< Spew It Forward!: 10.02

Tuesday, October 29, 2002

KOO koo Ka Chew? The tragedy of 'getting a grip' is that eventually, if you want to wipe the drool from your mouth, you have to release the grip. Seeking to better our disposition or standing in life is relentlessly hard work. And to what to degree do you reap the rewards of untangling the damage of life? I mean, you pay the shrink, you stay sober, you over do it on the good deeds, you find eternal peace through a relationship with your personal beliefs, then *SpLaT* you get hit by a car, a sniper takes you down, fucking terrorists impose their rage and ignorance on you and yours. Golly, all that hard work in the toilet. Makes you just want to join the insane so that you don't have to be accountable for your actions, a little anarchy in your Wheaties never did any harm, right? And what if you don't like Wheaties and prefer Coaco Puffs, does anarchy go with Coaco Puffs? I'm KooKoo for them. So, even when one is desperately grasping to this side of sanity in this fucked-up and angry world, your KooKoo for cereal products. Finding serenity and peace staring at the whacky KooKoo bird on the packaging of my favorite breakfast sugar high, brings a smile to my face, makes me know...things will be o.k. and I can get on with day. I will write in my journal, pimp the literature, smile at old people and continue the *grip* (until I need to wipe the drools of course). Because I know, despite what the doctor says, Coaco Puff are good for my health, if not for my mental health, all else be damned, it's the small things, little chocolate orbs of serenity. LOL ;) Have a super day!

Spewed by Theresa Z » » Link »

Monday, October 28, 2002

Ok, so I have this dream, I'm visiting or living in San Francisco, and basically touring downtown, in the dream it's a cross between Disneyland and Vegas so my senses are overwhelmed I want to experience it all, then I realize I have to be to work in an hour...YIKES!! So I look around for a bus to take me to this damn mall in the suburbs somewhere...and some chick says I have to go to 1st ave to catch a bus, now to find 1st ave!!! I'm confused and late, little white rabbit action happening there..hmmmm, so anyhoo, I find the bus termainal and ask the dude at the coffee counter which bus I take to this fictional town of Almeda? Where did my brain come up with that one??? The ever charming counterboy didn't know squat, I cursed him quietly to myself and just got on the first bus that stops, thinking I know it will have to take me to my destination, but alas...it brings me to a friends house...um...yeah...he's no help and critical of what I'm wearing LOL, so I leave in a snit, not knowing which direction to go.....LMFAO And there ya have it. Again I say...Paging Dr. Freud??? I'm thinking the sidetrips have got to go ;) snarf!

Spewed by Theresa Z » » Link »

Sunday, October 27, 2002

Angels in the Outfield: The Angels just won the World Series and I'm most pleased. Seems I have the tendancy to pick the underdog, but not Underdawg...anyhoo........yipee!!! I've been reading some philosophy this weekend...and I dig it. I swear my mind is splat right now but damn If I don't dig the shit! My eloquence with words is indeed impressive and I wonder if the 3 particular Philosophers I'm reading about now would insist on a full frontal for me or just use me as a case study in futility...LOL. Eh, I don't give a shit, but I'm really enjoying the book: Wittgenstein's Poker. It's a fabulous account of a 10 minute discussion @ Cambridge in 1946. Now to most that would sound a smidge on the boring side, I don't find much boring so I'm enjoying it. Anyhoo, I'll fill you in later on the book, It's about baseball right now and I'm very happy that a Disney owned team could win a World Series, but really, until they battle other World Leagues the pompous baseball heirarchy may consider the US Baseball championship. The world has got a lot smaller in the past few years and now *World* Series seems a bold title, knowing that half of Asia plays baseball, which is considerable in population if you haven't heard and what of the Dominican Republic, and what about Africa for god's sake!! K, I'm over it. ;)

Spewed by Theresa Z » » Link »

