Last Minute Christmas Shopping Tips

Leave me alone. I jest. Kind of.

The storm contributed to mass drama today and the events following the storm lead to some angry mofo's shopping. But damn it all, you're not going to bring me down. Weather happens. Every damn day, Sometimes it's uneventful, others times it's monumental. Christmas happens every year on the same date - THE SAME DATE. So, when you get in your cars to go to the mall, relax and breathe, please don't get pissed at the customer service if they don't have what you want. It's the week before the holiday and if they don't have it, chances are they won't. But then again you know what day Christmas is, don't you?

If you have a coupon, read that sucker....READ IT!!!! It's all there in the print. Don't look for loopholes so you can take advantage that's tacky and gauche, so stop. If there's a limit, don't try to work you way around it. That would blow the mind of any seasonal or seasoned cashier. READ YOUR COUPONS, flyers and whatnots before you shop, it makes everything easier on everyone. Relax...breathe.

I won't talk down to you, if you don't talk down to me.

Smile. We're all in this together. Do you think the Wise Men went ballistic on the shopkeepers? "Give me some incense and myrrh, bitch. Now! I've been in this line for over twenty damn minutes and we've got this messiah to buy for, hurry or else!! Can we speak with a manager?"

"Sure, if you think the manager can pull some incense and myrrh out of their ass on demand, I will call the manager, just have some Purell handy, mmkay?"

Not wise, I'd say.

Tip: Calling for a manager just clogs the pipes, people. Careful what you wish for...muhahahah!

Kindness and patience wins out every time.

You're tired, I'm tired and it's all in the spirit of Christmas, which falls on December 25th every god blessed year. So relax. Honking your horn in heavy traffic rarely (if ever) gets you anywhere quicker than if you suck it up and roll with it. Don't be an annoying fucktard, just drive....relax, breathe. Stop with the honking, twitlips.

Watch out for pedestrians, you'll get where your going a lot quicker then they will, every time. One ton of inert metal vs. flesh and fucking blood. Gosh, who's gonna win out there? Remove thy head from thy ass when you are driving. It saves lives and that precious thing called time and we're all in a race against time and guess who always wins? Time goes on, we die, it's a fact of life, so relax...breathe and focus on what's going on around you.

Be kind and courteous and it comes back two-fold. If it doesn't, reflect on that shit, take two aspirin and call someone who gives shit and that knows you don't give a shit. Boohoo, suck it up, life goes on....Christmas or not.

Make the best of every situation, don't be an asshole, because I've got a can of asshole repellent with your name on it and an itchy trigger finger to boot.

Relax, breathe.

Oh yeah, Christmas falls on December 25th. That's a heads up for next year and most will ignore it and come and demand things that were available a month ago, but others have snatched it up and are relaxing with family and friends as we speak. THINK. Plan. THINK.

Relax, breathe.

Karma, baby! Karma.

/ spew

Grinch Award Of The Day

Mid-winter and evergreens are covered in lights, except at Seattle International Airport. They took the Christmas trees down in lieu of litigation. Why? Because some dude wants a frickin' menorah put in the displays. Because, according to the dude, when one walk through a winter wonderland, they want to see a menorahs. Shame on everyone involved! This is just pathetic and embarrassing for all involved, what would it have hurt to throw a frickin' candle holder into the mix? It's a huge "You don't like the soup? Well, no soup for you!" Bullshit.

Working for a livin'

"Keep away from people who belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel, that you, too can become great!" ~Mark Twain

Christmas in retail can be overwhelming. Christmas in retail at a new job, exhausting to the point of delirium. So far, I've managed to stay relatively sane despite the fact I take verbal swipes from "the other manager", who is obviously threatened by my very existence. What little authority I have is constantly questioned or ignored by the "other manager's" team of not so loyal, terribly bitter and sad people. This store has some seriously fucked up and angry karma going on and um...I don't do that. I don't do drama, won't, can't, not gonna do it. You've got issues, well lose them or leave them at home, but don't and I repeat, do NOT, hang your shit on me moth-er-fuck-ers. :)

