share specifics of my life, that is unless it's a wart on my ass, of which I have none, whew! Thankfulness aside, I just want to point out just how original I am, the last name helps, but I suspect that even if I didn't have this last name I'd still be me. Imagine going through life with a "Z" last name, I'm always last unless they go by the alphabet backwards and then I'm first, eek. At the grocery store, the checker always has to thank me by my name and it's always amusing to see if they'll pronounce it correctly and 9 times out of ten they don't. I return all bumbled attempts at saying Ziniewicz with "It's Polish for Smith", they laugh, I leave.

It's not enough that I've got one of "those faces"...."are you related to..?", "I know you from somewhere, don't I? My favorite is when the person really thinks they know me and promptly starts a conversation, if they don't figure it out before they tell me about their life, I gently tell them I'm not who they think I am, we laugh together and as they walk away, they turn to look at me one last time with a questionable look on their face.

All my nieces and nephews, upon birth, have heard the words "you look like your Auntie" and if you could see me first thing in the morning, you'd see the resemblence. I'm just one of "those" kind of people, completely my own, curmudgeonly self, but if you feel like we've met before, perhaps we have, but it's most likely we haven't. I've just got one of "those faces" and once you hear my name, you know you haven't met me before, because I'm Theresa Ziniewicz and there's only one of me in this country and that's just spiffy by me.
[link via JG]

Project Runway Finale

2006-10-19T09:26:00.000-07:00

To say I was shocked that Jeffrey won is an understatement. I think a little piece of my brain shot out of my nose into my tea when they announced it and then I sipped the tea, ew. The judges wanted innovation and picked Mr. McMeanyTattooNeck. No, they didn't want Laura's clean, magnificent cocktail attire. They didn't want Uli's flowery, flowy whatnots (my personal fav) or Michaels hoochie mama on Melrose garb. Apparently the judges wanted clothes inspired by Japanese ghost stories (Boo!), gulp. I will say I LOVED his striped jacket, I would wear it out most likely, but the other stuff was a little too manga-esque and honestly, I can't remember a time I said to myself, "Hey, I wanna look like a Japanese Ghost, I'm all about "dead sexy" you can almost smell it!"

I'm not one to dismiss Jeffery's obvious talents and I applaud his use of fantasy as a muse, but...having sold a gazillion Anime' books, I've seen his collection before... on the covers of these books, blet. In a world where Dove has the balls to show us what it really takes to be a "real woman", I'm not surprised that the Project Runway judges picked Jeffery, better to keep the illusion of "real women" in the background. Bitches in sweats just don't sell.

The further adventures of "hugging it out"

2006-10-18T10:25:00.000-07:00

"We like to hug our customers. Not literally (unless they bring a particularly huge pile of books to the counter on a particularly slow day), but with the attention we give them. And from the feedback we get they seem to love being hugged."

Ah yes, personal attention to the customer, it's always a Win/Win and sometimes I'd actually hug 'em, if I liked them or have known them for some time. With the growth of e-commerce, there's not a whole lot of hugging going on, unless it's a real hot UPS guy, "Wow, my books are here! Yippeeeee! Can I hug you? Would you like some coffee? Tea? Sex?" Okay, I've haven't gone that far, but I have been overly excited to recieve my packages. Hmm...

[via BS]

Hug it out here.

"1001 Books You Must Read Before You Die"

2006-10-17T10:10:00.000-07:00

"There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them." -Joseph Brodsky

I haven't finished a single book in 6 months, but once I started to read Peter Boxall's list, I feel inspired to finish up the 5 or so half read or almost finished novels I've been savoring during my little sabbatical. I'll quote the actress Rachel Weisz from this months "O" magazine. "I sometimes don't finish a book because the story never ends" I can relate to that completely. One of books I have been reading, especially in the early months of my unemployment was or rather, is, part of a series; The Dance Of Death by Lincoln Child and Douglas Preston. Sure, this is no literary dandy, some may even call it pulp, but I love FBI Agent Aloysius Pendergast (paging Kevin Spacey, you'd be a perfect Pendergast!) a quirky and strange fellow that first appeared in the authors book The Relic. They're fun books with great mysteries, odd characters and I read about a page or two a day, not wanting it to end, milking it until the next book is in paperback or perhaps it's that if I finish it, it will mark the end of my time away from work. Whatever the case, this book and the others that I haven't completely committed to will soon be finished, because this Boxall's list has reminded that I already own a massive chunk of the list, shelved in the "to be read, eventually" section of my library.

Reading habits change, and I'm certain that I'll start devouring books at warp speed now that fall has um...fallen upon us once again. Honestly, what is better than curling up by the fire with a terrific book?

After reviewing the list of "1001 Books" that I must read before my tits point upward forever (well, after you fish them out of my armpits that is), I can say I've only dented this list:

Everything is Illuminated
The Robber Bride
The Secret History
Written on the Body
Sexing the Cherry
Like Water for Chocolate
Cat's Eye
Foucault's Pendulum
The Black Dahlia
The Passion
The Cider House Rules
Less Than Zero
Contact
The Handmaid's Tale
The Lover
The Color Purple
Confederacy of Dunces
Delta of Venus
Interview With the Vampire
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Slaughterhouse-five
The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test
In Cold Blood
Cat's Cradle
The Bell Jar
A Clockwork Orange
Catch-22
To Kill a Mockingbird
Naked Lunch
The Once and Future King
Lolita
The Story of O
Invisible Man
The Catcher in the Rye
Nineteen Eighty-Four
The Little Prince
Tropic of Capricorn
Of Mice and Men
Their Eyes Were Watching God
Gone With the Wind
Orlando
Lady Chatterley's Love
The Great Gatsby
Siddhartha
The Wings of the Dove
Heart of Darkness
The Hound of the Baskervilles
Dracula
The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
Little Women
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
The Water-Babies
Great Expectations
Walden
Madame Bovary
The House of the Seven Gables
The Scarlett Letter
Jane Eyre
The Count of Monte-Cristo
The Three Musketeers
A Christmas Carol
Frankenstein
Pride and Prejudice
Aesop's Fables