Friday, October 25, 2002

Meow, Woof: Last night I dreamed a gazillion things in ususal form, but as Sophie my passive/aggressive siamese, loudly meowed at me for attention this morning, I'm reminded of one of the last dreams I had. Sophie had apparently got tangled up in a cat fight and her eye got sliced, this concerned me as having a defective feline wouldn't do at all. So I wondered if I could fix it somehow, patch it? super glue? Mostly I didn't wanna deal with a vet visit (the guilt). As I do with most things in life, I waited to see if it would get better on its own, sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn't. Anyhoo, the scene changes, I'm now downtown Seattle walking with a Black lab type doggie and an old friend who I let lied and cheated me years ago (hey, the neurotic have to have hobbies!). We are walking near the Seattle Center, near Johns Street where our appartment was, when all of the sudden, the dog starts to get lethargic and falls to the ground, I freak out and my so called friend stares like a retard in heat at the dog. I promptly give this dog mouth to um...doggie nose and mouth, and how the hell I knew to do that is beyond me. As I see the dogs lungs expand, It spaz's a bit and starts to come back to life and then I'm all freaked out because all I can think Of is Stephen KIng's "Pet Semetary" Yikes! Then I awake. Therapy is sounding better everyday...LOL!

Spewed by Theresa Z » » Link »

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

Catcher in the Rye Well it took me a few years to get to this, but I finally read it this weekend and was pleasantly surprised. I didn't know what to expect as it's a favorite book of so many whacked out people, John Hinkley being one and well you know that story! J.D. Salinger wrote a compelling tale a severe teen angst, angst that borders on mental illness. The Character of Holden Caufield is a terrific example of the turmoil one goes through growing up, his questioning of authority, his utter disdain for pretentious posers. Holden thinks to much, which I can relate too, he's very smart, yet he's failing in school, if he can't do it his way why do it at all? We follow him as he leaves school and decides how to deal with telling his parents he's been kicked out of yet another school. The adventures are sad and amusing and the reflections of his encounters are as he says "depressing" everthing depresses this man. I laughed everytime he said something depressed him, then I realized I was laughing at mental illness, which in turn, depressed me. The only joy this young man seems to hold dear are thoughts of his little sister, and the the simple dream of being a catcher of children at risk of falling off a cliff in a rye field, not an ambitious young man by any means. When he takes solice at the house of an old teacher the drunken instructor lectures him on his self destruction and leaves him with..."The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one", I would even argue that one! We all expect great things from life, and are constantly let down by many aspects of it. Some of us are a bit more passionate about our beliefs or want for beliefs, we search and question everything, we are deemed wierd on nonconformist if we don't play by societies rules. I can relate to this youngs mans angst on many different levels and again that depressed me, at what point in our lives do we settle for less than what we had in mind, knowing full well its out there, and are unwilling or through circumstance not achieve it? Sometimes we become prisoners of our quest and leads to its own lack of growth. We are our own greatest enemy and our best ally. I think that Salinger was trying to point that out. That walking to the beat of a different drum is not so bad, but it helps if you got rhythm. This is true of Salinger as well, he holds contempt for much of society and doesn't publish anymore, I liken it to withholding sex. I've got what you want, but ya can't have it. It's within his rights to do just that, but again the growth has become stunted or at least not shared with the rest of the world and as Holden would say, "that depressed me". At the end of the book when asked by his brother and psychoanalyst where he'll be attending school in the fall and if he'll apply himself this time Holden replies, "It's such a stupid question, in my opinion. I mean how do you know what you're going to do till you do it? The answer is, you don't. I think I am, but how do I know? I swear it's a stupid question."

Spewed by Theresa Z » » Link »

