JAVA JIVE, OMFG.....WHOOPEE!

I AM SITTING HERE, QUIETLY SIPPING A CHRISTMAS GIFT FROM MY ENTREPRENEURIAL BROTHER'S LASTEST WHIM. HE'S IN THE COFFEE BIZ AND HE IS CURRENTLY ROASTING "FULL CIRCLE ORGANIC COFFEE". I DON'T DRINK CAFFEINE, DOCTOR SAID: NO CAFFEINE, NO RED WINE, AND NO CHOCOLATE OTHERWISE I WOULD CONTINUE HAVING FIBROUS BOOBAGE & GIRLY UNIT, BOTH OF WHICH ARE AN ANNOYANCE ON TOP OF THE PERI-FUCKING-MENOPAUSE (TMI? HEH). I'VE FOLLOWED THESE RECOMMENDATIONS CLOSELY, EXCEPT FOR THE CHOCOLATE PART, FUCK THAT, CHOCOLATE IS MY LIFE BLOOD, MY ASS ROUNDER, MY HIP POUNDER, ME LOVE CHOCOLATE, yum. ANYHOO....WHEN ONE HAS CAFFEINE AFTER HAVING LITTLE OR NONE FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS, ONE TENDS TO SHOUT OUT BLOG POSTS!

AFTER GOOGLING MY BROTHERS PRODUCT I FIND HE HAS A DECAF BLEND AND IN THE FUTURE HE MAY WANT TO SHARE THAT WITH ME, OTHERWISE I COULD BLOW OR ACTUALLY FINISH EVERY CHORE I'VE EVER WANTED TO FINISH. I'M IRONING CLOTHES, DOING LAUNDRY, THE DISHES ARE DONE AND I'M PACKING UP THE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS IN A FEW MINUTES. THE TWITCHING SHOULD PASS WHEN I FINISH MY BREAKFAST, WHICH INCIDENTALLY IS A HERSHY'S CHOCOLATE BAR, ANOTHER CHRISTMAS GIFT FROM ANOTHER BROTHER. YEAH, I KNOW THAT CHOCOLATE HAS CAFFEINE, BUT TO ADD COFFEE TO THE MIX IS LETHAL, ALBEIT PRODUCTIVE.

I AM WIRED BEYOND BELIEF, I GUESS THIS IS A GOOD THING SINCE I ONLY HAVE A FEW HOURS LEFT TO MAKE GOOD ON MY 2004 RESOLUTIONS, THAT BEING A CLEAN BEDROOM AND ORGANIZED APARTMENT AND BY GOD THIS WILL BE DONE!!!! SHWAH, THWAPFT *SPINNING* MORE LATER... WOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO...

BUY MY BROTHER'S JAVA HERE. NOW! THANK YOU.

Spew It Forward........

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday, I did and I'm so very blessed to have the friends and family I have. Now, I could entertain you with the fact that so much chocolate was consumed over the past two weeks, that my belly, like Santa's, jiggles like a bowl full of jelly. I could rant on about the holiday shoppers, I could bitch about the returns, I could whine about the heavy work load these past few weeks. But, Mother Nature apparently popped an ovarian cyst or something to that effect and ripped a hole in Southeast Asia so mammoth that it rearranged the map, affected 11 countries and took up to 80,000 lives--so far.

It's hard to complain when others are suffering. I feel somewhat guilty that I am warm and have a jiggly belly right now. So, I donated to the Red Cross for the second time in my life, the horrors of 9-11 made me donate what I could the first time, and this horrific act of a vengeful earth has made me donate again, I wish there was more I could do. If you have any money left after splurging away your hard earned cash for Christmas frivolity, donate whatever you can to the Red Cross and help out the earthquake & tsunami victims.

More Links
World Vision
Mercy Corps

Santa Needs A Pay Day Loan

Grumpy & broke Santa [via: JibJab]

Christmas Spew....muhahahahah

I couldn't have spewed it better myself!!


*Click Pic To View Clip (adult language) lol *
"'tis the season to stfu and stop being a whiney little bitch!"