Holy mudder of gawd, it's only 63 out of 1001! This list is actually a book and Jessa Crispin (she's read 96) interviews the author/editor of the list and book of the same name at The Book Standard and Boxall states "the book will continue to be an organic thing, changing with each printing and the continuation of the debate." as it should, I say. My list would differ greatly from Boxall's because I go through serious bouts of non-fiction folly, and my love of satire would probably take over half the list. But, honestly, making time to make a list is something I don't want to do, I'm lazy like that, perhaps one day, until then, I'll continue to scan Boxall's list for inspiration, save myself a small chunk o' change and shake the dust off books I intended to read, but forgot I owned. [listology link via Book Slut]

Fight Club In 30 Seconds (And reinacted by Bunnies)

2006-10-17T09:36:00.000-07:00

(click pic to watch or click here)

I had a smidge of Bunny burnout, but I'm better now and all I have to say is..."bitch tits". Enjoy!

Plane Crazy

2006-10-12T09:59:00.000-07:00

The good news is that the plane that hit the building in Manhattan wasn't terrorism, the bad news is that it was a Yankee. Normally, you won't find me sympathizing for the Yankees, at any given time. However, the circumstances of this event do call for sympathy as the man was just following his bliss and got a bliss-ter (heh) called death. My sympathy to his family and the flight instructor's family.

Before the events of 9-11, flying for me was a thrill. Not once did I allow my thoughts to think of terrorism or crashing. I was in a huge metal flying device and I didn't need to understand the physics of it all, I was in the clouds.

After 9-11, I thought my feelings would change and my neurotic nature would override any sensible thought, but that never happened. Honestly, I feel more at risk being poked and prodded by airport security not to mention the feeling of being exposed as they search my suitcase. I do understand why the have to do it, it's just that I know that my dainties don't have a cruel bone in them and if they had a bone of any kind in them, they're one bone ahead of me.

I would sooner fly a plane than drive a car, far less gridlock and less reason to shake the water bottle of shame (another story for another day) at any offender closing in on me, cutting me off, or dare to honk at the car I'm in. Flying defies what we were born to do, got feet? I truly understand why people choose to become pilots in the most romantic sense; the freedom, the sky, the clouds, the sheer exhilaration of being nearer to the stars. Defying gravity.

The passion that it takes to become a pilot is audacious at best, but life is short, and if you're not accustomed to following your bliss, your folly, you might never take chances that will change your life or in this case end your life. Keep in mind that death is a risk you take every time you wake up, so why not do something you love? And before you go on about me not following my own advice and say...learn to drive...I know how to drive, I passed driver's ed in high school. Sure, my instructor encouraged me to get a bus pass, but I passed and in all actuality you're all safer without me there to shake the water bottle of shame at you, which, come to think of it, would be far easier to do as a pilot, you don't have the 10 and 2 position to keep you from shaking the water bottle of shame at random birds or unruly cloud formations.

And the hits just keep coming

2006-10-11T12:45:00.000-07:00

A small multi-engine plane has hit a Manhattan residential building. They're calling it an accident, but NORAD says that jet fighters will be sent over certain US cities.
CNN link

There's not enough coffee for this shit

2006-10-11T09:42:00.000-07:00

The first noise I heard this morning was that of my phone ringing. "Hello?" I croaked.

"Did I wake you up?? Good Lord woman it's almost 9 - get out of bed" she cackled. She being a former employee and current friend then asked a work question.

"What's the admin function to close the register?" she asked somewhat frantically. Briefly, I thought I was still working and that I'd over slept and then I saw the man-crotch out my window.

"Um, man-crotch alert!" I say.

"What? I don't have time for this, what's the admin code?" she said in a somewhat bitchy tone. I relayed the information she needed, I won't get paid and now there is a man's crotch out my bedroom window. :|

To be fair, the man was a roofer on a ladder and it was me who didn't close my blinds all the way. They are reroofing my building this week and I keep forgetting this, running into my bedroom to change clothes, rip off shirts...look out window...wave..."shit". They start every morning about eight a.m. and since I had a hell of a time getting to sleep last night, I tried to sleep in, but to no avail. Thanks to my former employee, the President talking shit on the tube and the huge man-crotch out my window today is surreal and it's only ten o' clock.

Dick wears the pants

2006-10-10T09:45:00.000-07:00

"I rather feel like expressing myself and I could certainly use a release" -Audrey Hepburn
My brain is verklempt. Odd, on a Tuesday as the world spins as per usual, I've got little to say, well except that Andy Dick is a twisted, talented, creepazoid and I like it.

[via slog]

Boom Boom Out Go The Lights

2006-10-09T09:30:00.000-07:00

Thanks North Korea! Thanks for the radiation, I've always wanted a third arm to shoot out my ass! And when children are born in North Korea, the children that will be the future of your country, don't mind the extra toes and limbs, well, if they get toes and limbs at all. I thought we learned our lesson, well, we kind of did, but still you persevere to safeguard your country of autotrons from....what? Invasion? Aliens? What? No, really, what?

I suspect this has something to do with your height, dude, it's so okay to be a short shit, I'm mean, you're breast level and that's a win/win (after a rohipinal cocktail, that is). Or perhaps it's a penis issue? You know, they have surgery for that now and with all your wisdumb and power I'd think a penis enlargement is just your cup of tea, or not. Whatever, chill out please. Thanks and have a super day!

Sunday Morning Comic

2006-10-08T11:06:00.000-07:00

The Nietzsche Family Circus

Fun!

[via IW]

"Let's Hug it out, bitch!"

2006-10-06T10:23:00.000-07:00

I think the week should end on a hug, it's been a tough week for everyone (in the Republican party) and sometimes we all just need a hug xxxxxxx

[via JenG]

Have a wonderful weekend and remember this...if your toys come alive while your asleep, why couldn't your album collection? ;)

Sundown doesn't come soon enough, anywhere.