Monday, October 21, 2002

What do you do when your wrong? What should you do when your wrong? Falling into others words and misconceptions, I'm gullible that way, thing is that it costs you friends and self respect. When you keep doing something stupid, the lesson should be learned. If your not getting it, then changes have to be made. I've had entirely too many personal changes go down in my life and it's time for another adjustment of sorts. This one will be hard, because I really cared for the person, but I think it's utter poison in my mind. I want what I can't have, and I seem to apologize more to this person than not. That's not healthy for anyone. It's a crazy self destruction thing I have, and I don't want it anymore. A friend pointed that out to me in many ways last night and he made me see a lot of the negative stuff I do. He said suck it up and look at the big picture, he was harsh and kind, and I need harsh, floating in my dream world hasn't worked for 38 years, LOL, I guess now reality seems be my prime focus, I've been dealing with that in my health, now it's time to deal with that In my head. It's very difficult maintaining relationships through the computer, you never see the faces or get the whole story. I don't like that. I like that I'm becoming the person I really want to be, but I fall back on my insecurities. Habits are hard to break, this one I will be most willing to let go. And it starts now. Today. Change is never easy, but I'm ready for more change. And if your reading this I do think highly of you, respect you, and for the last time in this life, I'm sorry.

Spewed by Theresa Z » » Link »

Sunday, October 20, 2002

Love is a many splintered thing. Funny lil emotion...It can mess you up, and at the same time it enriches our lives. Love has many levels from sweet to passionate, and hell while I'm all over the cliche' thing, its a thin line between love and hate. Alrighty, thats it thats all my feeble mind can spewforth tonight as I've had little sleep and trashed my health regime last night. Can't get the yoga going with a hangover....Yikes. Silly, stupid, cupie. LOL!

Spewed by Theresa Z » » Link »

Saturday, October 19, 2002

Blonde. I was at work yesterday roaming the vacuous halls of the Sea Tac Mall when I spot my apartment complex manager Judy. She's a strange bird but I like her none the less. We discussed some issues at the complex, and I begged her to get the carpet guy back to my apartment to fix the dreaded carpet padding, it was funkiefied after the great flood of two weeks ago, so she tells me she'll get right on it then goes into the drama that brought her to the mall and proceeds to tell me that she got laid last night, I was like...um..thats excellent..thanks for sharing :S. Judy is 60+ and when she saw my red hair when I first met her she complimented me and promptly dyed her hair red...I hate that :oP~ My neighbors daughter did the same thing...christ...she tells me I have cool hair and loves the blonde streak. The next day I see her with fucking red hair and a blonde streak, that is so wrong. Apparently I'm hip to trends..ack...this happens to me quite a bit, I buy and outfit and the women around me, my boss in particular find a similar outfit...um...grow yer own personality woman. I had this boyfriend a fews years back, and he had this chick friend that was always hanging with us....she was always cooing over what I wore, my hair and jewelry, next thing you know the bitch has a blonde streak in her hair (pre spice girls btw) she found a smaller version of this silver Mickey Mouse ring I've had for years...god damn...well needless to say...the dumbfuck boyfriend dumped me and married the psuedome, fabulous. Anyhoo, about a month or so ago, I bleached out my hair, I'm a damn blonde now!! At first I was like...why did I do this??? LOL I couldn't stand it and wanted my red locks back. I went to work and everyone said they loved it...I was like, yeah um..thanks....I left work with full intentions of buying more red dye, but as I stood in the drug store, I reached for a darker blonde...LOL...I made the change I must live with that decision or have my hair fall out, I just didn't want the whole trailer trash ho look so I muted the trashy Dead Celebrity blonde and found a nice compromise. Back to my lil talk with Judy in the mall, she of course complimented my hair and loved the pink outfit I was wearing....then she thought a change could do her good and made noise about lightening her hair...ugh. On my return home yesterday my neighbors daughter was sitting outside with orange hair, she said she used peroxide and now her hair is brittle, what was once a beautiful head of long auburn hair is now a matted version of a muppet, bummer for her...I just smiled and said, nice hair hon! I can say I do get more looks being a blonde makes me wanna slap around the male species as I embrace their stares, but I'm still a sassy wench with buckets of attitude and I don't feel I've been dumbed down by this change....I just look blonde.