;)

Merry Christmas!

He Won't Be Your Monkey And Other Stories

Damn its good to be Jon Stewart right now:

According to Intelliseek’s BlogPulse, the transcript of comedian Jon Stewart’s October debate with CNN “Crossfire” hosts Tucker Carlson and Paul Begala was the No. 1 “blogged” news item of 2004.

To be fair, Tucker Carlson isn't so bad, just an obnoxious, condescending gimp playing the game.

Last week, Publishers Weekly threw more than a few politically minded bibliophiles for a loop by naming not our 42nd president's protracted, excruciatingly detailed autobiography, My Life, book of the year (perhaps they're reserving for it the honor of "Book of the Decade"?) but rather The Daily Show with Jon Stewart's first literary offering, America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy in Action.

Naked Supreme Court Justices, need I say more.

Book/Movie News

Augusten Burroughs's Sellevision headed to the big screen
Sellevision, the novel Augusten Burroughs published before writing his hit memoirs Running With Scissors and Dry, is being turned into a movie by Halo Entertainment, reports Variety. Sex and the City's Kristin Davis and Seinfeld's Julia Louis-Dreyfus are in negotiations to star in the film about a fictional home-shopping channel called Sellevision and the scandal that erupts after one of the network's on-air hosts snaps. Mark Bozek--who knows the terrain from having worked at USA Interactive's home-shopping unit--will adapt and direct the film, set to start shooting in February in Florida.

I read this book and enjoyed it immensely, if you have ever been sucked into watching QVC or the Home Shopping network for any length of time, you would love this book. I'm greatly looking forward to a potentially hilarious movie.

Christmas All Over Me

I'm wrapping presents, making fudge, cookies and what-nots and when I sit down it's to look up another recipe or to fill out a Christmas card or two while I take in some nicotine. Its like the spirit of Christmas crawled up my butt and planted a holly jolly bomb or something. Not that I'm accustomed to having things crawl up the no access area of my nether regions, just so you know--um, nevermind. To be continued...

*Beep* *Click*

Windows updated itself last night, to contiue keeping my computer safe from hackers and the like, but what saves my computer from itself?

I woke around 4 a.m. to see a blue light beaming from the living room, the reboot that comes after a successful download froze on the--windows is shutting down now--page. Egads, so in a sleepy blur I turned off the computer and prayed for a proper reboot, nothing. I didn't have the energy to investigate so, I turned the bugger off and got a few hours more of sleep. It starts up fine but with no noise....no clicks...no "Good Morning Theresa". I dared another reboot and lo and behold, she returned, with sound.

I love my clicking noises, I need sound from my computer, I love the dings and the dongs (oh my). Curse computers and their noises I've come to love. Computers without sound are like mutes...struggling to eek out something, anything, all in vain. I risked an endless reboot cycle or booting from disc for a beep-ding-dong-donk! Give me beeps or give me death.

I've been having issues with the bitchy one, my lil Frankenstein Dream Machine. It must be the motherboard, all else has been remedied, it better hang in there until I have the funds. Why do cars breakdown, teeth get chipped and bones break, when your in a heated frenzy of Christmas shopping and have depleted funds?

Ok, I'm done bitching, for now. ;)

Give Me A Weapon Of Mass Affection

This video is hysterical and remember that "war is so not awesome". Merry Christmas from boy-o-boy.

It's A Wonderful Life, With Bunnies, In 30 Seconds

Click Picture To View

A Very Beatles Christmas

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus and he was kind enough to gather some rare Beatles Christmas greetings and songs!! Download, burn and enjoy.

The Eyes Have It

A piercing for eyeglasses? Oh yes, in our frankenstien, tattoo my life story all over my body culture, some savvy and hip geek took the time to invent eye wear that you attach through a piercing on the bridge of your nose. How very imaginative, creative and slightly insane. I'd just as soon lift that partial segment of my flabby gut to find my belly button and pierce that, after I get the tattoo of Anna Nicole Smith painted on my ass, of course. When my ass is relaxed she's fat, when my ass is clenched, she's thin--Trim Spa my ass, even, lol. Oh Cupie, your so damn sexy! Indeed.