2006-10-05T16:06:00.000-07:00

So, I'm out running errands, I picked up my new phone, a sweet lil' Razr rip off by Sanyo called the Katana. I choose the pink one as 10% of the proceeds go to the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation, being as I know a handful of people who've had or are now currently dealing with the cancer, my friend Joan, my hair dresser Illayna, a couple of regular customers from the bookstore and my next door neighbor. 5 years ago I didn't know a soul who had it, now it's fricken' epidemic! I like to give where I can and hell, I got a flashy new phone out of the deal!

I milled around Target for awhile and purchased some movies; X-Men (so, excited to see being as I missed it in the theater), The Little Mermaid (My all time Disney fav) and Thank You For Smoking, just for that hint of satire my diet craves. After the Target episode, I saw Ivars, yum. What would be better than some salmon and chips? I walked up to the door, opened it and then I remembered I was fasting, fuck. I'm not going to complain, I'm doing it for a good cause, but sundown can't come soon enough. I'm sure that's what your average Darfurian thinks, "Oh, I can't wait for sundown so I can eat this beetle" damn.

We take so much for granted in this life and one day without the luxury of food is something I can do without. I've got a fancy new phone, movies to watch and a roof over my head. I feel safe most of the time, no matter the security level color. People in Darfur don't have 90% of what I have and trust me, I have little, so, no food until Sundown - I can do this! I'll just watch X-Men and forget my hunger pangs and no that's another luxury Darfurians don't have and it would probably scare them anyways, right?

Save Darfur

Just Do it

2006-10-05T10:40:00.000-07:00

Or not, the choice, as always, is yours.

Cooper @ Wonderland or Not reminds me to do things for the betterment of the World (kissing included), Thanks Cooper!!

Stand Against Women Stoned to Death
Oh Islam...come with us to the 21st Century, it's fun and there's chocolate, no need to keep stoning women to death, that is unless you start by stoning men for the same "crimes". I know you all have an abundance of rocks n' all, but perhaps you can build monuments or something, you silly savages. On a side note, I've never emailed an Ayatollah before, it was a hoot!

Fast today for Darfur! Well, it might be a little late for some of you, but I think I can do it and not only will I have supported Darfur, I will have given my abused colon a break. Honestly, it's the least I can do knowing that a good chunk of the population in Darfur will die trying to find food or water and the women and children raped in the process.

The Breakfast Club

2006-10-04T09:40:00.000-07:00

Dear American Citizens,

We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. And what we did was wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. What do you care? You see us as you want to see us... In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain and an athlete, and a basket case, a princess and a criminal. Does that answer your question?
Sincerely yours,

The Breakfast Club

And in other news, FOX news continues on with their "Fair and Balanced" reporting by making the republican perv du jour into a DEMOCRAT!

"The O'Reilly Factor ran it in not one, but two segments and posted it three times." Wow, pretty fair and balanced with a smidge of fuckedupness if I say so myself.

Jesus Walks

2006-10-03T09:59:00.000-07:00

With the Bushmiester!

Must be nice. [via BWE]

Gravity defied

2006-10-02T09:29:00.000-07:00

She's not Wicked, she's just misunderstood. That's what I got from seeing Wicked this past Saturday. The musical differs greatly from Gregory McGuire's book, but according to Winnie "My So Called Life" Holzman, she wanted it be different, because the story isn't just about Elphaba the wicked witch of the west, but about Elphaba and Glinda's friendship - despite their obvious differences and passions, one's blonde and popular, the other is green and bookish.

Britney Spears was prompted to write her "Letter Of Truth" after seeing Wicked. Basically, she learned how to stand up for herself and by God, if she wants to be barefoot, pregnant and married to a greasy cad, she will be, y'all. As for myself, I find Wicked to be very inspiring, not just for young girls, but for anyone who hasn't quite yet grasped what it means to stand up for your convictions, to be independent, to be yourself without worrying about other peoples predjudices. Then again, my brain is a strange thing and I kind of festered on "...and monkeys might fly out of my butt" premise, which isn't what you might think. It's not that I thought Wicked was hooey, I just thought if monkeys did indeed fly out my ass, Elphaba, essentially an animal activist in her own right, would be there to guide the monkeys that did fly out my ass to freedom. And really, how selfish is it to keep flying monkeys in your bum, sometimes we're no different than the Wizard, selfish and controlling.

The Seattle production was brilliant, however after almost two weeks of performance's Shoshanna Bean's (Olympia native and the loverly Elphaba) voice cracked a bit and perhaps they were a bit exhausted as well. During Megan Hilty's (Bellevue native and the stunning Glinda the good) hysterical rendition of Popular, Shoshanna/Elphaba broke character slighty by not being able to control her laughter, it was a funny and honest moment that could easily be forgiven, because we laughed just as hard.

As Kermit the frog has stated, it's not easy being green and because "Elfie" was green, she scared people, they didn't want to understand her, because of their own fear of green flesh, but she is no different than you or I. That's what I love about Holzman's Wicked, we can't avoid politics and ultimately we're all good and evil when you get down to the bones of it and once we recognize that, our path in life become much clearer. Be yourself and be the best you can be, because "no wizard that there is or was, is ever gonna bring me down".

As for the Mariner game, we won it and it was awesome, if only for the fact that out all the 8 or 9 games I went to see this summer, I had only seen one win (against the Yankee's no less) prior to yesterday. So, to end the season with a win just made my weekend all the better.

My summer has finally ended a week into autumn, my creativity renewed and boundless, my body rested, yet, exhilerated. I don't feel compelled to write a "letter of truth" as Britney did after seeing Wicked, but it has reminded me to trust the insticnts within myself and fly. So, if you see a chubby redhead in the sky, don't fear me, I'm just busy showing off my talents to potential employers, I'll try to avoid flying over Dick Cheney, but I know someone (myself included) will eventually try to shoot me down, admittedly, chubby airborne redheads can be somewhat intimidating. Fear not, my intentions are good and although I march to the beat of a differnt drummer at times, the beat is good and easy to dance to, so don't hesitate to join me "as someone told me lately, everyone deserves the chance to fly" and you might enjoy it. I do, it makes me feel um...wicked. ;)

Wicked

2006-09-30T08:34:00.000-07:00

Wicked's Seattle run is sold out, I've got a ticket with my name on it for the matinee today. I've waited years for this (hence the homage banner for my blog) !! Woo. And tomorrow is the last day of the Mariner's baseball season, sure they sucked ass this year, but not as "assy" as last year, so, it's been a good year for the M's... kind of. Have an excellent weekend, I will. Peace out!

