Monday, December 18, 2006

Last Minute Christmas Shopping Tips

Leave me alone. I jest. Kind of.

The storm contributed to mass drama today and the events following the storm lead to some angry mofo's shopping. But damn it all, you're not going to bring me down. Weather happens. Every damn day, Sometimes it's uneventful, others times it's monumental. Christmas happens every year on the same date - THE SAME DATE. So, when you get in your cars to go to the mall, relax and breathe, please don't get pissed at the customer service if they don't have what you want. It's the week before the holiday and if they don't have it, chances are they won't. But then again you know what day Christmas is, don't you?

If you have a coupon, read that sucker....READ IT!!!! It's all there in the print. Don't look for loopholes so you can take advantage that's tacky and gauche, so stop. If there's a limit, don't try to work you way around it. That would blow the mind of any seasonal or seasoned cashier. READ YOUR COUPONS, flyers and whatnots before you shop, it makes everything easier on everyone. Relax...breathe.

I won't talk down to you, if you don't talk down to me.

Smile. We're all in this together. Do you think the Wise Men went ballistic on the shopkeepers? "Give me some incense and myrrh, bitch. Now! I've been in this line for over twenty damn minutes and we've got this messiah to buy for, hurry or else!! Can we speak with a manager?"

"Sure, if you think the manager can pull some incense and myrrh out of their ass on demand, I will call the manager, just have some Purell handy, mmkay?"

Not wise, I'd say.

Tip: Calling for a manager just clogs the pipes, people. Careful what you wish for...muhahahah!

Kindness and patience wins out every time.

You're tired, I'm tired and it's all in the spirit of Christmas, which falls on December 25th every god blessed year. So relax. Honking your horn in heavy traffic rarely (if ever) gets you anywhere quicker than if you suck it up and roll with it. Don't be an annoying fucktard, just drive....relax, breathe. Stop with the honking, twitlips.

Watch out for pedestrians, you'll get where your going a lot quicker then they will, every time. One ton of inert metal vs. flesh and fucking blood. Gosh, who's gonna win out there? Remove thy head from thy ass when you are driving. It saves lives and that precious thing called time and we're all in a race against time and guess who always wins? Time goes on, we die, it's a fact of life, so relax...breathe and focus on what's going on around you.

Be kind and courteous and it comes back two-fold. If it doesn't, reflect on that shit, take two aspirin and call someone who gives shit and that knows you don't give a shit. Boohoo, suck it up, life goes on....Christmas or not.

Make the best of every situation, don't be an asshole, because I've got a can of asshole repellent with your name on it and an itchy trigger finger to boot.

Relax, breathe.

Oh yeah, Christmas falls on December 25th. That's a heads up for next year and most will ignore it and come and demand things that were available a month ago, but others have snatched it up and are relaxing with family and friends as we speak. THINK. Plan. THINK.

Relax, breathe.

Karma, baby! Karma.

/ spew