Spewed by Theresa Z » » Link »

Thursday, October 17, 2002

Paging Dr. Freud....please come to the customer service desk, Theresa has some issues, thank you. The dream: Victorian times and my mother has planned a dinner party. The table is set with the finest of Silver and China and we are all dressed to the nines. On one of the walls hangs a painting, it's bizarre and colored with every shade of brown possible, if you look carefully you see a face in the lavish texture of the browns. It's a chocolate god. And my mother has decided that since I have powers of a psychic nature, that I will bring the spirit of the chocolate god to our dinner party as um...entertainment? Yikes, the stress of performing such a feat in public freaks me out, I mean we're all wearing white, what if I screw up and the chocolate god blows up on entry into our lil soiree!!! I decide I can't perform the occultish act and eat all the chocolate at the table, I awake with a tummy ache. ahem. :oP~

Spewed by Theresa Z » » Link »

Wednesday, October 16, 2002

The theroy is that when we sleep we have dreams to work out all the crap in our heads on a subconscience level. Now ain't that some fucked up shit!!! I mean I dreamed of so much last night most of which was fubar. I attribute these tweaky dreams not too the moon cycle, but to the absence of caffienated products and the reduction of sugar content in my life. Yes, it's true, I'm losing weight, I'm thinking more clearly, I'm less prone to raging on the little things but god damn the funky dream action. Maybe it could be that I'm reading more books, I was bookgeek before, now I'm an Uber Book Geek. Or maybe the funky dream action was from the M&M's I scarfed before bed. I've been a good with the sugar but I craved, I searched my cupboards and found a bag of these colorful morsels and engulfed them @lightspeed, I burped and went to bed. I got a little rush, then a little queasy, I started to read my book and reached a few chapters of an obscure nature: an prisoned Scokrates (as spelled in this book) in shackles thwarting a death threat. This in no way had nothing to do with the story's theme. My mind went splat, I fell asleep. Now the sleep I can't complain about, it was a sound restfull sleep, but then came the dreams a succession of vignettes pertaining to all my friends and family in 17th century France...um...golly..digging the powdered wigs on some of my friends...anyhoo, one dream had us trying to have a dinner party and I so amused at the guest list, and the wardrobes of the guest. My mind had put these people in appropriate 17th century attire to suit their personalities, and I will say, some of my men friends looked fine in the lace collars and tights...meow. The dreamed turned into a farce, a chase scene and ending at a Drive In theater. (I think I need to get out more) Ok, so your asking what has this to do with Socrates, or for that matter, M&M's (I think they were outdated, if at all possible.) Um....I'm thinking that it has nothing to do with nothing??? Freud would indeed argue that, but untill I meet up with the good Doctor in the otherworld, I'll continue to think I just wanted to see my male friends in powdered wigs and tights.

Spewed by Theresa Z » » Link »

Monday, October 14, 2002

I stayed up late on Saturday, went out with a couple of friends to a loverly establishment called Hell's Kitchen, I drank, and gossiped (only to get a lil pissed and enlightened by one lil fact), but for the most part I had fun. I came home went into chat and forgetting the inane laws of chat was promptly banned. I went to bed @ 3 a.m. I suffered greatly on Sunday, I have no clue how people stay up so late??? There was a time when it was no problem...I can't do it anymore, I used to be amused at the fricken tards that stay up that late in chat, now I just wanna smack the shit out of them! heh. I'll stick to the geek lifestyle tis easier to recover from a night of dinner, drinks and convo, than it is partying. "The first half of life consists of the capacity to enjoy without the chance; the last half consists of the chance without the capacity" Mark Twain. LOL, shoot me now ;)

Spewed by Theresa Z » » Link »