Don't Tell Me My Qwest Is Wrong---*smack-the-bitch-up*--Phone HOME....E L L I O T (calling card not included)

One day you wake and find that your cell phone won't dial out, so you call Qwest and ask, WTF? They tell you that your phone doesn't work with the new digital network anymore and they have you listed as having a Qualcom phone, not the Nokia phone you've had for 4 years. Again, I say....WTF? "We're sorry Theresa, but we can help"...mmmhmmm....do tell, if you will and just how much is this help going to cost my sorry broke ass in the middle of fucking Christmas shopping season....omg..anuerysm.

Blah, Blah, Blah....I choose the phone that I wanted (not the shit they offered) and stick to my previous plan, which I find is ineligible for the $100 credit for the new phone. Later in the day I get a message from Qwest stating that I am eligible for the $100 approved by the callers manager.

I call to activate new phone, I am not eligible for $100 credit with my current I-hate-chatting-it-up-on-the-phone-I-don't-need-5 million-fucking minutes plan, "Well shit" I say, voice trembling, tired from a long day pleasing others and not having cell phone service. "Now your telling me, that my old phone doesn't work with a the network any longer, not my choice, yours, and you want to charge me $14.95 to have the new phone shipped the next day and you want me to subscribe to a larger plan?" my voice is quivering, I'm hungry, tired and as you all know on the verge of GREATER things, like...collapse. "Fine, then hook me up with 'whatever' you need to hook me up with and lets just get rid of my Lan line"....*silence*..."Theresa, let me talk with my supervisor", "fine" *gasp for air, pissed and infuriated...I wait...she returns. "Theresa, I'm very sorry for any confusion, my supervisor has offered one months free service, if you up your plan and we'll knock off the shipping fee of $14.99". You bet your ass you will! "Thanks" was all could say without bawling my fucking eyes out.

I'm tired, I have a new phone with camera & video cam, I have a plan which I will never-ever use all my minutes and fuck if they don't offer 'carry-over', but I'll milk them for all its worth and in a few months, my freaking Lan line will be gone, whether they like it or not, I just don't use it enough to justify $40 a month for it. I shouldn't have to pay for services I don't use. My head hurts.

We were busy at the store today, Monday & Tuesday were anemic, but today was better, I'm really frightened for next week....but I'll take on everyone of those holiday shoppers with a smile and the really ugly bitchy ones, I'll just take pictures of them with my phone and post their asses here, because, karma works....every time, every day. I'm going to pass out now. Good Night.

Good Morning

Good Afternoon
Good Evening.

That will be all............off to the mall I go without my taser, today at least. ;)

Schizo Christmas Wonderland

Ok, so the weekends are henious but the week days suck ass as far a sales go, this upcoming weekend really frightens me....

The Verge Of Things To Come

If the next two weeks are anything like today, shoot me. Returns, people are already returning things en masse. W--T--F? We had a record number of returns, voids and register malfunctions today. While trying to balance all bizarre transactions, the vague requests for books and technical difficulties I almost snapped, literally and figuratively *snap-a-freaky-spastic-doodled* . Aside from repeating "fuck a duck!" and "fuck, fuck, fuckity-fuck" and "Damn it all to living hell, acksplatfever" I barely managed through what will, most likely, be a very intense pre-christmas rush.

People shopping at a fevered pitch, wanting, needing, demanding my attention. People cursing me because there is NO fucking way possible I can get the book they need, short of printing it myself and I don't think its physically possible to shoot out my ass anytime soon, situations.

If you were to attempt to touch me at this point, it is likely that I could combust. Look at me wrong and the possibility of nervous collapse increases. Ask me when the Da Vinci code will be in paperback, I could start bleeding from my eyes and steam could very well start shooting from my ears.

'Tis the freakin' season, omg. It's the samn thing every year, the same panicked rush, you'd think by now people would key into it and be prepared, but no, this season had a funky slow start and now people are attempting to make up for lost time and it is the sales person who bares the burden and anxiety of those shopping. Every disappointed look, every computer aneurysm, ugh.