Related: Oz's green radical, set to music

"Broadway's "Wicked," written by Winnie Holzman with a score by Stephen Schwartz, boils it down to a sweeter, more simplistic story of feisty girl power>"

No cute little London Bridges, ew, Or Humps (chick ass) ...just plain ol' girl power and that's the way I roll, baby. ;)

Friday's Folly

2006-09-29T13:21:00.000-07:00

The best of the week right here, right now.

Having tea with Pakistan:

Blog Post of the week: The End Of Suffering by Tim Sanders (Mr. Motivation) ;)

Think about it, your greatest energy comes from your innate desire to end suffering. If you are bored, you find great energy to deal with that. If someone you care about needs something, you find it in yourself to give her your very best. This mission I suggest, the end of suffering, comes from your true nature as a compassionate being.

It is truly possible to unify our intentions and to align with others based on the mission we select in life. Currently, we have so many varied (and often selfish) missions that it is no wonder we think we are not like “them” and find ourselves largely divided.

Read the rest here.

Word of the week: Crabtastical, not to be confused with Crabtestical, ew.

Tacky, tasteless and funny as hell:
Top Ten Chapters in Jim McGreevey's book by David Letterman

I heart Maurice Sendak

2006-09-28T23:38:00.000-07:00

"Starred Review. Kindergarten-Grade 4–This pop-up tour de force abounds with humor, vibrant artwork, and visual fireworks. A sweet-faced tyke, attired in a sky-blue onesie and fuzzy hat, toddles into a creepy house. Unperturbed by his gruesome surroundings, he encounters one monster after another, calmly asking each, Mommy? Although the creatures try their best to scare him, the childs unwavering smile and mischievous actions quickly clarify whos in charge."

Maurice Sendak on NPR! He chats about his new book Mommy?
[text - slideshow]

PBS' American Masters: Maurice Sendak

Face it, on Mars, there is no face

2006-09-27T10:40:00.000-07:00

"I'm the face baby, is that clear,
I'm the face baby, is that clear,
I'm the face if you want it,
I'm the face if you want it, dear,
All the others are third class tickets by me, baby, is that clear."
-The Who

That infamous face on Mars, you know the one, the lump of rocks some have speculated was built by an ancient civilization

Yep, that's the one. Well, mythology aside, in 2001 we learned that it really looks like the photo on the right:

Behold the face!!!

"Thanks to the best images ever taken of the much-discussed face, scientists have conclusively determined it's just an unusual formation of mountains, landslides and valleys. Sorry all you conspiracy theorists and alien enthusiasts, but the Mother Ship ain't comin'."

Oh technology, you know-it-all bitch!

Anousheh Ansari paid a cool 20 mil to go to space and face the final frontier, the woman has balls and in zero gravity I bet there all over the place, anyhoo, she's got a flickr account devoted to her space images and it's tre' cool, enjoy. [via]

Let us not forget our own lovely planet, and if it takes a rodent to remind us that we are our own worse enemy, then so be it!
"All is One"
The rodent has spoke.
[via AIS]

And finally, we think Laura Bush might know a thing or two on how to use a ~~Buttplug~~..err..Bushplug. *shiver*
E to the W = EW!
[BWE]

Have a super fantastic day!

The Politics of Human Nature

2006-09-26T09:11:00.000-07:00

Bill Clinton snapped when FOX's sniveling, self righteous Chris (blame it on the "emailers") Wallace asked him about Bin Ladin and everybody, yes, both sides of the fence having been criticizing him since. Why? Because he acted human. The man reacted with a "I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me" response to a pompous weasel's question and now he's the "crazy", "defensive" former president. The fact that Wallace even asked the question was supreme bullshit, because although the facts are out there, they choose not to believe the facts.

Nora Ephron talks of how Clinton's people let his socks show, accusing the former POTUS of showing skin (read: human nature). We all snap sometimes, to varying degree's, but we do. It's like when someone tells a gorgeous person they're ugly every five minutes and finally the pretty, albeit flustered, person snaps screaming "I am pretty, fucking GORGEOUS even!! What is it you don't choose to see?!" People see what they want to see. Blinded by personal beliefs and perceptions, people are a fallible lot, fleshy schmoo's just trying to make it through another day and thankful when not driven to the edge of insanity.

Clinton snapped, because he could, just like the blow-job from the human humidor, why the fuck not? (That's not to excuse his behavior, trust me, I've totally boycotted the smoking of cigars.) But the thing is is that our former POTUS - not unlike our current POTUS - is human, sure he is brilliant beyond compare (the former, not the latter, duh), but the bottom line is that the man is made of flesh and bones just like you and me and when boxed into a corner will defend himself as he sees fit, savage - why yes it is. So, now the criticisms fly around like an airborne disease; "he's too bipartisan" "his socks were showing" boo-fucking-hoo.

At what point did being human become a undesirable trait?

It is our humanity that has brought us to the world to which we live in now, and it is critical that Clinton continue his bipartisan path and his audacity of hope. Clinton sets the example of how politics should work by agreeing to disagree but willing to work with those you disagree with to reach a common goal - survival. So, while the pundits have their heyday with Clinton's defensive reaction to Wallace's inane question all I have to say is to err is human, to forgive is divine and lord knows I'm divine. ;) See, I made this all about my divine chubby ass, forgive me, it's human nature.

UPDATE: Thanks to Gary @ Declarations for sharing yet another brilliant link to Keith Olberman's response of this "Clinton snaps" bullshit. I'm not certain how Olberman gets in my head and says what I'm thinking more eloquently than I ever could, it's freaky and I like it! Truth to power.

