Human Nature "Express yourself don't repress yourself"-Madonna
I dreamt I was being engulfed by a raging fire in my home. I awoke myself with a moan only to find my face resting in a pool of my own drool. I looked around the room, the soft glow of my night light helped me refocus on my whereabouts and I fell back to sleep. I dreamt that I was hangin with Madonna and Guy Ritchie, Guy made a pass at me and I went splat. Honestly, I'd do Madonna before I'd shag on Guy......so again, I awoke myself with a moan and drool. It's a full moon tonight, exscuse me while I get all lunatical in yer face. I hope that tonight my dreams take me hostage in a kindly way, this week has been exhausting. No, easily said, not so easily heard. Yes, easily said, very easily heard. Maybe, perhaps, kinda, sorta, um......whatever. Words are of course a form of communication that can never, ever express whats truly behind the actions. I'm an emotional person, maybe too emotional. I have known to shut down all feelings for days, weeks, months, and years at a time.......I have this sensory thingy, I don't like small places with large amounts of people, nor do I like my personal space being challenged. I don't like when the everything in the world chooses to lump it's hairy ass on my face and suffocate me. When I feel as though this may be impending.....I shut down. No communicato, nothing. I go on with my small life, and relish in it's simpleness. When I choose to, I reinsert myself into society and family functions, this is how I live. Therapy didn't work, I'm just a freak, I accept it. I have anxiety attacks in public, I go off on people just to gain some sort of control, that in the end is meaningless to any win I thought I may have scored.
Today I let all of my seasonal people go, the job is completed and the holidays are a thing of the past. I think about how everyone of those people will survive till the next job. I appreciated every effort and will give good recommendations to all of them. Some of them may return, that is if the store still exists this fall, some may not return, life goes on. Still, it's difficult saying thanks and goodbye, they'll be missed. So, what happens in the next few weeks shall be interesting. Will the store Close? Will it become a Bargain "Outlet" Store? It's been an interesting week of emails flying from Vice Presidents to Regional Directors to District Managers, and then moi. After reading the emails I run to the bathroom and um have a little anxiety attack, crying, practicing my tourettes, you know the usual. Trying to save the little store that could :|
I've just been pluggin along, closing the two seasonal stores, getting paperwork in order, doing the regional book quest. Just doing what I do, I come home light a fire, and get lost in a book, sleep, awake for the next day of blows. I'm tired. I made a feeble attempt at forgettin last week, hell I'm too old for that Band Bus shit, and I'm too in denial of giving it up ;)
I want quiet, a quiet solitude without a straightjacket, a serene balance to return. It will, this I'm sure of.....when it will is the question. Once I've got word of whether we stay open or close I can attain some sort of semblance of my former reality. If it closes, so be it. If it stays open, so be it. Either way, I travel this year, off to visit a future entry in my BLOG, Hayley and the Gwenners, some call it New Zealand, I call it the bottom of the globe......Hayley calls it a 3rd world cuntry. That's my short term goal......to get there. My long term goal still is to be the greatest thang that came from my mothers crotch, the competition is relentless! ack.