My Thetans have a rash

Alert Homeland Security, Tom Cruise is going to Aberdeen Washington. Guard your couches, guard your daughters and by all means, season the placenta no one needs that around. Cruise should feel right at home, the welcome sign off the highway tell you to "Come as you are" a tribute to Aberdeen's favorite dead son Kurt Cobain. So come as he is indeed, the first thing Tom might notice is that the Church of Scientology has become the local community theater, so uh, no church for you! Oh wait he won't have time for that, he'll be busy at the mall, the mall built on a swamp which causes the floor to warp and buckle, it would be better served as a skateboard park than a mall with less than 50% occupancy, good times.

"Kevin McCoy, a 27-year-old Wal-Mart employee from Aberdeen, thought it was a joke when an e-mail popped in his inbox saying superstar Tom Cruise wanted to meet him ... in Aberdeen.

"I wouldn't expect Tom Cruise to show up in Aberdeen," he said Wednesday, sitting outside the Aberdeen Wal-Mart smoking a cigarette. "Maybe Seattle, but I didn't expect this to happen. ... It's too big of a thing. It's hard to get it in my mind that it's real."

Oh it's real sir, it's real. So grab your protective tin foil deflector beanies and prepare to marvel in the glow that is Tom Cruise. He's prettier and richer than you all, he's battled his Thetan demons while the rest of us tickle ours, he's a righteous movie star, behold his hairy ass.

Tom Cruise, Wal-Mart employee, Aberdeen Washingtion. There's a conspiracy in the making, I just know it, my Thetans told me.