A textbook definition of cowardice by Keith Olberman [video and text]

Side note: Speaking of the audacity of hope, Senator Barack Obama will speak and sign copies of his new book The Audacity Of Hope at Benaroya Hall October 26th tickets are $5 and do not include the autographing party.

Heroes

2006-09-25T22:09:00.000-07:00

I just watched NBC's Heroes and let's just say it reminded me of terrific first date. You know the kind, the connection, no weird silences, the laughter and so far all the expectations have been exceeded. It's only downhill from here, because I'm hooked. It's dreamy mc dreamville, however, there could very well be hairy asses and ass acne in the future, but for right now, this first date rocked!

Bitch better call.

Banned Book Week

2006-09-25T09:42:00.000-07:00

"Free speech is the whole thing, the whole ball game. Free speech is life itself."-Salman Rushdie

It's that special time of year again, that time of year that we are reminded that not everyone thinks the same. Banned Book Week reminds us of that every year, but I cannot imagine a life without having read Catcher in the Rye, Are You There God It's Me Margaret, Harry Potter, The Color Purple, To Kill A Mockingbird or The Handmaids Tale.

We are a country of ideas, some good, some bad, but without exposure to these "ideas" we are nothing more then cogs in the wheel ofanother's machinery, why breathe at all if your not breathing for yourself?

Read a Banned Book this week, your brain will thank you and your imagination will soar, not a bad afternoon if I say so myself. Which I did, I said so - myself. I've got the freedom to do that, well, now I do, tomorrow's another story, which hopefully, won't be banned.

The 100 Most Frequently Challenged Books

Scary Stories (Series) by Alvin Schwartz
Daddy's Roommate by Michael Willhoite
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
Harry Potter (Series) by J.K. Rowling
Forever by Judy Blume
Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
Alice (Series) by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
Heather Has Two Mommies by Leslea Newman
My Brother Sam is Dead by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier
The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
The Giver by Lois Lowry
It's Perfectly Normal by Robie Harris
Goosebumps (Series) by R.L. Stine
A Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Newton Peck
The Color Purple by Alice Walker
Sex by Madonna
Earth's Children (Series) by Jean M. Auel
The Great Gilly Hopkins by Katherine Paterson
A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle
Go Ask Alice by Anonymous
Fallen Angels by Walter Dean Myers
In the Night Kitchen by Maurice Sendak
The Stupids (Series) by Harry Allard
The Witches by Roald Dahl
The New Joy of Gay Sex by Charles Silverstein
Anastasia Krupnik (Series) by Lois Lowry
The Goats by Brock Cole
Kaffir Boy by Mark Mathabane
Blubber by Judy Blume
Killing Mr. Griffin by Lois Duncan
Halloween ABC by Eve Merriam
We All Fall Down by Robert Cormier
Final Exit by Derek Humphry
The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
Julie of the Wolves by Jean Craighead George
The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison
What's Happening to my Body? Book for Girls: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents & Daughters by Lynda Madaras
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
Beloved by Toni Morrison
The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton
The Pigman by Paul Zindel
Bumps in the Night by Harry Allard
Deenie by Judy Blume
Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes
Annie on my Mind by Nancy Garden
The Boy Who Lost His Face by Louis Sachar
Cross Your Fingers, Spit in Your Hat by Alvin Schwartz
A Light in the Attic by Shel Silverstein
Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
Sleeping Beauty Trilogy by A.N. Roquelaure (Anne Rice)
Asking About Sex and Growing Up by Joanna Cole
Cujo by Stephen King
James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl
The Anarchist Cookbook by William Powell
Boys and Sex by Wardell Pomeroy
Ordinary People by Judith Guest
American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis
What's Happening to my Body? Book for Boys: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents & Sons by Lynda Madaras
Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret by Judy Blume
Crazy Lady by Jane Conly
Athletic Shorts by Chris Crutcher
Fade by Robert Cormier
Guess What? by Mem Fox
The House of Spirits by Isabel Allende
The Face on the Milk Carton by Caroline Cooney
Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut
Lord of the Flies by William Golding
Native Son by Richard Wright
Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women's Fantasies by Nancy Friday
Curses, Hexes and Spells by Daniel Cohen
Jack by A.M. Homes
Bless Me, Ultima by Rudolfo A. Anaya
Where Did I Come From? by Peter Mayle
Carrie by Stephen King
Tiger Eyes by Judy Blume
On My Honor by Marion Dane Bauer
Arizona Kid by Ron Koertge
Family Secrets by Norma Klein
Mommy Laid An Egg by Babette Cole
The Dead Zone by Stephen King
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison
Always Running by Luis Rodriguez
Private Parts by Howard Stern
Where's Waldo? by Martin Hanford
Summer of My German Soldier by Bette Greene
Little Black Sambo by Helen Bannerman
Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett
Running Loose by Chris Crutcher
Sex Education by Jenny Davis
The Drowning of Stephen Jones by Bette Greene
Girls and Sex by Wardell Pomeroy
How to Eat Fried Worms by Thomas Rockwell
View from the Cherry Tree by Willo Davis Roberts
The Headless Cupid by Zilpha Keatley Snyder
The Terrorist by Caroline Cooney
Jump Ship to Freedom by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier

Explore Banned Books on Google

Phlegmbot

2006-09-22T10:17:00.000-07:00

It's as though I'm drowning in snot, I'm the snot monster. After going the better part of the year without a single cold I get two in a month! It started in the nose. A sneeze here, a sneeze there. After a day of that and thoughts of what to do with the mountain of tissue surrounding my body like the freakin' shroud of Turin, I realized this wasn't just a "sinus" day, but a full blown cold that would soon take up camp in my lungs. My taste buds are shot, but it doesn't stop me from eating a chocolate kiss that tastes like um...nothing. OMG.

Dr. Wayne Dyer in one of his many lectures on PBS, talks of how he hasn't had a cold in a gazillion years, because, he tells his brain that he absolutely won't get a cold and his brain responds with wellness. So, I have a little chat with my brain
"you will not get sick, mmmmmkay??" My brain didn't respond, instead I sit here with snot bubbles, no taste buds and a healthy load of ookie googies residing in my lungs. Super swell! Fortunately I have plenty of sinus meds, the Nyquil from the last cold and some Robitussin - DM that expired two years ago, lol.

