Woke up, fell out of Bed, dragged a comb across my head...
The comb got stuck in a tiny knot, I was running late that day and I just didn't need that, so I ripped out the knot; no hair drama when you're running late, thanks. I had just finished reading one book and I realized that I needed a new book for my short bus ride to work. God forbid I should have to chat with anyone on the bus. Ew. I grab a nice new book, Children Playing Before A Statue Of Hercules, a compilation of short stories edited by David Sedaris, proceeds of which go to 826NYC, a nonprofit tutoring center in Brooklyn. Just buying it made me feel like a better person and stupid kids really piss me off so I had to buy it. So off I go to work, new book in hand, funky hairdo, and that irritable rushed feeling.
I get to the stop and also waiting for the bus is an eldlery gentleman approximately older than God. I open my book to show him that not only am I an intellectual, but I don't like to chat with strangers. He got the point. Actually, he never looked at me but it's better to look the part just in case, yanno? The bus arrives and the elderly man starts to go up the stairs. I'm right behind him with bus fare in one hand and my pristine new book in the other when all of the sudden the old man starts shaking, never making it past the second step and he starts to fall backwards. Shit. I will not be late for work. I will not this old fella crack his freakin' head open on my time, so I immediately position myself right behind him, push my arms up under his armpits as to catch him and then the inevitable happens. I believe they call it...um...Physics. You know how it is when a 6'5'' man weighing about 200 some-odd pounds falls backwards from any height and lands in the arms of a 5'5'' woman under 200lbs (like I was gonna state my weight, get real). Needless to say it was the first time in a long while I'd been flat on my back with a man on top. *Splat goes the Cupie*
I again position myself up under his arms to help him up and along with the bus driver's help we get him on the bus. The old guy never touched the ground thanks to my quick thinking and ample ass. I gather my belongings: my purse upside down, my book crumpled up under the bus and my bus fare in the gutter. Now, not only do I feel rushed, but I feel stunned and bitchy as well because my book was no longer pristine. Once on the bus, the bus driver thanked me and a round of applause came my way from the witnesses. "Good job!", and "I never would have done that, wow!" I smile at the people and say, "I knew my fat ass was meant to help in some way and it finally served its purpose." Laughter all around I find a seat, tell the stunned bus driver to get going chop-chop - I don't want to be late - open my book, and start to read.
Once at my stop, the bus driver thanked me again, the old fella gave me a thumbs up which I returned with a peace sign and a smile and went to work with my funky hairdo, rumpled book and scuffed purse. Then, the next day I awoke with a sore ass. With my back situation, it probably wasn't the brightest thing on my behalf to try to catch a large elderly man, but like any good artist, I do my own stunts. Besides, I was already sore with all the furniture moving and spring douching I've been doing this past week. As for someone else rumpling my book other than myself, I'll survive, it's just a book, right? I did make it to work on time, grumpy and still a bit stunned, so I got a chocolate donut to reward myself for my civic action. When you think on your feet, despite a nasty hairdo, you will make it to work on time, albeit with a sore ass and rumpled book, but damnit, you will make it to work on time.