I had to spew or I would have to break something to relieve the stress, decompressing isn't easy tonight *twitch*, I hope you all are having a wonder holiday *twitch* season, as for me, I'll be in the corner *twitch* quivering, for lack of anything else short of going postal. Happy Ho-ho-ho to me. :D

Men For Dinner

I hurried home from work tonight so that I could sit my fat ass in front of my big ass television to watch Neal Pollack on Dennis Miller's CNBC show. Before I settled into the show I thought I'd check to see who Larry King was chatting up and to my enjoyment it was the uber-sexy-short-shit Jon Stewart pimping America (The Book). They touched on the Tucker Carlson bitchslap episode and the only response The Daily Show's fake lead anchor could say was that he was on steroids, his testicles were but lil' nubbin's and he couldn't possibly be held responsible for his brilliantly bitchy manner because of the steroids.

The uber-sexy-omg-mytonguecouldgetlostinthatcleftchin, Neal Pollack, graciously gave Miller's audience a copy of his book Never Mind the Pollack's and smirked accordingly when given credit for it. When given the brief opportunity to opine on steroids Mr. Pollack responded with: make the shit legal for all of Major League baseball and while your at it legalize drug use for them as well, I say, why the hell not? Hell, in opinion, I think they should legalize rape and assault for the NBA as well, so wtf, we might as well allow MLB to allow the ball player's use their junk without fear of prosecution, you know, for the greater good of sportsmanship.

Neal's shot on the varsity panel was painfully short, definitely not enough time for him and Dennis Miller to play off each other, although Neal apparently fondle his crotch briefly, I didn't see it happen, he claims it was a testicular itch, I miss all the good shit, but I digress (as usual). Where was I? Crotch is such a cool word...wait...um...oh yeah, Mr. Miller should invite Neal back for a full on sparring, it was obvious he respected Neal's opinion and I would guarantee that it would be funny as fuck, because as we all know 'fuck' and all acts associated with 'fuck' are funnier then shit, well as funny as shit can be, yanno.

After the varsity Panel was over, I flipped back to CNN and watched as Uber-geekified-sexy Mo Rocca closed the hour of Larry King pimping his beastiality book All The Presidents Pets the interview made no sense, I didn't care, Mo is a quirky-freaky bitch and that makes me happy. Neal Pollack is a genius-bitch and that makes me happy, Dennis Miller is smartass-sexy-bitch that I want to smack sense into sometimes, but ultimately he makes me laugh and Jon Stewart is a smart & funny bitch and gosh if that doesn't make me happy. I'm one happy bitch right now and I just wanted to share the experience, because, I can.

Happy Tuesday

Nephew #2 Baby Ethan

Overly Opinionated Cupie OR How To Give A Dawg A Bone

We received a special order for The Art of Seduction today, as the story goes, the young woman who wanted it apparently wanted the book sent to the prison for her brother--say what? My bookseller Elizabeth was trying to explain to me that the young woman wanted the book because her brother requested it and I was all, "WTF?" why would a sister buy a book on seduction for her brother, a brother in prison no less, Jesus f'n blet! So I promptly went into a tirade of why I thought is was perverse and how I thought it was bullshit.

While I was busily ranting my disgust with Elizabeth and my assistant Joan, there was a man perusing the magazines near where we were chatting and in trying to make my point of the magnitude of perverseness I said "Why the fuck would you send your brother a book on seduction, fuck that, what's he gonna do with it in prison anyways?". Elizabeth responded with, "her brother just asked for it is all", "that's bullshit" I responded, "there are some lines you don't cross" I said, "this ain't the fucking Ozarks". Now mind you, I'm not a prude by any measure, but, I can't see buying anything sexual for one of my brothers at any time--ever--and then in my rant I said, "that's like if my brother asked for a hand-job, I'd just as soon kick him in the balls before I'd entertain the thought" at which time Joan falls into a fit of laughter and blushing episode and the customer looking through the periodicals looks up from his magazine and smiles at us. I apologized for my crude example and went back to work, the man winks and I think the whole thing is over.