I'm going to have another little chat with my brain today, we'll talk of what it feels like to be healthy and not drowning in ookie googies and if my brain doesn't listen I'm going to give it a time out, wait. I have this heinous cold because my brain took a time out...omg, I can't think...oh yeah, brain is on time out....help. LOL, have a loverly day.

Crushin'

2006-09-20T10:03:00.000-07:00

Ben Affleck is everywhere lately and it seems the world may just now be prepared to forgive him for his grotesque PDA with J-Lo. We love to look at the man, so thanks America, thanks for letting me look again and here's the thing Jersey Girl is not that bad of a movie, really, trust me, or not. Also we'd like to thank The Daily Show for Clinton on Monday (yes, it's a twisted crush, but it's all mine! Mine I say!! Muahahahah!) Affleck on Tuesday, yowza! And tonight...the ever yummy Johnny Knoxville. It's a freakin' smorgasboard of yumminess or my rotting hormones are playing a dangerous game of field hockey in my body. All I have to say about that is "Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaallllll!"

Have a loverly day! *Sigh*

Arrrrrrrrr!!

2006-09-19T14:26:00.000-07:00

Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho,
It's "Talk Like A Pirate" Day!
When laptops are benches God gave us for wenches,
And a sail ain't a low price to pay!
When timbers are shivered and lillies are livered
And every last buckle is swashed,
We'll abandon our cars for a shipfull of ARRRs
And pound back the grog till we're sloshed. Yo ho ....

- Anyone see my keys?
- Just off the coast o' Florida, matey! ARRR!
[Download the offical Pirate Song @ iTom

I almost forgot, today is Talk Like A Pirate day, celebrate, arrr!

Mr. Bill

2006-09-19T09:43:00.000-07:00

Every and any step to make this world a better place is a step in the right direction.

Cup full of crazy with three lumps of spew

2006-09-15T10:37:00.000-07:00

This week just blazed by, blocks of time dissipate in a blink, I love this aging bullshit. I watched ABC's Path to 9-11 (a road less traveled) and I learned that this whole mess wouldn't be happening if not for Monica Lewinsky's suckling abilities, but I think with Whitney Houston separating from Bobby Brown we may have found be our saving grace as Bin Laden has a Houston crush. So Whitney, if your reading this, spread that "black love" to Afghanistan, pronto. And don't worry if you can't find him, he'll be in the cave we haven't looked in. Oh yeah, and wear a blue dress, thanks.

If I haven't mentioned it, we like the Rosie on The View, it's good to see the lesbians get their due on morning television and speaking of morning t.v. yesterday I watched Tyra Banks remove all her make-up, wash her face and then moisturize her breasts, granted they were covered with a camisole and titslinger, but still, if you think I have an ass fetish, then Tyra's got a serious boobie fixation.

And finally for all you Project Runway whores, the collections for the finale have marched the catwalk this week in New York. VH1's Best Week Ever has a good sampling of what we'll see on the boob tube next week, or the following week whenever it is the outfits are out there and now you judge. As for my picks, this year it's all about Laura and Uli's stuff, Micheal kind of fell into a Foxy Brown abyss and forgot to come up for air and as for the rocker Jeffrey, well, real women don't resemble Manga characters, never have, never will, much to the chagrin of adolescent boys and girls everywhere. I've loved some of his stuff, but the runway line...oy. Judge for yourself and have a super dandy weekend!!!

Vague Conventions

2006-09-15T09:11:00.000-07:00

The president says that "most" Americans find article three of the Geneva Convention to be "vague".

Article 3

In the case of armed conflict not of an international character occurring in the territory of one of the High Contracting Parties, each party to the conflict shall be bound to apply, as a minimum, the following provisions:

1. Persons taking no active part in the hostilities, including members of armed forces who have laid down their arms and those placed hors de combat by sickness, wounds, detention, or any other cause, shall in all circumstances be treated humanely, without any adverse distinction founded on race, colour, religion or faith, sex, birth or wealth, or any other similar criteria.

To this end the following acts are and shall remain prohibited at any time and in any place whatsoever with respect to the above-mentioned persons:

(a) Violence to life and person, in particular murder of all kinds, mutilation, cruel treatment and torture;

(b) Taking of hostages;

(c) Outrages upon personal dignity, in particular, humiliating and degrading treatment;

(d) The passing of sentences and the carrying out of executions without previous judgment pronounced by a regularly constituted court affording all the judicial guarantees which are recognized as indispensable by civilized peoples.

2. The wounded and sick shall be collected and cared for.

An impartial humanitarian body, such as the International Committee of the Red Cross, may offer its services to the Parties to the conflict.

The Parties to the conflict should further endeavour to bring into force, by means of special agreements, all or part of the other provisions of the present Convention.

The application of the preceding provisions shall not affect the legal status of the Parties to the conflict.

Yep, look at all the shades of gray, apparently the Geneva Convention is a lot like the Bible, Koran and men reading maps - the only interpretation that matters is that of the readers and that's some scary shit, the very same shit we're wading through in mid-east.

I hate being woken up by the President, it pisses me off that he talks down to us and the world. Hell, we're the idiots (well, half the country is) that made him our president, so he's going to talk to us like we're unruly, uncivilized children. Well, fuck you Mr. President, article three is no more vague than "Mission Accomplished". Perhaps he should follow in Tony Blair's footsteps, but I'm afraid his arrogance won't let him, the asshole. Bah.

Humpday hoohah and the like

2006-09-13T07:48:00.000-07:00

Why wouldn't cartoons have skeletons? Portland artist Michael Paulus gets all Skelator on a few of our favorites here. Very cool.[via]

And now Mr. David Sedaris @ the New Yorker

IN THE WAITING ROOM
The advantages of speaking French.
by DAVID SEDARIS

Six months after moving to Paris, I gave up on French school and decided to take the easy way out. All I ever said was "Could you repeat that?" And for what? I rarely understood things the second time around, and when I did it was usually something banal, the speaker wondering how I felt about toast, or telling me that the store would close in twenty minutes. All that work for something that didn’t really matter, and so I began saying, "D'accord," which translates to “I am in agreement,” and means, basically, "O.K." The word was a key to a magic door, and every time I said it I felt the thrill of possibility.