She: [broadcast over our radio earpieces] "Of course I work Sundays, one day I'll be special enough to not have to work them, but until then I'm here at 7:30"

Me: "No comment. And hey, thanks for your comment!" :D

This is just one in a series of verbal swipes directed at me by the "other manager". I'm not working Sundays because the commute is close to non-existent. The commute on weekdays is nothing; bus, train, bus, but on weekends it's a series of buses that for whatever reason, never connect to the next destination without an thirty minute wait or more, this despite the fact that the store, located a half mile south of the largest mall in the Seattle area (and soon to be relocated to the mall), go, Sound Transit, stellar job! But that's neither here nor there, my schedule isn't this woman's business and it would be wise that she shut her ignorant bitter mouth before I tape that evil orifice up with duct tape retrieved from some hairy fuckers ass. I wasn't hired to be this person's verbal punching bag and she better step off or I'll get so fucking professional on her sorry ass she'll have paper cuts from the mountain of complaints I will lodge at her like a fucking Human Resources canon ball.

She: "Ha ha, did you say "no comment""?

Me: "Yes I did, mam"

She: "Aw, don't worry, your time will come." (perhaps meaning there will come a time that I'll get to take verbal swipes at her - don't know, don't care - I'm playing my cards close.)

Me: (with customers in tow) "Girl, my time HAS come!" followed by a "Z" shaped snap.

This customers giggled and asked what that was all about and I just said "she's a worry wort, nothing to be concerned with, she'll be okay."

I knew there would be issues from day one when I entered the office and our General Manager introduced us. She gets up from her desk and comes at me with open arms and a hug. "Welcome to our family." [Tip of the day: Don't hug newcomers it stinks of desperation, this isn't AA or group therapy, it's a fucking business. Hugs come later, when you know the bitches.]

"Um, okay, thank you?"

"Ha Ha, she's a funny gal. Isn't she?"

The GM says something to the effect of "she always has been." The GM and I have known each other professionally for 18 years and at one time was my District Manager, yet another reason this "other manager" feels threatened.

The "other manager" tells me she was supposed to have my job come January, oops. Honestly, if she was supposed to have the job, I suspect she would have gotten the position and they would have hired me as the Merchandising manager, but alas, they wanted me as Inventory manager and that's how it is.

This store is so dysfunctional I have to work six days a week for the next two weeks, because no one wants to work there. People keep quitting and I understand why, negative energy is all around, it's not good. Direction is barked over the radio like threats. No please, no thank you. Nothing positive is said about the booksellers, criticism is all around.

My goal, along with making sure with have want people want to buy, is to spread sunshine all over the place until the bitch super nova's and everyone is walking around with god damned smile, until then, I won't let my former employees, who want to work with me again, apply to the many positions that need to filled. I'm not going to let good people be treated like shit for any reason. However, I am recruiting my former assistant, because she's got balls of steel and can hold her own against bitter nastiness and I need an ally in my quest to get these folks to lighten the fuck up. Life is short, very fucking short and there is no reason to walk around acting like a bunch of bitter martyrs.

For the most part, I know I'm going to love this job and I expected a certain amount of resentment from the "other manager" and supervisors, so I'm not going to sweat the bullshit, I'm there do a job I'm fucking terrific at and I'm not going to play in their little reindeer games. I'm an optimistic misfit of sorts, I want to encourage people to be the best at whatever they choose to do in this life, but in my own quirky, albeit professional, way. I'm not intimidated by much, people, technology, I say..."bring it on" and if I fail at least I know I gave it my all and if I succeed, I'll celebrate with those who played a part in my success and then move on to the next challenge. The bottom line in life is to treat people as you would want to be treated and you'll win every time. See, I fight with love baby, so take some time to smell the flowers or I'll plant said flowers in your ass. :D

Hahaha!

So your saying Ruby was eating the artificial tree? Hahahahahhahaha
Well, listen up BOF (bringer of food), I'm gonna eat this formly live, now decorative wreath you spent your hard earned money on...hahahaa.....I swear, that Ruby cracks my ass up.

Caught!

The tree, artifical. The cat, in denial.