A few minutes later after I hear Elizabeth and Joan giggling at the cash wrap, Joan comes over to where I'm working to tell me that the man had an erection the size of the Snake River while listening to us talk. Good God, *eyeroll*, "I didn't need to know that" I said and went back to work while the ladies composed themselves.

I now know that my rants against perverse behaviors can induce a boner, granted, a dog farting could give a guy a boner, but dayum! The fella had left in a rush, to the boys room I presume and I finished shelving my books, Joan finally stopped blushing and all of us will think twice about what we talk about in the bookstore.

I really need to think before I spew my opinions, twice this past weekend its pissed off people or entertained them, I'm not always right, damn close, but not always and I need to think about that before I induce more unwanted phallic chubbies, but then again, if makes your shopping experience pleasurable (*ock*) then yippee for me, I think--maybe--nevermind. =P

100 Notable Books of the Year

The New York Times gives us 100 notable books which we'll never have the time to read. =P

The Further Adventures Of Stalking Mr. Pollack, Kinda.

Dennis Miller is a smart man, a funny fella and has the utmost of discriminating tastes when it comes to inviting people to spew on the "Varsity Panel" of his CNBC show, heh. This Wednesday at 6 p.m. pacific 9 eastern author Neal Pollack will delight the world with his satirical tidbits and observations whilst sitting on the 'VP'. Neal ponders on what he might spew on national t.v.:

Maybe I'll get to say this:

"This is the time of year that everyone gets all excited about celebrating the fact that a woman conceived a baby 2,000 years ago without actually having sex. In fact, more people believe that absolutely than ever before. Nice to know that science has finally trumped superstition in our time. Well, if you get to believe in a virgin birth, then I get to believe that a giant celestial elephant blew the earth out of his ass at the dawn of time, and that someday he'll descend from the sky with a troupe of tap-dancing monkeys. Hey, babe. It's my religion. You make fun of it, and I'll kill you."

I can't wait! Now, you'll have to excuse me, it's time to polish and pray to mother elephant, watch out for them flying monkeys....or something like that. ;)

Sniff--Is This The Line To Check Out?

This is a t-shirt, this reminds me of the lines in the stores right now, well except for the line at Starbucks which is usually all haphazardly; people standing anywhere they want to the fuckers. If I'm in an unruly line, I fix it, people scowl at me when I ask if they're in line or just browsing, when they say they're in line I show them where to stand. It doesn't matter where I'm at or who I piss off, the line must be orderly, that's why its called a line. Personally, I don't sniff asses when a line needs to be formed, but, if you have to sniff some asses to make an orderly line, start sniffin'. [link via: Side Salad]

Fried Day

Oh the things that happen when you don't surf the net all week. President Bush arrested in Canada? Why didn't I see that on the news? Where was I? Dick Cheney was quoted as saying "These charges are f****** outrageous.", great. Actually, what is "fucking outrageous" is that I'm just reading about it now.

So anyways, I worked my ass off for six days straight and attempted to recover yesterday, but there were lights to be strung, and boy did I string those mofo's and today its all about the Christmas tree, if it doesn't get up today, it be no tree at all. December is such a blur of sugar highs and lows, of Christmas specials good and bad and for all of my bitching I will say I love the holidays. This year is an ode' to the eighties preppie stylings of green, pink and sparklies. Doesn't sound Christmas like? Well, when I'm done it will.

Okay, the surfing continues...

WTF? Where's The RIF truck when you need it?

"During the four-day Thanksgiving weekend, consumer electronics surpassed books as Amazon's largest sales category. The milestone, set at a time when its book business also posted record sales, is an important indication that Amazon can diversify beyond media products"

Gadgets or the written word, how fucking gauche. I could build a computer chip factory with all the books I own! People, the video games will rot your mind and if that's what you want I suggest William Burroughs "Naked Lunch" although, the 'jiz' monster might win the battle. Listen to mp3's or say you could read about songs. Read, not just so I get my weekly paycheck, read because it makes you far more intelligent than becoming an XBox warrior.