"D'accord," I told the concierge, and the next thing I knew I was sewing the eye onto a stuffed animal belonging to her granddaughter. "D'accord," I said to the dentist, and she sent me to a periodontist, who took some X-rays and called me into his conference room for a little talk. "D'accord," I said, and a week later I returned to his office, where he sliced my gums from top to bottom and scraped great deposits of plaque from the roots of my teeth. If I'd had any idea that this was going to happen, I'd never have said d'accord to my French publisher, who'd scheduled me the following evening for a television appearance. It was a weekly cultural program, and very popular. I followed the pop star Robbie Williams, and, as the producer settled me into my chair, I ran my tongue over my stitches. It was like having a mouthful of spiders—spooky, but it gave me something to talk about on TV, and for that I was grateful.

read the rest here. D’accord?

Have a super dandy day!

I Just Called to say...I can't hear you...

2006-09-12T09:11:00.000-07:00

My lan line went tits up this past weekend, there was no dial tone and I recieved a variety of peculiar late night calls I can't answer from a certain Guadalupe, Roxa in Florida. I don't know who you are Roxa and personally I could give a rats ass, because if it's 11:30 on the Pacific Coast, it's 2:30 in Florida and I can only presume your drunk off your ass when you call. All I hear when I pick up the reciever is crunchy noise.

Ms. Guadalupe, you've called every night for the past 3 nights and here's the thing...I'm done with your drunk ass and late night calls, the phone company has been here and we have found that it's their equipment that has gone to rot and when my phone is finally fixed, I'll be able to answer, so be prepared. Listen, If no one answers the line, there is no reason to call a 5 or 6 more times just to make sure you dialed the right number, it's obvious that you didn't, you dumbass drunk dialer.

Roxa deary, I have had to unplug my phone at night because of you and that's just bullshit and speaking of bullshit, just calling the phone company was a nightmare in it's self, I couldn't get a "live" person to save my life! This morning I finally get a call from the technician and unfortunately the poor guy got an ear full of "who the hell is Roxa Guadalupe and why is the bitch calling me so late and why can't I answer her drunk ass? "And why don't you ever get a "live" person when you call the phone company?" the man stared at me and said "where's your phone at?" That was it, he said nothing more and never quite gave me eye contact. Sure, I looked a bit crazed holding a bunch of empty water bottles I had collected from around the apartment so that he wouldn't think I was a slob with a water fetish, so along with that and my ever attractive morning look of Edward Scissorhand hair and unconfined breasts bobbling about my mid section, (a scary sight to say the least), that's what you get at 8 a.m., but thanks for the prompt service and um...sorry about the dragon breathe and um...hey "How YOU doin'?" ;) ;)

My phone is fixed now, all is well, but listen up Roxa I got your number and a bottle of Jagermeister with your name on it. Cheers!

"Never Forget" that My Eggs Expire Today

2006-09-11T08:48:00.000-07:00

September 11th is no longer just any ol' day, it's a devastating reminder of hate, incompetence and the sheer self centered nature we humans employ, but here's the thing...my eggs also expired today, the rotten selfish bastards! Sure, I could risk it and boil the buggers, but just coming off of a stomach virus so heinous my bungholio is still raw, I'll pass.

There will be plenty of articles remembering what happened 5 years ago today, so I'll pass on the politics of it, basically we fucked up and the "evil doers" fucked up by fucking with us and then we fucked up some more to the point of one might think that we are fucked.

I wanted eggs for breakfast, but not today, today is a day for cereal methinks, chock full of those 11 essential vitamins I need to survive or I'm fucked.

Never forget the horror, the angst, the hate, the ignorance and hubris. The images are burned in our minds and the tears still come freely, I don't want to lose that, but what I really want is some food, eggs would have been nice, but I think they were terrorist eggs to begin with, hence the expiration date. There is always light at the end of the tunnel and I'll be basking in my light (read; Count Chocula, yum.)

Never forget. Have a loverly day!

CATastrophe

2006-09-08T07:58:00.000-07:00

I heard the familiar chirp from my little black cat Ruby, she chirps, apparently meowing is passe' in her world, but it's cute. However, this particular chirp was a demand to "get the fuck out of bed or I'll piss on you" chirp. I rolled over. She pissed right on top of me.

I thought nothing of it when she starting using her front paws to scratch at the sheets, she likes to hide and play in the folds of blankets, it's not unusual. What is unusual is the warmth I felt on my hip approximately 3 minutes after I started to amuse my waking moments watching her..."play". And then I smelled it, and then I was PISSED literally and figuratively, damnit.

Ruby is pissed about something and the only thing I can figure is that she's sick of seeing my ass around the apartment, it's her not-so subtle way of telling me to get my ass back to work. Perhaps the piss assault was brought on because I changed the direction of my bed, once North/South, now East/West. I don't know, but what I do know is that is no way to wake up, being treated like a cat box and all.

All right already, I'll find a job, after I wash all my goddamned linens that is. But listen up Ms. Ruby, I like where the bed is at so I hope that's not what your pissed about, if it is I'll be on you like Democrat all over a pissy (heh) and decidedly conservative 9-11 movie, because I like the position of the bed.

I should thank her for dragging my lazy ass out of bed before 9 a.m., if pissing on the "bringer of food" is motivation, then perhaps Tony Robbins could learn a thing or two. Oh how I wished that cats could talk, but alas, they meow or in this case "chirp" when they're pissed and then I get pissed on. Happy Friday, "chirp".

Damn it.

Yeah, what they said....

2006-09-07T09:43:00.000-07:00

Sure, I should be going off on Paris Hilton for her DUI, but then again, as far as we know, Ms. Hilton opted out of the Jews as warmongers defense. So, congratulations Paris, I knew you had it in you. Cheers! ;)

Now back to our program:

[via cute overload]

Crikey!