Friday, October 11, 2002

Good lord I've been too busy and not blogging, for shame! Anyhoo, over these past few weeks that I've been preparing for the holiday season at the Bookstore, I've noticed when I come home to my computer that my messenger friends have been decreasing. At first I took it personally, and then I recalled that not too long ago I deleted a number of people from my own messenger. I was overloaded, overwhelmed some days. I'd log on and be inundated with immediate messages...I'd never even get to my mail. So all non essentials went buh bye. I kept my family and a few friends and those friends are dwindling. Early this summer I quit making daily appearance in chat as well....I just found that it was, at times, a waste of brain cells and I was becoming a garrish parody of what I am in the flesh. The internet has brought us all closer, yet we tend to push *reality* aside and befriend people we may never meet. And they play a part in our lives...daily. These people can make or break a mood and we let them!! It's silly when you think about it, but true. I have made some great friends through chat, truly awesome people that I enjoying nuturing a relationship with. I know the kind of people I want in my life, cyber and in the real world and that goes for the people I meet it works both ways. I just hope that the people that enrich my life stick around. It's true, some days I just want check my mail and surf, I could turn off my messenger...but the addiction of having it there keeps it on...just knowing my sister is online is kind of reassuring or for that matter my friends....when I see those nicnames, I'm reassured that they are ok and still want me in their lives. Yeah that sounds a bit neurotic and insecure to a degree, but we've made this monster and it must be fed. Last week I finished the book American Gods by Neil Gaiman and it pointed out how we have made our computers Gods a daily worship so to speak....sometimes we want to pray in silence and other times celebrate en masse! Funky thing the internet, its a whole new way to learn, gain friendships and to shop ;) But, I feel that you have got to remain grounded in all the realities that shape your life and use this monster to your benifit....some days tickle the monster, but don't let the monster eat you!

Spewed by Theresa Z » » Link »

Friday, October 04, 2002

Mashed Poe Tay toes.....mmkay....comfort foods heal us when all else fails, so I'm thinking that if your one of those people that happens to have everything go wrong at all time, and you choose to seek solice in food....would that be deemed a problem? lil 12 steps for carbs on the horizon me tinks! ;) Mashed Potatoes & Gravy...so yum! I've had the week from hell, so, I eat my potatoes & gravy and relax, there was a time when I'd drink myself into oblivion till I embarrassed & humiliated myself and passed out into a heap of digustingly drunk cupie pile, but I can honestly say I'm done with that. I'm gonna stick with the carbs when lifes little snafu's slam you fist to face. Now Dr. Atkins is probably having a cardiac at that thought....but yanno, I'm not eating a loaf of bread and twelve ding dongs....I'm just having a bowl of comfort (not a bowl of KillaGB comfort;) ) just some carbs to chill out my insane psyche. I would love to rant about this henious week, but I feel that that would stunt any internal justifications for the carbs..mmmkay. And by the way, I'm gonna have some freaking Ben & Jerry's tonight too!!! Heh! Me go splat! Peace.

Spewed by Theresa Z » » Link »

Thursday, October 03, 2002

So the other night my fire alarm went off @ 1 a.m. I threw myself outta bed and started to head towards the living room...when the sensation of warm water hit my toes....I looked at the laundry closet and saw water spewing from behind the washing machine...ACK! I jumped atop the machine to get to the valve to shut the bitch down. Thankfully it was hot water as cold water would not have set off the alarm, that would have been an extreme mess. But thankfully I only had to squoosh out a few gallons of now tepid water....in the middle of the night, in my undies and a tank top...so sexy...snarf. Sweet Jesus, you'd think it could have done it when I was awake, or midday....but NOOOoOOOoo. Anyhoo, alls well, I've know been blessed with webbed feet and a nice damp aroma floating about the apartment. They carpet sucker dude said he would dry out the carpet and make it smell purrrtty for me in a few days.! Expect the unexpected god damn it.

Spewed by Theresa Z » » Link »

Tuesday, October 01, 2002

Gary Payton is holding out from Sonics camp....cos Gary ain't go no freaking contract extention....well Boohoo, such is life...if that were me I'd lose my job. On my way home from work I saw maybe 50 kids holding up signs saying *Save our Pool!!!* due to legislative cuts in the budget, public pools are closing and are looking for help from the cities themselves. Unemployment still @ 7%. Gary, get your sowwy black ass to work babe...no one is guaranteed shit these days, glove or no glove. Hell, Michael Jackson has one glove and a reputation as a freakish pedofile now, his records aren't selling and he was the KING OF ROCK, albeit self proclaimed. Get your ass to work Gary. And while yer at it, donate some of that $13 million to keep the pools open! Thanks, and have a super day!

Spewed by Theresa Z » » Link »