2006-09-06T13:09:00.000-07:00

I laughed. I cried. And then I kind of laugh-cried, lol. He was a crazy passionate man and he made those crocs feel beautiful, again, RIP.

[More Irwin Ode's @ Cagle]

Baby On Board Edition

2006-09-06T09:58:00.001-07:00

Now the asinine countdowns will stop and guess what, she looks like a freakin' baby! I was expecting scales or perhaps an antennae, but she's just another, gorgeous, probably smells like peaches kind of baby. However, I do find interesting that ever since the asswhomping by Redstone we get a picture we don't necessarily have any right to demand to see and Brooke gets an apology...it's almost suri-listic? Bah ha ha. Ahem.

Humility: 2 Ego:0

I'm thinking a baby that really needs attention is this baby:

Baby Helaim.
That is if she's still alive and if she is her prospects aren't that great - starvation, rape. Yeah, sorry all about it Suri, she's the baby that needs her face plastered everywhere.

And just to show you I haven't lost the sense of humor...
What the Stingray said via Scott Adams:

STINGRAY: "Well, I was minding my own business, eating kelp or whatever-the-hell I eat, when this guy jumps in the water and yells 'Crikey!' like a crazy seal. So I killed him and then hired a co-author who is both handsome and talented. You will find his contact information in the back of this well-written book."

Funny. RIP Mr. Crocodile Man, you were AWESOME, CRIKEY!

“All we want to do is eat your brains. We’re not unreasonable, I mean, we’re not going to eat your eyes.”

2006-09-05T09:59:00.000-07:00

Last Friday evening I attended the 826 Seattle Benefit - People Talking and Singing at McCaw Hall (one of 7 dates nationally for the "Book Eaters Tour") and that alone makes me hipper and wiser for the wear. While most of the world has no clue as to the who, what, where's of the event, I for one went to be entertained by the likes of John Hodgman, Dave Eggers, Sarah Vowell and Daniel Handler (Lemony Snicket), it was all very literary and composed, really. And what do smart composed people like to do? Sing in a sing-a-long with Hodgman and Jonathan Coulton (a nice little Zombie ditty whence this blog post is named for)of course. There was music up the ying yang and once removed from the ying yang sounded awesome. There was a 3 act play penned and narrated by Daniel Handler, to which his college girlfriend may consider an "unfortunate event" ...har...har.

Overall it was a fabulous event to which I'm certain that I'll attend it again next year. The Seattlest has a nice review of the event allowing my lazy ass to not go on and on about it, but fear not...I will continue on, lucky you.

Sarah Vowell and Dave Eggers @ 826 Seattle Benifit
A mid-show collection basket proved that, in Seattle, Bill Gates isn't the only only generous geek in the area raising over $10,000 for 826 Seattle, the most money raised by far (Sorry all about it New York) and because big bucks were raised we were blessed at the closing with a rendition of "Dracula's Daughter" with spoken word from one of the Smoosh girls and all the rest of the gang (you can watch my crappy snippet here). Rock n' Roll at it's finest! Yes, overstatement of the year being as "Dracula's Daughter" is a non-song, but you get the drift.

Speaking of Rock n' Roll, I followed up that event to attend a house warming party for the band Barefoot Barnacle, it was a hoot and we stayed too long and drank too much. Sleeping in proved to be futile as my niece Sara woke me up and summoned me to yet another romp 'round the Bumbershoot. Oy.

So, back up to the Seattle Center once more, but this time it was for Blondie, I figured that Debbie Harry is an icon and I just could not go through this life without experiencing a Ms. Harry & crew live show.

The show was amazing, she wore a very 80's-ish lime colored ensemble and sang all the hits her 60ish year old body could sing and we loved every minute of it. The only problem with the Blondie show is that it overlapped with the Chuck Palahniuk reading that we also wanted to see. After Blondie finished their fabulous set, closing with "Heart Of Glass", we rambled on over to the reading only to find out that the whole of Bagley Wright Theatre was full to capacity, sweet mary testostrone laden mother of gawd! Rejected, I went and bought a copy of Believer and joined Sara and co. on the lawn by the fountain, this afforded me a much needed "recoup" time, also we had some time before The Thermals show (btw, they so rocked, a loss-hearing good time was had by all.)

From there I went home, exhausted, a smidge hungover, but happy and sated with 24 hrs of literature, music and art that I'm still recovering from, well... at least I don't want to eat your brains anymore...I think. mmmmm

Happy Blogoversary

2006-09-04T10:16:00.000-07:00

Welcome to year 5 of the Spew. It's been a weird year for me, a year of change, the beginning of the "change" and assorted small change. Posting has been as irregular as Fat Bastard's bowel movements, but what are you gonna do? I have enjoyed sharing the multitude of fabulous crap I've found on the internet with you, because in the blogosphere redundancy is our bitch and we serve her obligingly.

Going forward, I hope that I can continue to titillate you with stories of no consequence and opinion direct from my raging ovaries. It's good to share with the fine folks of this spinning rock. Also, I'd like to thank the current administration for giving us all the fodder a blogosphere truly needs to keep it's self afloat in this hyperlinked world.

Happy Blogoversary to me and a very Merry Unblogoversary to all the millions of other blogs out there, represent!

Blog gone

2006-09-03T23:09:00.000-07:00

I don't know where it went, but it's been gone since last Wednesday and now it's back, fascinating, really.

Head aches

2006-08-30T10:27:00.000-07:00

We are sick. We had been fighting it for a week, but this morning I woke up feeling like Rafael Soriano's head...ugh. Achey - check Head feels like it's in a tin can - check Thy snot runneth over. Soar Throat (which I haven't had one of those in ages) - check. I could go on, but I have no energy to do so and it's just plain neighborly not to go into the nasty phlegmy details..........omg.

Have a day. :)

Star Trek and Coffee

2006-08-29T10:08:00.000-07:00

Motivating and Inspirational Star Trek Posters for the cubicle/office, beam me up.

[via via]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"....and he didn't even kiss me goodbye!"

My head just exploded, tasty.

Have a super dooper dandified day!